Episode 96
...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
Part II
Previously: Strange, fakey-looking killer robots attack the restaurant hideout of the crime ring known as the Balabanian Circle, burning it to the ground and killing the mob's leaders. Meanwhile, world-renowned theoretical physicist Jim Evans and nuclear chemist David Marcolin (unbeknownst to the world, the true identities of Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy) run into Miranda LaValle, curator of the Vancouver Aquarium's invertebrates collection. The next day, the Diatomic Duo ponder the mysterious arson at the Usual Coffee Shop, when suddenly the café is attacked! Our heroes barely escape with their lives and the café is destroyed along with Doug's physical body. While recuperating at the Hydrogen Cave later, Chuck War tells them that the robots were piloted by crayfish!
M
LaValle
It's a Marmorkrebs.
Hydrogen Guy
They make Marmite from crayfish?
LaValle
What?... No! 'Marmorkrebs' is the German common name. It's also called the marbled crayfish. Though this one's pretty well cooked, so it's hard to tell what colour it was. Their origin is unknown and they don't have a scientific name yet, but they seem to be closely related to a species from Florida called Procambarus fallax.
Chuck War
What do you mean, it's origin is unknown?
LaValle
Well, they just started showing up in the German aquarium trade in the mid-nineties. From where, who knows.
Hydrogen Guy
Crawdads from outer space!
LaValle
Not quite. They do have one really weird characteristic, though. Okay, well aside from piloting cheesy sci-fi robots around and burning down coffee shops. They're parthenogenetic. In other words, self-cloning.
Deuterium Boy
Holy Dolly Lama, HG!
Hydrogen Guy
Ouch, DB... Self-cloning? What do you mean, self-cloning?
LaValle
Well, all the individuals are female, not hermaphroditic, and they lay viable eggs without needing to be fertilised by a male. The offspring are then genetically identical to the parent. Clones, basically. It's a pretty recent discovery, actually, there was a letter to Nature about it back in February.
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... I think I remember seeing that, now that you mention it.
LaValle
Parthenogenesis has been seen in other crustacea before, but not in a decapod, like crayfish or lobsters. The implications for the marmorkrebs are fairly serious, actually. They're widespread in European aquaria, there's concern that if even one escapes into the wild, it could establish enough of a population in a short time that it might out-compete the native crayfish.
Chuck War
We're more concerned about their potential to out-compete native homo sapiens. Pyrotechnically speaking.
Hydrogen Guy
Can you tell if there's anything else odd about this Maynardkrebs?
LaValle
Well, it's big. Fourteen and a half inches long is about as big as crayfish usually get. Also, if you notice, its left claw is slightly bigger than the right... Lobsters usually have one claw larger and more powerful than the other, the crusher claw, but crayfish will have both claws about the same size. It's likely just an individual variation, it's hard to tell from just one specimen.
Hydrogen Guy
Or maybe someone's tried to introduce lobster genes into it.
LaValle
I have to admit, this is the first Marmorkrebs I've seen. I can tell you more if you let me keep it for an autopsy.
Chuck War
No problem. I already have all the paperwork.
LaValle
You need paperwork to release a dead crayfish?
Hydrogen Guy
Ms. LaValle, you need paperwork for everything.
Chuck produced the papers for her to sign.
Chuck War
Thanks for your help, Dr. LaValle. We appreciate it.
LaValle
Anytime, gentlemen. [looking at Deuterium Boy] Really.
Deuterium Boy
Great... well, we'll see you.
Hydrogen Guy
Dr. LaValle.
She walked the three superheroes to the door, then shut it behind them. She leaned against the door and sighed.
LaValle
Aloof, Miranda. Remember, stay aloof...
But dammit, in that orange shirt and red shorts, it was hard not to throw herself at him. Something about the man called Deuterium Boy made her feel like the needy heroine of a bad romance novel.
She pulled herself together and went back to look at the large, partially charred crayfish sitting on the lab bench. She busied herself collecting dissection equipment, chemical solvents, and a spare lab notebook. I should have one of those dictaphones that the coroners in TV shows use, she thought, smirking. She pulled a smock over her head, grabbed a scalpel and started in on the crayfish.
There was a sudden thump and a dragging noise in the hall outside the lab. Miranda paused.
LaValle
I bet that's the summer students dragging equipment around again... They'll be fine.
There was another thump, and then something banged up against the door to her lab.
LaValle
... On second thought, I'd better see what they're trying to do before they break something.
She put the scalpel down, threw a plastic cover over the crayfish and went to the door. Opening it up, she stepped into the hall.
LaValle
What are you -- OH MY GOD! HELP! DEUTERIUM BOY! EEEEEK!!!
DRAMATIC MUSIC!
Several weeks earlier...
Hans-Raoul looked up from the previous month's collateral losses report at the timid knock at his office door. The door opened his secretary slipped inside. She was young and freckled, her hair piled up in a bun that was continually losing orangey-red strands in proportion to the demands of the job. At the moment the bun looked like it was seconds away from disintegrating all together, and about to take the young woman with it.
Hans-Raoul
Yes, um... Candace?
Secretary
Mr. Galerkin, your... eleven o'clock ap-appointment is here.
Hans-Raoul
Well, send them in.
She nodded, but made no move to leave.
Hans-Raoul
Candace?
Secretary
Mr. Galerkin, I-I think I should c-call security.
Hans-Raoul
Why?
Secretary
They're - they're -
Hans-Raoul
Is Mr. Jones or any of his associates threatening you in anyway?
Secretary
N-no...
Hans-Raoul
Are they being violent or damaging company property? Harassing you? Smoking?
Secretary
N-no, sir, but they're... they're very very weird, Mr. Galerkin!
Hans-Raoul sighed.
Hans-Raoul
Candace... you've been out of business college, what, a year? Two, maybe?
Secretary
A year and a half.
Hans-Raoul
A year and a half, okay. ICBC is your first job in the business world, then?
Secretary
Yes, sir.
Hans-Raoul
I thought so. Candace... I think you'll find that Mr. Jones and his associates are really no more 'weird' or dangerous than anyone you'd meet in any other office in North America. The only difference is that Mr. Jones, and most of the other people I do business with, wear their peculiarities out in the open. They're more honest. And, I think you'll realise when you've had more experience, probably a great deal more normal, than these thousands of people who lie to themselves and others about their real motivations.
Secretary
I... if you say so.
Hans-Raoul
I do. Basically, what I'm saying is get used to it, Candace. Now, you've kept them waiting long enough.
Secretary
Yes, sir.
She took a deep breath and opened the door.
Secretary
Mr. Galerkin will s-see you now.
She stepped back to allow awaiting procession into the office. Dr. Emmanuel Lewis Hawking appeared first, a thin balding scientist dressed in an ink and chemical stained lab coat thrown over a drab and wrinkled suit. He carried a small portfolio. Behind him clanked what looked like a roboticised deep-sea diver's suit; the bubble-headed helmet was filled with slightly murky water, and a large, reddish brown lobster was piloting the robot's controls - the nefarious villain know as the Crustacean, who frequently traveled unseen in human society under the alias of 'Mr. Jones'. Bringing up the rear was a young blond man wearing a padded suit, similar to those worn by police dog trainers or instructors in a self defence class. He carried a thick wooden staff with two heavily padded ends. He was using this to herd a dozen or so large brown and green marbled crayfish, each between a foot and a foot and a half long, that were quickly scuttling along the carpet. Candace jumped back in alarm as they scurried past her, glared at the crayfish-herder for staring at her chest, then quickly left the office, shutting the door behind her.
Hans-Raoul
Crustacean, Dr. Hawking, it's good to see you.
Crustacean
Greetings, Galerkin.
Hawking
It's good of you to see us, Mr. Galerkin.
Hans-Raoul
It's no trouble at all, really. Please, have a seat. I always find our meetings very engaging.
Hawking and the Crustacean sat in the two chairs in front of Hans-Raoul's desk. The Crustacean's groaned under the weight of the mechanical body. Keith, the crayfish herder, looked around for a third chair and, not finding one, slouched against a nearby bookcase. The crayfish milled around on the floor, occasionally snapping at each other, a piece of furniture, or Keith's shoes.
Hans-Raoul
So, how's the new Undersea Lair? Settling in all right?
Hawking
Everything is most satisfactory. We --
Crustacean
Enough of this bantering small talk. Galerkin, I have come to demonstrate my latest triumph, and to demand your assistance.
The Crustacean's voice emanated from a speaker in the chest of the diver's suit. Hans-Raoul's indulging smile did not waver.
Hans-Raoul
You know I'm always eager to help, Crustacean. I gather this has something to do with your little friends here?
Crustacean
Precisely. Hawking, explain the details.
Hawking briefly explained about the self-cloning marmorkrebs, producing a copy of the letter to Nature from the portfolio.
Hawking
We easily obtained a few dozen individuals from an online aquaria supplier. A few modifications were made to the homeostochastic chamber used in the Sea Fiend project, and the crayfish were incubated for a period of several days to enhance their natural abilities.
Had the Crustacean been human, or even had a face, he would have looked smug.
Crustacean
Each of these specimens were infused with some of my own superior DNA.
Hans-Raoul peered between them down at the crayfish on the floor. He looked slightly concerned, in spite of himself.
Hans-Raoul
You mean they all have your intelligence and abilities?
Hawking
Not completely. There are still technological limitations due to the pieced together nature of the chamber.
Keith
Only so much you can do with a converted Frigidaire, dude.
Hawking
Precisely. The crayfish's smaller bodies also limited what was possible to achieve. In addition, the Crustacean and I agreed it would not be altogether wise if we fully reproduced his cognitive and psychic abilities in the creatures just yet.
Hans-Raoul
You didn't want to create anything you might not be able to control, in other words. I agree, that is wise.
Crustacean
Precisely. For a mammal, you can be quite astute at times, Galerkin. The enhanced creatures - whom I call Crayleks - have sufficient intelligence to operate independently, yet not enough to question me as their supreme leader or form inconvenient opinions of their own. We aimed for the intelligence of the average North American TV viewer by selecting additional DNA from a stunningly mediocre example of the species.
All three couldn't help looking at Keith.
Crustacean
Physically, the Crayleks also lack much of my invulnerability. They are still, however, quite powerful... Keith! Demonstrate the Crayleks' physical capabilities!
Keith
You want them to do that pyramid formation trick? Dude, you should see this, they're like cheerleaders. All they need is tits and pom-poms.
Crustacean
No! Use the giant Q-tip.
Keith
Aw Jesus, do I have to?
The Crustacean glared at him.
Crustacean
Shall I restore to Pu Wing Fu her jumper cables?
Keith
NO! Okay, okay... aw, man...
Gingerly, he reached out with the padded staff and thumped one of the crayfish on the back. It squealed in alarm, and in a split second the entire herd was swarming around to help. Seizing the end of the staff in their claws, they tried to wrench it out of Keith's grasp. He clung on to the staff as tightly as he could, and the combined force of the Crayleks yanked him off his feet. He stumbled to the ground, dropping the staff, which the Crayleks took up and began to beat him with it. Others attacked him with their pincers.
Keith
OW! OW! KNOCK IT OFF YOU LITTLE -- OHH JEEZ RIGHT IN THE -- AAARGH!!! CALL'EM OFF! CALL'EM OFF!!
Hans-Raoul
Uh... oooh... Yes, they do seem quite capable...
Crustacean
I do so enjoy this demonstration.
Hans-Raoul
Um... maybe you should call them off, your assistant is starting to bleed on the carpeting...
Crustacean
Very well.
Quite suddenly the Crayleks broke off their attack. They turned and looked expectantly at the Crustacean as Keith pulled himself up on the bookshelf.
Crustacean
They respond readily to a simple telepathic command, but as you can see, they are capable of independent action and collaboration as a group.
Hans-Raoul
Yes, they seem like ideal employees.
Crustacean
They are not yet the unstoppable foot soldiers I require, however.
Hans-Raoul
Ah, I expect this is where the Corporation comes in.
Hawking
Precisely, Mr. Galerkin. The Crustacean wishes to outfit the, uh, Crayleks, with a robotic exoskeleton similar to his own. With conventional rather than telepathic control, of course.
Crustacean
And weaponry. Very advanced weaponry. Something of the calibre used in the Battle Cyborg Bob construction would suffice.
Hans-Raoul
Uh-huh... for each one of them? Is this the entire... herd? Pod? What do you call a bunch of crayfish, anyway?
Crustacean
A murder.
Hawking
That's crows. I believe it's a covey...We currently have twenty-four mature adults, and six others are developing in the chamber. The adults I believe will be ready to produce fertile eggs in about a month.
Hans-Raoul
I see. So we'll say thirty for now... How many robots suits do you want?
Crustacean
How many are you able to provide?
Hans-Raoul
Well... I suppose the short answer is, zero.
Crustacean
What!
Hans-Raoul
We just spent $2 million on the Undersea Lair, I'm afraid as far as major developments go, your budget is tapped until next year. And, to be honest, even if the money was available, CBIDL is still reorganizing after the Battle Cyborg Bob fiasco, so I doubt they'd be able to take on the project this quarter anyways.
Crustacean
That is completely unacceptable!
Hawking
Crustacean, I did discuss with you before that --
Crustacean
Silence, Doctor! Galerkin, I agreed to ally myself with ICBC because I was lead to believe that the corporation was capable of supplying me with the resources necessary to accomplish my goals. Instead I have received a continual litany of budget constraints and your own mismanagement!
Hans-Raoul
With all due respect, Crustacean, that is completely off base. The Corporation has been very accommodating to you. We built you a state of the art Undersea Lair in a prime location. We've continued to fund your and Dr. Hawking's research, even though the only results we've seen is a covey of crayfish and an amphibious guest host. I do my very best to accommodate your often outlandish funding requests. You even owe your current good health to the Corporation. I think your criticism is completely unwarranted.
Crustacean
You -- ! ... I apologize for my outburst, Galerkin. You are completely correct.
Keith lost his grip on the bookshelf and fell noisily on the floor. Dr. Hawking stared at the Crustacean in amazement, and even Hans-Raoul could not avoid an expression of mild surprise.
Hans-Raoul
... Don't worry about it. I'm sorry if I came across unnecessarily harsh as well.
Crustacean
I feel every strongly about this project, Galerkin. It has the feel of a great victory, waiting to be unleashed. I am very anxious to see it underway.
Hans-Raoul
Mm-hmm... well...
He sat back in his chair and thought for a moment.
Hans-Raoul
There may be something we can do... In the storage facility on West 72nd we have some old attack droids left over from one of the Black Rose and Terrier Ironcore's campaigns in the eighties. They've been gathering dust, powered down for almost twenty years, but they're still functional. They're built like small tanks, basically. Upgrading and converting them would cost only a small fraction of the price of two dozen new robot suits.
Crustacean
What are their limitations?
Hans-Raoul
They'll need new on-board computers... computing services could probably pack a few high end PC's worth of processing power inside, set them up like a mobile Beowulf cluster... The weapons are pretty good, I think, though it would be easy enough to punch them up a bit... Ah, I guess the biggest limitation would be their mobility.
Hawking
Mobility? How so?
Hans-Raoul
They're not exactly "off-road vehicles". Stairs would be right out. So would anything bumpier than a grocery store parking lot.
Keith
What are these things, robot shopping carts?
Hans-Raoul
It's an era many of us in the Corporation would prefer to forget.
Hawking
What about a centralized teleportation system?
Hans-Raoul
Have you got one?
Hawking
The trade ship that Pu Wing Fu used to escape the Tonarzi was equipped with one. It features a central device capable of teleporting small remote units over distances of tens of kilometres. The remote units are essential just remote communication devices that would be simple enough to synthesize. Equipping the droids with them would give them a limited teleporting capability that should overcome some of their mobility issues over longer distances.
Crustacean
That is an acceptable solution. Galerkin, we will travel to see these droids immediately. If you can spare some technical personnel, Hawking will take charge of the conversions.
Hans-Raoul
All right, then. That can be done. I have another meeting in a half hour so I can't go down there with you, but I'll call the manager, Paul, and tell him you're coming.
Crustacean
Excellent.
The diver suit stood up and headed for the door.
Crustacean
Hawking, we leave immediately. Keith, return with the Crayleks to the Lair.
Keith
Are you guys taking the car?
Crustacean
Of course we are taking the car.
Keith
How am I suppose to get these little shits back to the Lair, then? Take the bus?
Crustacean
Of course not. You will arrange for a cab.
Hans-Raoul
I'll call the motor pool for a driver.
Keith
Thanks, dude. C'mon, boys, let's got. Hyah! Move along!
He herds the Crayleks out the door after the Crustacean.
Hans-Raoul
Dr, Hawking...
Hawking
Yes?
Hans-Raoul
Is the Crustacean... all right? He seems so... lucid. For heaven's sake, he actually apologized to me. Next thing you know, he'll actually be saying hello and good-bye, maybe eve asking how I'm doing. What happened?
Hawking
Well... I'm not altogether sure. He's been like this for almost three months now. He was quite depressed, you know, for some time after the failure of the Sea Fiend. Then he saw this letter in Nature, and that seemed to motivate him anew. He's assembled a list of goals he wants accomplished with these Crayleks. He showed them to me... revenge against the Balabanian Circle, and Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, of course... he seems to have given up on the idea of world domination for the moment.
Hans-Raoul
Oh. Is that good or bad?
Hawking
I'm not sure... but there seems to be something else that's driving him, now, beyond the desire for power or revenge... I haven't been able to figure it out yet, though I have tried...
Hans-Raoul
Mm-hm... keep me posted, will you? If you can.
Hawking
Of course. Thanks for all your efforts, Mr. Galerkin.
Crustacean
Hawking! Enough delaying!
Hawking
I know he does appreciate them.
Hans-Raoul smiled in amusement as Hawking gripped his hand earnestly, and slipped out of the office. He closed the door behind him and turned back to his desk.
There was a tap on the door. Without waiting for an answer, it opened and his secretary appeared.
Secretary
Mr. Galerkin...
Hans-Raoul
Candace?
Secretary
... I've decided I'm asking for a transfer. Back to the claims office, or... something. I'm really sorry.
Hans-Raoul sighed.
The present...
Hydrogen Guy sipped his hot chocolate and scribbled on the notepad in front of him. Deuterium Boy sat across the table from him, rolling a half full bottle of carbonated heavy water thoughtfully back and forth. They were at the Django Djava, one of Maple Ridge's best known coffee shops.
Hydrogen Guy
DB, I can't remember a time recently when we've come up against so many dead ends. The Flakers are impossible to trace - you'd think that somebody would have seen two giant fire plugs rolling through the city. It's almost a sure bet that it's the Crustacean who's stocking these things with crayfish clones and sending them out to wreak havoc, but we can't find shell nor antenna of him. His apartment's vacated and even Keith's roommate says he hasn't seen him for over a month. Chuck's gone over the remains of the Flakers top to bottom, and aside from an ICBC logo stamped on the side of one of the casings, he has no idea where any of them came from. Even your little friend Miranda isn't answering her phone.
Deuterium Boy
Will you please stop calling her that?
Hydrogen Guy
C'mon, DB, she wants to get into your tights. It's really sad.
Deuterium Boy
If you know anyone else who's an expert on marine invertebrates, please, call them.
Hydrogen Guy
As you wish... anyways, other than roughing up random ICBC employees, I'm stymied what we should do next.
Carl
If I may make a suggestion, gentlemen...
As usual, Carl, the owner of the Django Djava, had seemed to simply appear next to their table without even displacing a single air molecule. It did not speak well of their ability to trace the crayfish-droids, Hydrogen Guy thought irksomely, if they couldn't detect the passage of a café owner.
Deuterium Boy
Carl!
Hydrogen Guy
Carl, you know that your input is always valuable.
Carl
While dealing with the aftermath of the fire, I have, unfortunately, had much time to reflect on the nature and origins of this attack. Ah! My nerves, my nerves may never recover from the shock, you know.
Hydrogen Guy
Be strong, Carl.
Carl
Always, my friend. It occurred to me, while in my melancholy study, that perhaps these demonic machines were, in fact, searching for you; knowing that you frequent the many fine purveyors of gourmet beverages and desserts in the city, it no doubt occurred to whatever Napolean of Crime has orchestrated these attacks that, if his diabolical minions targeted the city's cafés and coffee houses, then they would be sure to find you eventually, in the meantime, sending a decisive message to yourselves and the local law enforcement agencies.
Deuterium Boy
You mean, if we keep hanging around coffee shops, they'll probably come back and try again.
Carl
Such I imagined in my pessimistic frame of mind, while filling out an insurance claim.
Hydrogen Guy
There's definitely something in that... It's a capital suggestion, Carl. Well done.
Carl
Thank you. Now, in the spirit of that suggestion, I would appreciate it if, until the matter has been resolved satisfactorily, if you could remain a minimum of five hundred meters from the Django Djava at all times.
Hydrogen Guy
Carl!
Carl
I beg of you.
Hydrogen Guy
Carl, I am deeply offended.
Carl
Hydrogen Guy... Deuterium Boy... you are two of my very best customers. The cachet alone that you provide is simply incalculable. You must know, I respect you as I respect my own brothers. But my brothers are drunks, and I would not let them in here either.
Hydrogen Guy sighed heavily.
Carl
It is for the public good... for the good of my employees... the good of my health... Deuterium Boy, I appeal to you. I am not sure my nerves would survive a second round of insurance claims...
Deuterium Boy
All right, Carl. I'll make you a deal... Is there any place in particular you want us to go instead of Django Djava?
Carl
My friend, I am not an uncharitable man, but should the Starbucks in Municipal Square suffer a conflagration similar to my other store, I would feel very little remorse.
Deuterium Boy
Okay. We'll go to the Starbucks in Municipal Square until this case is finished, on the condition that when we come back, you give us free drinks for an entire weekend.
Carl
That is blackmail.
Hydrogen Guy
It's entirely reasonable. My honour will be satisfied by no less!
Carl
The amount that the two of you consume, it is out of the question. I would be forced to let one of my baristas go.
Deuterium Boy
All right, free drinks for one day.
Carl
Aye-aye-aye... It is too long that you have spent in the company of villains and cut-throats. You would steal the bread from my aged mother's lips!
Hydrogen Guy
Your mother owns a condominium complex in Florida. Very well, Carl, we stay.
Carl
But... Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, you are putting me in such an awkward position...
Deuterium Boy
Okay - our final offer. One free drink each, any size, and you have to get me a case of Carffee.
Carl
... the position of a man who has dropped his soap in a bad prison movie!
Hydrogen Guy
Carl, drop the dramatics. Take it or leave it.
Carl
Ahhh... very well. Te aves yertime mander tai te yertil tut o Del...
Hydrogen Guy
Okay, then... and if you just compared us to goats in anyway, the deal is off.
He downed his tepid hot chocolate and they gathered up their things to leave. Carl continued muttering in both English and Romany as they headed out the door.
The Django Djava was a basement café. Carl would place a few tables on the sidewalk on nice days - which, admittedly, are rare on the Canada's Wet Coast - but for the most part, the place was entirely underground. This added to the charm for many.
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy squinted at the daylight as they ascended the stairs to street level.
Hydrogen Guy
Poor Carl. I do sympathize, I mean as good customers as we are, I suppose we are a bit of a liability...
Deuterium Boy
I think he might have been on to something with his idea about the coffee shops, though. If it is the Crustacean behind these Flakers, he's shown himself to be almost eerily competent for a change. That he would take advantage of our habits would...
He trailed off as they emerged onto the sidewalk. The sidewalk was occupied by five attack droids, each training their flame cannons directly at the Django Djava.
Deuterium Boy
Looks like Carl didn't throw us out soon enough...
Head Craylek>Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy... Prepare for extermination!
Miranda LaValle awoke surrounded by pillows. It was not entirely what she had been expecting.
She sat up in alarm. She was, indeed, lying in a nest-like bed of red, blue, gold and green velvet pillows. This was set in the centre of an opulent room decorated by someone who had taken their enthusiasm for the old Sinbad the Sailor movies to entirely inappropriate levels.
What was worse, she was wearing what appeared to be a gold lamé bikini.
LaValle
Oh my god... what the hell is going on here... AAAAAAAAH!!!!!
A furry black and white head emerged from behind one of the room's many Oriental screens. A panda bear hopped into the main room, dressed like an oversized, furry genie or harem girl.
Pu Wing Fu
Oh, hello! You're awake!
LaValle
AAAAAAAAH!!!
Pu Wing Fu
My name's Pu Wing Fu! I get to be your paw-maid! We'll have LOTS of fun together!
LaValle
AAAAAAAAH!!!
Pu Wing Fu
Boy, you sure scream a lot.
LaValle
Where am I?! Did you bring me here?! How did I get in these clothes?!
Pu Wing Fu
Do you like them? I didn't think they had enough pockets, 'cause without pockets or fur, it's hard to conceal weapons. But then the Crustacean said that was part of the point. Though I think he just wanted you to show off your cleavage.
Miranda crossed her arms over her chest.
LaValle
WHO is the Crustacean? Where am I?
Pu Wing Fu
You're in the Undersea Lair. This is your new home! Forever and ever or until you die. Whichever comes first. Probably death, I dunno, you look kind soft and squishy to me.
LaValle
I can't believe this is happening... What do you and this... Crustacean want with me?
Pu Wing Fu
The Crustacean won't tell me. Apparently it's a secret. What I want is to play Olympic beach volleyball, but they don't allow pandas. Die, racist bastards, die!
LaValle
This is bad... this can't be happening... it's all a dream, in a minute I'm going to wake up and find out I fell asleep on my desk next to an open jar of formaldehyde again...
Pu Wing Fu
Oooh, formaldehyde's fun! I keep all my best friends in formaldehyde! Well, until the Crustacean makes me bury them...
LaValle
I'm going to start screaming again...
Pu Wing Fu
Yay! We'll both scream! KYIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEE!!!!!
A buzzer sounded somewhere behind her. Pu Wing Fu stopped making noise and looked disappointed.
Pu Wing Fu
Poop. That's the signal for me to scram. The Crustacean wants to see you.
LaValle
Oh God...
Pu Wing Fu
Bye, pretty lady! I'll see you soon if you live!
She bounced back behind the screen. There was the sound of a bolt being drawn back and a door being opened and closed. Then the bolt slid back into place.
Miranda sat paralyzed in her nest of pillows. She knew she should do something, but she was too scared and disoriented to think clearly...
Suddenly, a machine whirred to life somewhere behind the walls. The wall directly in front of her, which she just noticed was curved inwards, began to rise. She realized she was looking into a giant aquarium, similar to those back at the Vancouver Aquarium where she worked. An eerie greenish light filtered through the water from somewhere above. The aquarium had a white gravel bottom, and was decorated with rocks, sea plants, an imitation coral reef, and a life-sized statue of a diver in the back ground. A few tropical fish flitted back and forth, and an oversized lobster sat in the centre of the tank. It seemed like it was watching her.
At first Miranda peered at the diver statue, thinking it was her obviously eccentric captor, but it showed no signs of life. She scanned the tank, then the rest of the room, for signs of a camera or some other surveillance device.
LaValle
Hello?
But there was no one but her, the fish, and the lobster. Finally her eyes settled on the lobster. It was strange because it had the bright red colouring that lobsters usually only assumed after they'd been cooked, but otherwise there was something vaguely familiar about it...
LaValle
Admiral Pete?
Crustacean
Hello, Dr. LaValle. Miranda. It seems we are together again... at last.
A Damsel in Distress!
What could this nefarious aquatic fiend possibly want with Dr. Miranda LaValle? Since when has the Crustacean had a Princess Leia fetish? And can Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy escaped the dreaded Crayleks without destroying the Django Djava? Find out in the Thrilling Conclusion of...
Same Hydrogen Time... Same Hydrogen Website!