Episode 95

...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Part I

Late at night, a nondescript restaurant somewhere in Vancouver. Aside from a bored elderly man behind the bar, the dining room is deserted except for six middle-aged men sitting around a table, playing cards and smoking cigars and cigarettes, in direct violation of the city's smoking ban. But these are no ordinary flouters of law and civic ordinance - they are leaders of that sinister gang known as the Balabanian Circle.

Boris
You know what I want, Guy.

Guy
No, Boris, you're gonna have to tell me.

Boris
Don't play games with me, Guy. I know you got what I want, now hand it over.

Guy
I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about.

Kenny
Boris, will you just ask him already?

Boris
I am asking him.

Kenny
No, I mean ask him ask him.

Guy
Just ask, already.

Boris
Fine. Guy, d'you have any twos?

Guy
Go fish.

Boris
Guy, c'mon, I know you're hoarding a coupla twos over there!

Guy
I told you before, I ain't got any twos!

Boris
If you got twos, you gotta give'em to me, that's the rules.

Guy
Yeah, and if'n I don't, you gotta go fish, and I'm tellin' you, go fish!

Kenny
Boris, just pick up a card, already.

Boris
I'm just makin' sure.

Guy
Are you callin' me a liar?

Marty
All right, already. Guy, you have a two?

Guy
No!

Marty
You swear?

Guy
On my mother's grave, Marty.

Marty
Boris, go fish.

Boris
Okay, okay...

He picks up a card, glancing as he does at the window behind Marty's shoulder.

Boris
There some kinda comic book convention or something this weekend?

Kenny
I ain't heard about anything.

Guy
I told you, Boris, I got a cousin who can hook you up for the 'Love Hina' DVDs, no sweat.

Marty
'Love Hina', Boris?

Boris
Guy, you gotta big mouth... There's a bunch of kids dressed up like robots or something out in the parking lot...

Kenny
Huh?

Boris
They look like they've got cardboard boxes on their heads.

The others turn around to look. A number of blocky shapes are moving - actually, gliding - around out in front of the restaurant. They are spot lit by green, yellow and red LEDs. Marty calls back to the man behind the bar.

Marty
Heya Connie, go tell those kids to scram, will ya?

He nods and steps out from behind the bar and walks the few paces to the front door. He flings it open and steps out, holding the door.

Connie
Hey! You -- Holy sh-

One of the drawbacks of being a world-renowned theoretical physicist is that people invited you to parties. Not that Jim Evans was completely inhuman, and hated all parties; he just hated the ones that had more than about a dozen people, maximum, preferably sitting around someone's back yard, or watching an old movie, while coddling a beverage. He didn't even particularly mind dressing up - he did, or so he believed, look fabulous in this jacket, and Kate was wearing that dress. It was just that this was a rather large party. And he never knew what to do with himself.

Evans
Look, there's a free chair over there. Let's grab a plate of crackers and go sit.

Kate
No. It's a party. We have to be social. That's the point. You see, this is why you don't like parties. If you go sit in a corner with a plate of crackers, of course no one's going to talk to you.

Evans
Why not? What's to stop interesting people from coming over an starting a conversation?

Kate
Interesting women, you mean.

Evans
Ah, well no, I --

Kate
It's because all the interesting people are already having conversations. And you know, sweetie, you're not the most approachable person in the world.

Evans
What? I'm approachable. Dave, I'm approachable, aren't I?

David Marcolin, nuclear-chemist-about-town, had just sidled up, and was carefully picking a fragment of parsley off his shrimp hors-d'oeuvre.

Marcolin
Oh, no, not at all.

Evans
What!?

Marcolin
You've got an excellent "bugger off and leave me alone" look. I wish mine was half as good. Hi Kate!

Kate
Hi Dave. No date?

Marcolin
Of course not, I'm taken.

Kate
Oh right, this girl of yours "overseas".

Marcolin
Wow, I can actually hear the quotation marks.

Evans
I'm damn approachable. Why wouldn't I be approachable? I'm friendly. I always try to look... amiable...

Kate
Sorry, it's just we've never seen her... I'm just kidding, Dave, of course I believe in her. Still, there's nothing wrong with bringing a friend along.

Marcolin
Ehh, well...

Kate
Oh, there's Linda... I'm going to go say hello. Jim, wanna come?

Evans
Bring her over, I'm going to stay and make fun of Dave's shirt for calling me unapproachable.

Kate
See you in a bit.

She drifts off with a fond wave, and Evans watches her appreciatively before turning back to David.

Marcolin
What's wrong with my shirt?

Evans
It's poofy, you look like a pirate. Seriously, am I unapproachable?

Marcolin
I... yeah, a little.

Evans
My confidence is shaken.

Marcolin
You'll live. Come on, it's just you. You're self-absorbed, intellectual, and have zero social instincts. But hey, Kate likes you.

Evans
Yes, that's true. And as long as I'm at parties with you two pointing out my flaws, I'll always be entertained... Hey, did I see you talking to Mario the Know-It-All?

Marcolin
Yeah. Apparently he came with Tulley's brother. You know what he told me?

Evans
Tulley's brother?

Marcolin
No, Know-It-All. He says the Intermezzo burnt down.

Evans lowered his voice.

Evans
The place where the Balabanian Circle crew hang out? You're joking. When, tonight?

Marcolin
About an hour ago.

Evans
Arson?

Marcolin
It wasn't a kitchen fire.

Evans
Was anyone killed?

Marcolin
He didn't know, but he said that there was no one there when the time the fire department got there, and if there was anyone inside, there's no way they could've survived.

Evans
Wow... that's a big league hit. That rules out pretty much everyone but ICBC. Unless someone else just got a reason to be really cocky.

Marcolin
Uh-huh.

Evans
Why did Mario even tell you all this? Does he even know you out of costume?

Marcolin
Nope. I just mingle well. I'm approachable.

Evans
Ow. Bastard.

A dark-haired woman in a pink dress had come up behind them and was examining the snacks arrayed on the table. She takes some cheese and crackers and, as she turns to leave, elbows David in the back.

LaValle
Oh, I'm sorry -- David Marcolin?

Marcolin
Miranda LaValle.

Jim raises an eyebrow.

LaValle
Oh my god, hi! How are you? I don't think I've seen you since -- oh jeez, graduation...

Marcolin
I'm good. How about you?

LaValle
Good, good.

Evans
Hi, Miranda.

LaValle
Oh, um, hi.

Marcolin
You remember Jim?

LaValle
Ah...

Evans
Jim Evans? Went to high school with you and Dave?

LaValle
Oh. Oh! Yeah, okay, I remember. Nice to see you.

Evans
You too.

She turned back to Dave.

LaValle
So what are you doing now?

Marcolin
I'm in Nuclear Chemistry department at the Maple Ridge Institute of High Energy Physics.

LaValle
Wow! That's really impressive.

Marcolin
Jim's in the Theoretical Physics Department.

LaValle
That's nice... I'm curating the invertebrates collection at the Vancouver Aquarium.

Marcolin
Really? Cool. So do you get to play with sea cucumbers all day?

LaValle
Sure. And octopus and anemones. Not to mention more worms and starfish than most normal people have ever seen... So are you dating anyone these days?

Marcolin
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

Evans
I am too! She's over there.

LaValle
That's great, good for you. I'm single, looking, you know how it is.

Marcolin
Oh yeah.

LaValle
Anyway... it was really nice to see you again.

Marcolin
Yeah, you too.

LaValle
Drop by anytime you're in the aquarium. I'll show you one of those sea cucumbers.

Marcolin
I'll do that. Have a nice night.

LaValle
You too...

She grabs another token cracker and heads off in the other direction.

Evans
That ungrateful little snot... I helped her with her physics labs every week in high school, and she barely acknowledges my existence. Apparently I'm not only unapproachable, I'm a non-entity.

Marcolin
You got off lucky. I feel unclean now...

Kate
Hey guys. Dave, who was that?

Marcolin
Nobody. I'm going away now.

Evans
Dave --

Kate
Jim, Linda's brother wants to meet you.

Evans
Oh?

Kate
He's a philosophy student.

Evans
Oh no. No, no --

Kate
He wants to talk about quantum physics with you. I'm sure it will be fascinating.

Evans
Dave?

Marcolin
Good luck.

Evans
Help.

"Units, report."

"Unit 22, successful arrival."

"Unit 18, successful arrival."

"All systems normal."

"All systems normal."

"Visual confirmation of target."

"Affirmative."

"Acknowledged."

"Central, Priority Enemies 1 and 2 have entered the target."

"Affirmative. Visual confirmation.

"Acknowledged, units. Exercise caution."

"Caution will be exercised. We will exterminate the enemies with vigour."

"Word to that, Unit 22."

Mid-morning, the Usual Coffee Shop.

Java Serf
'Kay, here you go, one large hot chocolate with whip, and one heavy water mocha latté.

Hydrogen Guy
Thanks.

Deuterium Boy
Any actinides?

Java Serf
Behind you, with the cream and sugar.

Deuterium Boy pauses at the cream-and-sugar island, sprinkling powder on the foam of his latté from a lead canister with a bright green radioactivity label on it. He joins Hydrogen Guy and Doug the rubber skeleton at a table by the window, where Hydrogen Guy is flipping through the Maple Ridge Gazette.

Doug
*gurgle*

Deuterium Boy
Sorry, Doug, they were out of Jelvan green tea.

Hydrogen Guy
Thank God.

Doug
*gurgle*

Hydrogen Guy
I don't care how good it is for your chakras, it still smells like moose urine.

Deuterium Boy
Darbuks are more like cows than moose, aren't they?

Hydrogen Guy
Never seen one, ask Chuck War...

Deuterium Boy
Oh, and you've smelled moose urine?

Hydrogen Guy
Remind me to tell you about the family camping trip when I was nine...

He paused, examining the headline exulting "DEADLY FIRE CLAIMS NINE" along with the accompanying photos.

Deuterium Boy
That the story on the Intermezzo?

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... it says "among the dead were the restaurant's owner, Marty Shlebotnik (58), two members of the staff, and several of the owner's friends; of the latter only Boris Tarasenko, 49, had been identified at press time..." Nothing in the story about any criminal connections.

Deuterium Boy
Marty Shlebotnik was head of the Balabanian Circle.

Hydrogen Guy
And Tarasenko was one of his closest lieutenants... It looks like someone cut the Circle off at the neck in one stroke.

Deuterium Boy
It's not ICBC's usual style.

Hydrogen Guy
No, but I bet they're wishing it had been... I'm betting it was someone else, someone relatively minor, who all of a sudden is feeling "oaty".

Deuterium Boy
Who's got problems with the Circle?

Hydrogen Guy
A few of the Triads, one of those are probably the best bet. A couple others were allied with the Circle, it could that be one of those turned on them. Anyone who used to be associated with ICBC would have no love for them, either -- the Black Rose, Chimera, Inc., Terrier Ironcore... the others are out of the picture, but it could be Ironcore, he's been laying low since Switzerland... Oh, and the Crustacean.

Deuterium Boy
No, seriously.

Hydrogen Guy
I am serious! Remember, ICBC started that thing between the Circle and the Crustacean that made him hightail it for Ottawa? Lonnie got caught in the middle of it ¹.

Deuterium Boy
Oh, right... well, what about Servomation ²?

Hydrogen Guy
Maybe in their glory day, but since the dot-com crash, they've been pretty much a non-entity... y'know, I wonder if N arranged that because he was getting bored... So what do you think, DB, should we investigate? We could head off a mob war or some such that threatens the life and limb of Maple Ridge's fair citzenry...

Doug
*GURGLE*

Suddenly a strange, almost electronic shriek seems to come from the mouth of the rubber skeleton. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy stare at him in amazement - after all this time, Doug can still surprise him. The shriek transforms into a strobing, modulated tone, like an old-style synthesizer.

Hydrogen Guy
Doug... ? Are you playing an ancient BBC science fiction theme?

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! Outside, look!

Hydrogen Guy follows Deuterium Boy's gaze out the window. Beyond the Tritium Truck, in the parking lot of the strip mall where the Usual was located, two large, boxy objects had appeared and were wheeling about seemingly at random. They looked something like a cross between an oversized fire hydrant and a barbecue, each with a large nozzle or gun barrel of some kind poking out from a turret-like dome on top, and a pair of mechanical gripping claws extending from chest-level. They were covered in an array of blinking lights, and rolled around a wheeled tripods with the deadly purpose and accuracy of a shopping cart.

Hydrogen Guy
It's Attack of the Fakey-Looking Killer Robots...

Doug seemed to segue into a kind of MIDI piano solo. The Java Serf and other coffee shop patrons were also staring curiously at the oncoming FLKRs.

Java Serf
Dude, what are those things? They're coming this way.

Deuterium Boy
HG, we better go take a look...

Hydrogen Guy
Agreed, DB...

He looked at Doug, and raised his eyebrow at the most recent shift in his 'music'.

Hydrogen Guy
All right, now that's "Blockbuster" by the Sweet. What are you trying to get away with, exactly?

He grabs Doug and stuffs him into his Useful Things Belt, and they dash outside into the parking lot. The robots stop and orient themselves so as to face the Usual. They regard the Diatomic Duo silently and blink their lights menacingly. Hydrogen Guy tries to ignore the fact that his rubber skeleton is playing Gary Glitter like a bad portable radio.

Hydrogen Guy
Can we help you, er, gentlemen?

They swivel their domes to face each other for a second, seeming to communicate by an intense burts of blinking lights, then swing their nozzles back to face the heroes.

FLKR #1
Are you the humans designated as Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy?

Hydrogen Guy
That would be us, yes.

FLKR #2
Then you will be exterminated.

Their chest panels flipped open, revealing six small missiles each.

FLKR #1
Kiss it goodbye, homo sapiens.

Deuterium Boy
Look out!

Hydrogen Guy dived back into the coffee shop as Deuterium Boy quickly threw a shield of metallic deuterium up in the missiles path.

Hydrogen Guy
Everybody, out the back! Hurry!

The missiles exploded against the deuterium shield! Deuterium Boy was thrown back into window of the Usual; glass and furniture flew like shrapnel as the coffee shop denizens rushed towards the backdoor fire exit. Hydrogen Guy gave the Java Serf a well-meaning shove towards relative safety and hurried to help Deuterium Boy up.

Hydrogen Guy
DB!

Deuterium Boy
Oooh... man, am I glad I picked up that liqui-steel undershirt...

Hydrogen Guy
Stay down!!

A second volley of missiles screamed over their heads and exploded behind them. The smell of burnt coffee filled their nostrils. A crashing sound came from ahead of them; the robots were cars aside, tearing parts off when necessary, to get to the coffee shop.

Hydrogen Guy
Forward or back, DB?

Deuterium Boy
Hey! HEY! That's the NEW Tritium Truck, you bastards!

He scrambled to his feet, pulling a pair of D-shaped Deuterium-O-Rangs from his Useful Things Belt. His eyes flashed with menace.

Hydrogen Guy
Forward it is, then.

He started to get to his feet. The FLKRs had made it onto the sidewalk and were maneuvering towards the door. They swivelled their turrets back and forth erratically, jets of intense yellow-white flame erupting from the nozzles. The remains of the storefront was starting to burn obligingly. In addition, he could see each had one remaining round of two missiles each.

The emergency sprinkler system switched on.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, watch out!

FLKRs
Exterminate! Exterminate!

Deuterium Boy
That was our truck, you bastards!

They fired their missiles at Deuterium Boy! Using the speed of the Universe's second lightest atom, Deuterium Boy flung the two Deuterium-O-Rangs and then dissolved into gas. The missles passed right through him, exploding against the far wall. One Deuterium-O-Rang went wild, but the second found its mark, hitting one of the robots dead centre of its turret. As any good fakey-looking killer robot would, its head popped off in a burst of sparks. The other swivelled around to see what had happened to its companion, although without shutting down its flame-thrower, helpfully roasting whatever was left.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, I don't know how good an idea it was to turn into an inflammable gas in a coffee shop going up in fla--

Chuck War and Lola Lakefront-Property arrived just as the Maple Ridge Fire Department was dousing the last of the flames. The entire strip mall was cordoned off by the police and fire department; not for the first time, Lola was glad of the perks that came with a superhero boyfriend. She and Chuck slipped right in while other media were forced to observe from the sidelines.

Lola
Wow... would you look at that. The whole coffee shop is just... gone. That must have been one hot fire.

Chuck War
Yeah. Like the Intermezzo.

Lola
You think they're connected?

Chuck War
Don't you?

Lola
Sure, but maybe you know something I don't.

Chuck War
Yeah. Yeah... HG and DB were supposed to be coming here this morning.

Lola's face fell.

Lola
Oh my God... baby, why didn't you say anything?

Chuck War
Like HG says, it's a bad idea to theorise before you have all the facts. Willis!

He'd spotted Anthony Willis, the fill-in SHVD agent, talking to the fire chief. He saw Chuck and waved, then started to head over.

Lola
You want me to go?

Chuck War
I don't think he has anything confidential to say... Willis, how bad is it?

Willis
Hi, Chuck. I just got here myself. The chief says the fire's a lot like the Intermezzo, they figure there might be a common agent at work. Did you know the 'Mezzo was a mob hang-out?

Chuck War
Willis, what's going on? Was anyone hurt? Did they find anything?

Lola grabbed hold of Chuck's sleeve. She was staring at one of the partially demolished vehicles that had been parked in front of the Usual.

Willis
No. I don't know. I don't think there were any civilian casualties, the kid who was working the counter said that Hydrogen Guy got everyone out when the robots started shooting --

Chuck War
Robots?

Lola
Chuck...

Chuck War
I see it, Lola. Willis, what about Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy? Where are they?

Willis
Nobody's seen any trace of them since the explosion.

Chuck War
That's the Tritium Truck over there.

Willis
I know, I know.

Chuck War
Where are they?!

Willis
Chuck, calm down. I told you, I just got here, I haven't even had time to interview any of the witnesses yet. All I know is that there were robots, an explosion, and that Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy were in it but everyone else got out.

Chuck War
Well stop wasting time jawing to me! Get to work! We need to know what happened, Willis!

Willis
Yes sir.

Lola
Special Agent, I'll help youtalk to the witnesses.

She gave Chuck's arm a squeeze and headed over to where the police were already talking to several weary, smoke-smudged people. Willis followed close on her heals.

Chuck sighed. It would still be a while before that boy made a real SHVD Special Agent.

Suddenly he felt a presence at his elbow. He started, then started again when he saw Carl, propieter of one of the city's classiest independent coffee shops, the Django Djava, standing next to him.

Carl
It is a sad, sad business, is it not.

Chuck War
Carl, what are you doing here? I never thought you were so morbid as to come look at a competitor's ashes.

Carl
Competitor?

He chuckled gravely.

Carl
I wish, my friend. I am here in the capacity of afflicted owner/operator.

Chuck War
Afflicted...? You mean you owned the Usual Coffee Shop?

Carl
I was the franchisee at this location, yes. It's something I did not like to have spread around so much. I felt it would damage my image as a bohemian.

Chuck War
Why were you competing against yourself?

Carl
Ah, but that was the beauty of the arrangement. The Usual serves those who like their coffee to be quick, undistinguished, and out of the box. Django Djava, on the other hand, serves those true connoisseurs, those with distinguished tastes, and deeper pocket books. It is, and always shall be, my true life's work. But it was the Usual Coffee Shop that paid the bills...

He sighed, and removed his maroon beret, unmooring several strands of dark whispy hair on his balding scalp. He pressed the hat dramatically to his heart.

Carl
Now, those days are past.

Chuck War
I just hope that's not all that's past...

Suddenly there was a shout from inside the smouldering shop. A firefighter stuck his head out and waved to the chief. Willis broke off interviewing a woman and ran to join him. Lola, Chuck, and Carl filed after into the shop.

Willis
Did you find something?

Firefighter
Yeah, it's some kind of machinery. It doesn't look like anything I've seen before.

Willis
Chief, get this cordoned off. Until I say the word I want no one in here who doesn't have clearance from.

Fire chief
Yes sir...

He looked meaningfully at Lola and Carl.

Chuck War
They're with me.

Willis nodded. The chief ducked back out of the shop.

Chuck and the SHVD agent peered at the find. It was roughly boxed shape, with traces of charred electronics poking out under a layer of ash and soot.

Chuck War
It's a droid of some kind... a fairly primitive one.

Willis
Is it contraband?

Chuck War
Hard to say... it's not a design I'm familiar with, but my gut tells me it's native with at most a few imported components... Is that another one over there?

Firefighter
I think so. It's a lot worse off, though.

Everyone started as there was a clanking nose from above. Above them, the roof was more or less in one piece, blackened and with almost of the flammable material burned away. It was crossed by several twisted metal pipes, the remains of the sprinkler system.

Lola
What's that?

Firefighter
Probably just the some trapped gas pockets in the sprinklers. Uh, Mr. War, if you could finish off and get everyone out of here quickly, that's probably be a good idea.

Chuck War
Sure thing. Willis, give me a hand, let's see what's inside this beastie...

He grabbed hold of the robot's damaged turret, and Willis followed suit. Suddenly Chuck stopped dead.

Willis
What is it?

Chuck looked at Lola. She saw what he was thinking, and her eyes widened.

Lola
Trapped gas pockets...

Chuck whirled around to the firefighter.

Chuck War
You have an axe? Crowbar, something?

Firefighter
Sure.

He reached around and produced a fire-axe that had been lying on the remains of the counter. Chuck grabbed it from him. Willis jerked his hands back from the robot, thinking Chuck would use it to crack the case open, but to his surprise, Chuck started hammering on the nearest weak link in the sprinkler system.

Firefighter
Uh... I don't know if I'd do that, the water or steam in there is probably still pretty hot...

Chuck War
Stand back.

He whacked harder at the pipes. The creaking and clanking seemed to grow as the pipes shook. Chuck shifted from a join to a partially fused sprinkler head. After a few blows, it tilted precariously, then finally, with one final wack, the head sheered off. Chuck jumped back as a spray of water and steam erupted from the broken head.

They all watched, Chuck and Lola anxiously, the others in bewilderment. Gradually the spray tapered off to a trickle of hot water, then finally a stream of drips. Chuck's face fell.

Chuck War
Damn...

He threw the axe aside.

Suddenly, there seemed to be a thickening in the air in front of them. Very slowly, a cloud of translucent vapour formed, labouriously taking on shape and colour. The cloud seemed to be struggling to pull itself together, partially solidifying, then losing focus, then solidifying somewhere else. Finally, it seemed to summon up all its strength, and pulled itself together in one heave.

The shape it finally formed was Hydrogen Guy supporting an unconscious Deuterium Boy. Their outlines flickered a bit, and still seemed slightly indistinct, but they were solid again.

Chuck War & Lola
YES!!

Willis
Holy...

Hydrogen Guy
Errrruhhhh...

And he passed out.

Both Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy were still feeling quite woozy that night when Chuck checked in at the Hydrogen Cave. HG was lying on the couch with a hot chocolate at hand, while DB had the love-seat and a similar comforting beverage. They both looked pale and grey.

Hydrogen Guy
It's the worst feeling. I'm dehydrated, but I can't stand the thought of water. Especially hot water.

Chuck War
Explain to me again what you did?

Hydrogen Guy
It's still a little foggy, pardon the pun...

Deuterium Boy groaned. Hydrogen Guy did not assume it was from the weak pun.

Hydrogen Guy
... DB... exploded, for want of a better word...

Deuterium Boy
That's because I DID explode. Chuck if you ever have the chance to be involved in a massively exothermal reaction -- pass.

Chuck War
Good advice.

Hydrogen Guy
You had flame, you had oxygen, DB did pretty much what any cloud of deuterium or hydrogen would. I thought he was already dead. I turned to gas myself, and just willed atoms not react themselves. I... managed to track down as many of DB's atoms as I could and bonded with them. We form a cloud of heavy water steam, each molecule one me-hydrogen, an oxygen, and one DB-deuterium. I think if I hadn't done that, his atoms would have been permanently scattered and he would've been gone for good.

Deuterium Boy
HG, I owe you... many. Thank you.

Hydrogen Guy sighed.

Hydrogen Guy
I just wish I could've done as well for Doug...

He gestured to a black-and-grey blob of melted rubber sitting on the end table.

Blob o' Doug
*gurgle*

Hydrogen Guy
Then... I managed to force our way into the spinkler system. I figured it would be the safest place until the fire was out. We covalent-bonded directly to the pipes, it took a lot of effort not to get washed back out again... Then finally you let us out. I feel so drained, I don't think I've used my powers this intensively since the water-behemoth ³...

Deuterium Boy
And the worst part is, we'll still need them when we find whoever sent those Flakers after us.

Chuck War
Flakers?

Hydrogen Guy
FLKR's, for "Fakey-Looking Killer Robots".

Chuck War
Cute. By the way, I brought something to show you. We found it when we cracked open that thing in the Usual. You were kind of out of it at the time...

Chuck reached into the knapsack he was carrying. Hydrogen Guy pulled himself upright. His ashen face was animated by genuine interest.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm half afraid I know what you're going to show me already...

Chuck produced large piece of scientific tupperware.

Chuck War
If you've scooped me on this, Holmes, I'll be damned put out. We found this in the turret; it had a whole slew of life support systems around it, not enough heat-protection to keep it alive in the explosion, but enough so that it wasn't charred beyond recognition. Hold your nose, it doesn't smell too good...

He popped open the lid. HG and DB peered inside the container. Hydrogen Guy looked grim, and Deuterium Boy looked like he was about to pass out again.

Deuterium Boy
That's not...

Hydrogen Guy
No. Too small.

Deuterium Boy
But it's... ?

Chuck War
... a crayfish. Your Fakey-Looking Killer Robots were controlled by crayfish.

Incredible Crazed Crawdads, Hydrogen Guy!
Wow, I am really tired. Seriously, it's like four-thirty in the morning right now, I am completely incapable of doing one of these teaser-blurb thingies. So, right, tune in next episode when we find out what all this is about. It'll all make sense and be really great, I promise. Find out in part II of...

Same Hydrogen Time... Same Hydrogen Website!