The Clock of Radishes - Part II

Last Episode: The Crustacean has had a busy day. Less than twenty-four hours after emerging from the crypt of Dr. Emmanuel Lewis Hawking's castle, he has telepathically enslaved Hawking and his twisted assistant Wayne, hijacked an Air Torrado flight and kidnapped Princess Madge of Torrado, stolen the Ruler of Elendil, and turned Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy into little styrofoam dodecahedra. And if he has his way, he'll use the Princess to force her father to reveal the location of the immensely powerful Lost Ark of Isaac Newton sometime before dinner. Meanwhile, the League of Heroes (local 441) bumbles about and is now left with something of a mess...

Runway number four, Vancouver International Airport...

The Codger
Will you nitwits quit your kvetching and do something useful? Like trying to stop that blimp before it gets away?

The Crustacean's gadget-packed dirigible, which thus far has been drifting laconically away from the scene, suddenly sprouts a pair of rocket engines. The engines begin to glow as they warm-up

SuperConductor
Quick, Gen X Man! Use your Super-Cynical Insight before it escapes!

Gen X Man
Right!

A pair of thin red rays dart from his eyes and slice through the dirigible, which is beginning to pick up speed.

Gen X Man
It's aiming for ICBC's abandoned airstrip in Spuzzum county - and just as I suspected, it's manufactured by Goodyear!

Rainbow Warrior
Ah ha! Another shameful example of large-scale corporate irresponsibility! I'll organise a boycott of all rubber products!

The Codger
Including those gawd-awful rainbow pants of yours?

The dirigible's engines suddenly roar to life, and the dirigible is catapulted suddenly through the sound barrier and over the horizon.

The runway is now starting to fill up with various emergency crews, including agents from the RCMP's Super-Heroes and Villains department. The Codger closes his Scan-O-Matic^TM, and slips it and the three styrofoam dodecahedra into his pocket.

Chuck War
Well?

The Codger
That's them, all right. Somehow all the water has been removed from their bodies, leaving behind these giant crystals. Their DNA is still intact, although the crystallization is still going on.

Gen X Man
That is sooo Classic Trek. Well, now what do we do? Hydrogen and Deuterium Boy were the only ones who knew what this was all about.

The Codger
Lord knows you couldn't do anything yourself, you whiny pork-head.

Chuck War
Nobody panic, they've still got a chance. If we can get them back to League HQ we should still be able to restore them!

Gen X Man
Panic is what I do best. Have I shared my nuclear apocalypse fantasies with anyone here recently?

SuperConductor
We'd better get them back to League headquarters... before it's...

All
TOO LATE!

Meanwhile, in an abandoned air traffic control tower in Spuzzum county... Princess Madge has been tied to a chair, and is under the watchful (albeit twisted) eye of Wayne. At the other end of the room, the Crustacean lounges in a "Barney the Dinosaur" wading pool.

Voice-over by the Crustacean
Despite Dr. Hawking's previous detour via Australia, everything is going precisely according to plan. I have eliminated the Baryonic Buffoons Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, and appropriated the Ruler of Elendil - and according to Wayne, I got rhythm. Indeed, who could ask for anything more? After landing the plane at this secret airstrip, Hawking and I abducted the Princess while Wayne held the other passengers hostage with a carrot peeler. The Air Torrado flight has been sent on to Vancouver with a message for the King of Torrado and the rest of the Western world - surrender, or face the consequences...

Dr. Hawking enters.

Hawking
Your Excellency, the dirigible has returned.

Crustacean
Excellent. The Ruler - give it to me.

From behind his back, Hawking produces the Ruler of Elendil and lays it in the Crustaceans claws.

Crustacean
Exquisite, isn't it, doctor? If you look carefully you can see some of Pascal's original inscriptions, underneath where Robespierre overlaid the metric units after the revolution.

Hawking
Indeed, it fascinates, your Excellency. How old is the device?

Crustacean
Over 450 human years, Hawking. Although my researches on AltaVista have revealed that the steel edging may date back to pre-Arthurian Britain... Look how it glows, Doctor.

The Ruler is shining with a fierce blue light - its reaction to the presence of evil.

Hawking
Intriguing.

Crustacean
I presume its output of power is not enough for your purposes?

Hawking grins malevolently.

Hawking
Yes, your Excellency - however, its focusing powers have been well-documented through Hydrogen Guy's exploits. It would make a fine temporal flux wave-guide.

Crustacean
Wait until we have recovered the Ark. Its other properties will be useful to me until then.

Hawking
Of course, your Excellency.

A nearby telephone rings. Hawking goes to answer it.

Voice-over by the Crustacean
The only dark spot on this otherwise bright visage is that Princess has thus far resisted all of my attempts at mind control. I put it down to the extensive military training that all Torradan royals undergo. It is only a matter of time before I am able to break down her barriers...

Hawking
Telephone, Your Excellency - it's the President.

Crustacean
At last, it begins...

He passes the Ruler back to Hawking as Hawking hands him the phone.

Crustacean
Hello, Mr. President.

U.S. President
Mr. Crustacean, how are you today?

Crustacean
I will come right to the point, Mr. President. My demands are final. I intend to have the Ark, and there is nothing you or any of America's puppet organisations such as NATO or the United Nations, can do about it.

U.S. President
Well, that's fine to say, Mr. Crustacean, I respect your point of view but my responsibility is to the safety of American servicemen in Torrado... we do not as a matter of course bow to international terrorists, and I can assure you neither does King Jerome. We will resort to using military force against you if provoked.

Crustacean
If you thought that would get you re-elected, I'm sure you would. I have noticed, Mr. President, that the U.S. picks which of its threats to follow up on very carefully, and as neither Canada nor Torrado are high on your empire's list of priorities, I am not overly concerned.

U.S. President
Now, look here, Mr. Crustacean... I'm serious about that. King Jerome will not accede to your demands and neither will America. I was speaking to Prime Minister Chretien just moments ago and he has given UN Security forces full leave to act against you...

Crustacean
My biramous appendages are quivering, Mr. President. A word of advice... if you were to encourage the King to deal with me, Dr. Hawking may be able to persuade his ICBC colleagues to destroy a certain set of photos involving a bar maid from Tucson...

U.S. President
I'm sure an agreement can be worked out shortly to everyone's satisfaction, Mr. Crustacean.

Crustacean
I'm sure. Good-bye, Mr. President.

Princess
You fiend! King Jerome will never give you what you want...

Crustacean
Ah, but you are wrong my dear, gloated the lobster. The King, I believe, would gladly give up this secret, or even his very kingdom, to save his only child...

Princess
But you don't understand...

The scene grows wavy and out of focus, signifying the beginning of a flashback...

Several years past, in Torrado. World renowned theoretical physicist Jim Evans and his fiancée Cathy Puskas are having an intimate dinner with King Jerome of Torrado and his daughter, Princess Madge.

King Jerome
Well, Dr. Evans, We are pleased that you and your lovely companion could join us for dinner.

Jim
Er.. yes, thank you, Your Majesty. Although I have to admit that I find the traditional Torradan dish of fetal pig eyeballs marinated in spinal fluid to be a tad... adventuresome.

Cathy
It was good, really, Your Majesty.

King Jerome
Ho ho! Excellent! And, once again, let me congratulate you on winning Our Country's prestigious Zerfelda Prize in Physics.

Jim
Thank you again, Your Majesty. Our group's theories with regard to the topological relations between hydrogen and deuterium with Nervenfeldt's quantum re-interpretation of the mind-body problem in the context of the multi-dimensional space-time of modern superstring theory... um, I can't remember where I was going with this...

Cathy
Just eat your candied beets, dear.

King Jerome
Ho ho ho, excellent, excellent... more coffee? No? Very well...

He dismisses the servers. The King and Princess rise from the table. Evans and Puskas respectfully do likewise.

King Jerome
Well, as it is nearly nine o'clock, the Princess and, er, We, must retire. A busy day of molding national policy, hospital tours, and taunting the press tomorrow.

The commoners immediately take the hint that they are dismissed, and make sufficiently fulsome thanks for the dinner and personal attention, before taking their leave. As they walk out of the dining room, Cathy Puskas and the Princess exchange a meaningful glance.
The couple walks through the castle corridor towards their room.

Cathy
Jim... there's something I have to tell you...

Jim
It's okay, Cath, I was lying about the pig eyeballs too. "Adventuresome" is my code-word for "really very nasty".

Cathy
No, it's not that... Princess Madge...

Jim
Yes, you too seem to have been getting on famously the last few days. She was a bit quiet at dinner, though. Still, no harm done, I can't believe how many utterly hilarious stories the King has about world leaders. Heh, like that one about Yeltsin's pants -

Cathy
Jim, have you noticed that Princess Madge and I are practically twins?

Jim
Er... well, sort of, I guess. I mean, there is a resemblance, I'll admit. But she's got a bit of a bigger nose, and you've got a much nicer -

Cathy
Yes, well... Madge and I are going to switch places. She's tired of being a princess, and I'm... well, I need a change too.

Jim
I don't understand.

Cathy
Madge is going to Canada, to lead a normal life, where the press isn't always after her and she's not always surrounded by bodyguards and secretaries. She's flying back later tonight under my name. I'm going to stay in Torrado and pretend I'm her.

Jim
And live like a princess...

Cathy
[pause] Yes. It will only be for a couple years, then the King will fake the Princess's death in a car accident.

Jim
And then you'll come back?

Cathy
I might.

There is one of those very long, uncomfortable pauses that tend to congregate around moments like this.

Jim
But - why? I thought you loved me. Aren't you happy with me?

Cathy
Yes, I love you, but happy - I don't know. I might be. I suppose I'll find out in a little while... And also, well - the Princess is a really wonderful person, and, well, our fathers are both Freemasons... and...

Another one of those pauses.

Jim
All right. The Freemasonry thing, that I understand. [heavy sigh] When are you switching places?

Cathy
In an hour, in the garden. The King's servants moved my things into her rooms during dinner. This will probably be the last time I see you. As Cathy Puskas, I mean...

She leans forwards and kisses him. Not a proper kiss, but a good-bye kiss.

Cathy
I have to go. Good bye, darling.

She turns and ducks out into the garden.

Jim
Good-bye...

The scene wavers again, and we are back in the abandoned air traffic control tower. End of flashback.

Princess
[Aside] ... so the King will never pay Mr. Jones' ransom, because I'm not really his daughter... as far as I know, the real Madge is working at the GAP somewhere in Toronto... If only Jim were here now...

Meanwhile, back at the Secret Laboratory of the League of Heroes (local 441)... SuperConductor and Chuck War are keeping a careful watch over various pieces of equipment, including three human-sized opaque glass cylinders. The Codger enters.

The Codger
Well?

SuperConductor
You know, this would go a lot better if you weren't coming in here every five minutes and saying "Well".

The Codger
I'm old, I don't have to be patient. It's been hours now. How's the regeneration going?

Chuck War
It seems to be going fine. The high-pressure rehydration of the crystal structure was successful, now we're using their DNA to reconstruct their bodies.

The Codger
What about their minds?

SuperConductor pauses uncomfortably. Perhaps it's a leftover from the previous scene...

SuperConductor
We think that there was enough memetic structure to do a full reconstruction. But there may be some memory loss, particularly of recent events. Unless there was particularly strong imprinting.

The Codger
You have no idea.

Chuck War
That's about the size of it.

Suddenly, alarms wail and lights start flashing all around the regeneration cylinders!

SuperConductor
Great Orient Express!

The Codger
WHAT? WHAT?

Chuck War
The genetic and psychological reconstruction is complete! Quick, SuperConductor, the environmental locking systems! Disengage protoplasmic flow!

SuperConductor
Disengaged! Internal environment renormalised to within point zero zero four tolerance!

Chuck War
Releasing embryonic molecular wave motors! Vapour seal coming down

SuperConductor
Shutting down atomic structure shuffler! Theyre coming out!

The fronts of the cylinders slowly begin to open... clouds of steam billow into the room, as three figures step out!

Deuterium Boy
Holy Igaluk, the Inuit moon god! Were stark raving naked, Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy:
Ahh! [covers himself] Chuck! Quick, the Insta-Spray Costumes!

Three nozzles descend from the ceiling, and spray the trio with a dense, colourful cloud. The sprayers stop, and retreat into the ceiling, leaving Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy in their regular outfits, and Special Agent Mercier in a futuristic jumpsuit.

Hydrogen Guy:
Marvelous! A little tight around the fanny, though

Chuck War
Nice to see you two are alive.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Chuck. It's nice to be alive.

The Codger
You boys all right?

Deuterium Boy
Fine, I think...

Mercier
Oy...

Hydrogen Guy
Can't complain... thanks again, Gramps, for keeping that investigation of our deaths off the League agenda all this time while we were laying low...

Chuck War
What?! You -

SuperConductor
You've been -

The Codger
Anytime, son. [to others] What? The League had to kept in the dark, but they had to let me in on it otherwise his mother would kill me. [to HG and DB] How's your noggins?

Deuterium Boy
A little hazy. I have no idea what I'm doing here.

Hydrogen Guy
I... Great Feynman's Ghost! The... Crustacean! He's kidnapped Ca - the Princess... and he's got the Ruler of Elendil!

Deuterium Boy
Crustacean? What crustacean? Nice James T. Kirk imitation, by the way...

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck! Where... ?

Chuck War
The old ICBC airstrip in Spuzzum county. You'd better hurry.

Hydrogen Guy
Quick, Deuterium Boy! The de Broglie boards!

Two high tech and gaudily coloured surf-boards come flying through the air towards them. They do an impressive co-ordinated back-flip, landing right on the boards as they come to a stop and hover a few centimeters in the air.

Hydrogen Guy
Set phase fibrillator to 3500 nanometers and engage!

Deuterium Boy
3500 nanometers, check!

They kick-start the boards' de Broglie drives, and hardly before the warm-up whine is out of the spectator's ears, with a blinding flash they disappear - riding the matter waves of the Universe to their deadly destination!

Meanwhile, back at the abandoned air traffic control tower...

Voice-over by the Crustacean
It has been six hours since my conversation with the President, and no word yet from the King of Torrado if I do not soon receive word that he has met my demands, I will be forced to subject the Princess to unimaginable

Princess
Hey, can I get some water?

Crustacean
Silence! You are interrupting my voiceover!

Voice-over by the Crustacean
...as I was saying, I shall be forced to subject the Princess to unimaginable psychic torture

Crustacean
Wayne! Fetch the Princess some water!

Wayne
Yes, Crustacean master! Unh hunh hunh...

Princess
Can you make it a spring water? Not something Canadian, either...

Crustacean
You're pushing it, Princess.

Princess
Get bent, spiny.

Voice-over by the Crustacean
The psychic torture option is looking ever more attractive.

The door opens, and Dr. Hawking enters.

Hawking
Your Excellency! The device is complete!

Crustacean
Ah, this... "Clock of Radishes" of yours?

Hawking
Yes, Excellency! All it needs now is its power source. If I may boast, it is truly a work of dark evil genius! [evil laugh] HA HA HA HA!

Crustacean
Well done, Dr. Hawking. You are truly a paragon of darkness. It is a pity that you are human and will, eventually, have to die.

Princess
What's the Clock of Radishes?

Crustacean
Ah, so now you take an interest, Princess? It is too late for you, nonetheless. The "Clock of Radishes" is a mechanical device of such horrid simplicity, I might have thought of it myself a machine which can reverse and accelerate the flow of time

Hawking
It is a little known fact that of all vegetables, the radish possesses unique properties with respects to the flow of time. Over the past several years I have conducted numerous experiments which prove conclusively, that the bio-thaumaturgical field of a radish can be used to warp time as effectively as a black hole! HA HA HA HA!

Princess
You're crazy.

Crustacean
It would seem so, but the good Doctor has demonstrated his findings to me, and they are in fact valid.

Hawking
Now, my Clock of Radishes will allow His Excellency to *control* time! And what is it? Some wires, nails, an old Amiga, a bank of "Radio Shack" flux capacitors, and three tons of radishes! MWA HA HA HA!!

Princess
You fiends!

Crustacean
Yes, but theres more, my dear... For now, the device has a limited use as it consumes more power than is readily available in this Galaxy. But there is one artifact on this planet which can be used as a thaumaturgical battery...

Princess
The Lost Ark of Isaac Newton!

Crustacean
Precisely! Then I shall simply reverse the evolutionary history of the Earth - and make lobsters the dominant species, a species under MY rule! Beautiful, is it not?

The Princess stares at him. A dangerous stare.

Princess
All right. That's it. Ive had it with you, you insane you, you, LOBSTER!!!

Crustacean
And what will you do about it?

She narrows her eyes.

Princess
Watch me.

Princess
AHA!

Crustacean
WHAT?!

Princess
Wayne sucks at tying knots, I'm afraid.

With her left hand still tied to the chair, she swings the chair around and hits Hawking in the stomach. He doubles over and lands in the Crustacean's wading pool, upsetting it and sending the Crustacean and the Ruler of Elendil flying.

Crustacean
AAAAGHHH!!!

She grabs the Ruler with her right hand, and uses it to cut the ropes on her left hand.

Princess
Deal with it, spiny.

The Crustacean tumbles onto the floor on his back, flips himself over, and scuttles underneath a nearby counter.

Hawking
Wayne! Stop her!

Wayne comes at her with the glass of spring water. With a flick of the wrist, she catches Waynes wrist, causing the glass of water to fly across the room. The water splashes Dr. Hawking in the face as he tries to get up.

Hawking
AAAAH! My eyes! Im blind! Im Im melting!! [he falls to the floor, writhing in pain.

Wayne
Master! She has gained the upper hand! We're defenseless!

Crustacean
You idiots! Stop her!

Princess
Eat steel, Crab!

Crustacean
I'M NOT A CRAB, I'M A -

The door bursts open, and into the room rushes -

Crustacean
HYDROGEN GUY!!!

Hydrogen Guy
No, Crustacean, *I'm* Hydrogen Guy! You're just a lobster.

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy AND Deuterium Boy! Deuterium Boy, dammit!

Princess
Hydrogen Guy! Catch!

She tosses him the Ruler. Deuterium Boy has already drawn his sabre.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks, Princess. Are you all right?

Princess
Rope-burned, and I really have to pee.

Hydrogen Guy
All in good time, darling. Now, Crustacean, submit to the forces of good and nothing will get messy!

Crustacean
Never, human scum! WAYNE!! HAWKING!

Wayne suddenly remembers his carrot-peeler, pulls it out of his pocket and runs screaming at Deuterium Boy. (In Wayne's defense, this is a very nasty looking carrot-peeler.) Deuterium Boy ducks, and Wayne leaps over him. Wayne flies through the window, sending glass everywhere, and falls to his untimely death! Hawking staggers to his feet, and grabs the chair. He runs at Hydrogen Guy, who easily parries his attack and knocks him to the floor, unconscious.

Princess
Wait!! Where's the Crustacean!

Deuterium Boy
He's gone! Disappeared in a puff of logic!

Hydrogen Guy
Look! Outside!

The Crustaceans dirigible floats up from the landing strip outside. A holographic Crustacean appears in the air beneath it.

Crustacean
You've foiled my plans, Hydrogen Guy, but the last word is mine! Ive activated Hawkings Clock of Radishes - without sufficient power, it will explode, taking you and your sycophantic sidekick with it! So long, Hydrogen Guy!

With a flash of light, the dirigible vanishes!

Deuterium Boy
Holy Cinteotl the Aztec corn god! He's got a de Broglie blimp!

Hydrogen Guy
I don't think we've seen the last of that bivalved carapace, DB! Quick, grab Hawking and let's get out of here!

Hydrogen Guy sweeps the Princess off her feet -

Princess
HEY!

Hydrogen Guy
Shush!

- while Deuterium Boy slings the unconscious Dr. Hawking over his shoulder. The dash out the door. Cut to an exterior view of the tower. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy come running up, and they turn and look back. Hydrogen Guy lowers the Princess to the ground. With a thunderous

the tower explodes in a fiery mushroom cloud. Moments later, red scraps of vegetable matter rain down over them.

Princess
Blahck! Radish guts!

She turns to look at Hydrogen Guy, who is gazing at her thoughtfully. He reaches up and pulls off his hat and mask, to reveal the face of Jim Evans, humble physicist.

Princess
Jim - ?

Deuterium Boy
Oh great. Here we go...

Evans reaches out and she flies into his arms. They kiss gratuitously, as romantic music swells in the background. Deuterium Boy pretends not to notice, picking bits of radish off his costume and letting his mind wander back to a beach in Australia several years earlier, where he met a gorgeous accountant/model named Diane...

Several days later, a candle-lit dinner at the Bamboo Reed, home to sweet music, MSG and meta-humour. Jim Evans and Cathy Puskas, stepping out for the evening from her role as Princess Madge, are enjoying the atmosphere.

Jim
... so after that, I discovered I had hydrogen super-powers. Now I fight the forces of evil, usually with time for a quick hot chocolate along the way.

Cathy
Quite successfully too.

Jim
[shrugs] Well, there are good days and bad days. After all, ICBC is still menacing the Free World...

Cathy
You're cute when you're hopelessly insecure.

Jim
Thanks. So I was watching the Fresh Fruit and Cultural Centre opening on TV. You were looking good.

Cathy
Thanks!

Jim
You're getting pretty good at this Princessing, eh?

Cathy
Uh-huh. It's a good job. I love the clothes. And the Securitat gives me all these incredible body guards...

Jim
I don't wanna hear it! Too much information... anyway, the Juice Bar looks like its going to be one of the trendiest places in the city...

There is a brief pause in the conversation. No, not one of *those* pauses...

Cathy
Jim, I'm sorry about - you know - right after the rescue...

Jim
Oh. [blushes] No, not at all. Emotional moment, and all that. And ratings do demand a love scene, once in a while...

Cathy
I'm glad you're doing something you enjoy.

Jim
And vice versa. So - how long are you going to keep up the Princessing?

Cathy
I'm still under contract to King Jerome. He still needs me to play the role of playgirl-princess until he figures the time is right for "the accident".

Jim
When's that going to happen?

Cathy
There's a schedule of five-year plans worked out.

Jim
Ah... I see. Well, Cath... how do you want to end this then? A parody of the Casablanca's last scene? We part, then a pull-out shot of me drinking hot chocolate, with a mellow jazz score and voiceover? Or how about a colossal dance number?

Cathy
I have an idea...

Suddenly, there are sounds of panic outside the restaurant. The waiter runs by, joining in the panic.

Waiter
Help! A giant potato with radioactive ear-wax is attacking the city! Somebody find Hydrogen Guy!

Jim
Nice ending, Cath. Say, you were pretty handy with the Ruler... feeling like lending a hand?

Cathy
[pulling a sword from her backpack] Any time. After you can buy me a hot apple cider..

And so, hand in hand, they dash off into the night, ready to defend the city from surrealist threats great and small. True love reigns over all, goodness and niceness prevail, the studio makes a bundle and a sequel is guaranteed!

Such is life, if only in comic books.

[Fade to black; roll credits]