... from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Part III

Previously: A rash of Fakey-Looking Killer Robot attacks has left the leaders of the Balabanian Circle gang dead, Doug's physical body a melted puddle of rubber, and one of the Diatomic Duo's favourite coffee shops destroyed. Discovering that the "robots" were actually piloted by over-sized crayfish, Chuck War and the Covalent Crusaders consulted local marine invertebrate expert Dr. Miranda LaValle - who harbours a secret passion for Deuterium Boy - who informed them that the crayfish were the self-cloning species known as "Marmorkrebs". The attacks are the work of none other but a mysteriously competent Crustacean, who has moulded the Marmorkrebs into his personal storm troopers, the Crayleks. Now the Crustacean has kidnapped Miranda LaValle for some nefarious purpose, while Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy have been corned by his mechanical minions!

In front of the Django Djava Café - purveyors of over 30 blends of coffee, 35 varieties of tea and tisane, and no less than six distinct styles of hot chocolate - Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are confronted by what appears to be a menacing band of cannon-wielding fire hydrants!

Crayleks (all)
Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

Hydrogen Guy
Whoa, whoa, whoa! People, please! There's obviously been some misunderstanding here --

Craylek #1
We are not people. We are Crayleks.

Craylek #2
We are the superior beings.

Craylek #3
The misunderstanding is yours, hu-mon, if you believe you will not be exterminated!

Crayleks (all)
Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

The low-budget menaces continued to advance. Any further, Hydrogen Guy noted, and they would be pushed down the stairs back into the coffee shop.

Deuterium Boy
Single minded buggers, aren't they?

Hydrogen Guy
We have to lead them away from the Django Djava, DB! Atomic Sprint!

Deuterium Boy
Right, HG!

Exerting their Elemental fields to mimic the speed of hydrogen and deuterium molecules, the Diatomic Duo burst through the line of Crayleks closing in on them. A fraction of a second later, they appear, panting heavily, on the other side of the street.

Craylek #4
Exterminate! Extermin- What the hell?

Craylek #5
They have teleported!

Craylek #3
No! They have utilised a burst of high velocity. The targets must be re-acquired!

Hydrogen Guy
Hey, Robopunks! Over here! Nyah nyah!

Craylek #2
Initiate pursuit!

Craylek #1
Exterminate! Exterminate!

The Crayleks spin around and start wheeling after them. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy watch in amusement as they awkwardly negotiate the curb, then attempt to navigate mid-day traffic. Maple Ridgeans are not patient with slow-moving jaywalkers, even mechanical ones.

HONNNK!

Craylek #1
Hey buddy! We're crossing, here!

BEEP BEEP!

Craylek #2
Exterminate! Exter-- Hey! Watch it, lady!

HONNNK HONNNK!

Irate Driver
Hey assholes, use the crosswalk like everyone else!

Craylek #3
Up yours, hu-mon!

Deuterium Boy
Uh, HG... isn't preventing traffic hazards part of the whole "protecting the city" thing we do?

Hydrogen Guy
I know, I know, but if anyone's going fast enough along this street to hurt themselves hitting a Craylek, they deserve it.

Deuterium Boy
Can you imagine the carnage if the cops had that attitude?

Hydrogen Guy
But think of the benefits to the gene pool! They're getting in firing range, we'd better start running. Remember, we don't want to lose them, they'll just go back to Django Djava! Lead them someplace we can take them out without anyone getting hurt.

Deuterium Boy
Got it, HG.

They take off down a nearby alley at non-atomic speed.

Craylek #1
They are attempting to escape!

Craylek #3
Pursue them!

Craylek #2
They will never escape! We are the superior beings!

Crayleks (all)
Exterminate! Exterminate!

Craylek #2
Oh shit, another curb...

Craylek #5
Maybe we should have brought a ramp.

Miranda LaValle - marine biologist, curator of the Vancouver Aquarium's invertebrates collection, and self-acknowledged Deuterium Avenger fan-girl - sat with her arms crossed on a stack of pillows, facing a wall-sized aquarium of some sort. Her arms were crossed because she was wearing a red and gold satin bikini that left her feeling rather, um, exposed, particularly considering she had no idea where she was or how she got there. She felt that she might be about to get some answers from the large lobster that had apparently just spoken to her. Which she felt much more like accepting, since she had just met a talking panda bear.

LaValle
Am I dreaming?

Crustacean
No, Miranda. All that you see and feel are real.

His voice emanated from speakers on either side of the aquarium.

Crustacean
I apologise for the rather sudden method of bringing you here, but I saw no other way of persuading you to come. It was also necessary, for the Crayleks' sake, that I recover the body of Unit 22. It is odd, how they have developed a sentimentality over the mortal remains of their sisters, an impulse I have never felt. Likewise, I do not dream when I sleep - I wonder if they do - but, being familiar with the concept, I can imagine how the sudden strangeness of your surroundings could persuade you that you were dreaming.

Miranda tried to wrap her mind around the Crustacean's rambling speech and failed.

LaValle
What do you want with me?

Crustacean
Ah... is it not clear to you, Miranda?

LaValle
No. Why don't you tell me? ... I can't believe I'm having a conversation with a lobster...

She thought he looked slightly hurt. Which was ridiculous, she thought, since lobsters can't emote.

Crustacean
You don't recognise me, Miranda? No, of course, you wouldn't. For you've never met me before... the Crustacean. For when I was in your tender care, I was not who I am now... By Pontus, this is complicated...

LaValle
You're... Admiral Pete. The granddaddy lobster the Aquarium had for twenty years before... I gave him to Deuterium Boy.

Now he looked relieved. In one corner of her mind she thought it was funny that she apparently adjusted so quickly to a lobster who could talk, but had problems with a lobster who somehow managed facial expressions.

Crustacean
You do remember... well, that makes it easier... I am called the Crustacean, Miranda. You may call me that for now, I suppose. I was... created, you might say, several years ago, but recently my original body was killed. The simple, ordinary lobster you cared for became my new body, and now it has been altered into a new version of my original, superior lobsteroid form. Do you understand?

LaValle
But... Deuterium Boy... I thought the Crustacean was a villain.

Crustacean
No, no, you mustn't think of me as a villain, Miranda. It is true, I have plotted to wipe out the human race and replace them with my own kind, committing theft, treason, murder, and other felonies with no apparent conscience, but I had the noblest intentions. My heart has always been in the right place.

LaValle
Uh... okay...

Crustacean
The so-called Covalent Crusaders are my sworn enemies, but only because they fear and despise me, and wish to see me destroyed. They had their own reasons for resurrecting me, which I assure you were not in the least altruistic.

LaValle
Right. So... why does this mean you have to kidnap me and have your panda dress me up like a slave girl?

The Crustacean noisily blew bubbles.

Crustacean
Pu Wing Fu... I put you in her care because she is the only female on my staff. I am truly sorry she felt the need to dress you in that outfit, I assure you I told her to do nothing of the kind... But, er, it does look very nice on you?

LaValle
Thanks, but you haven't answered my question.

Crustacean
Ah... Miranda... this goes back to what I was explaining before... I am most emphatically not the simple creature you called "Admiral Pete", but from it I have... I hesitate to call them memories, but vestigial feelings, of a sort... Though they are not truly my own, I am left with deep impressions of your generosity, your tenderness and affection towards me...

LaValle
I put rubber bands around your claws and hit you with a fly swatter when you tried to mate with the filter unit.

Crustacean
Mm, yes... *ahem* Yes, well...

He looked at her, it seemed, imploringly. Miranda felt a chill in the room.

LaValle
Uh... Crustacean, I... I don't think it'd work out. I mean... you know, the whole kidnapping thing --

Crustacean
Oh. Yes, of course. We got off on the wrong foot, obviously.

LaValle
Yeah, yeah.

Crustacean
Allow me to make it up to you. I will transport the best available chef to the Undersea Lair immediately, and we will have an intimate getting-to-know-each-other dinner. You shall see, when we are both relaxed and feeling more comfortable, we will find this little situation very amusing.

LaValle
Uh, no, no, that's not what I mean, I mean... you're a lobster, I'm a human... we're different species, you know --

Crustacean
My feelings for you are a purely spiritual affection, Miranda. Our physical incompatibility need not be an obstacle. Our minds are shining beacons, each to the other, despite the shells we wear.

LaValle
Look, I'm sure you're a very nice guy --

Crustacean
But.. er... I have done some research into the physical matter. There are techniques that I'm sure can be adapted --

LaValle
NO!

Crustacean
Of course, of course, moving too fast, I apologise... Dinner, what would you like to eat? Italian? There must be no seafood, I must be firm on that point, I'm sure you understand...

LaValle
I don't want to have dinner with you! I want you to let me go!

Crustacean
Oh. I'm sorry. I am making a mess of it, aren't I... I must confess, this is all completely alien to me... I'm a bit nervous.

LaValle You're nervous?

Crustacean
Well, maybe brunch tomorrow, followed by a swim in the arboretum? I'm sure you'll feel better after a good night's sleep.

LaValle
NO! Look, you little creep, I am NOT INTERESTED in you! No dinner, no brunch, no arboretum, no creepy lobster sex with rubber bands! You are going to do NOTHING but give me my clothes back and bring me back to the Aquarium! NOW! You got it?!

The Crustacean stared at her, his beady eyes swaying in the slight current.

Crustacean
I... don't understand.

Miranda sighed.

LaValle
Maybe we should just be friends.

The Crustacean's gaze became steely.

Crustacean
Very well, Dr. LaValle. Clearly you need time to reflect. Consider what is in your own best interest, and perhaps tomorrow you will less contumacious. Do not anger me, Dr. LaValle; I am very dangerous enemy. Good evening!

The light dimmed in the aquarium and the covering wall began to slide back into place.

LaValle
So now what, you tie me to the railroad track and twirl your little black moustache? Hey! Hey! Let me out of here! Hey!

The machine clanked to a stop, sounding very final. She was left shouting at a blank wall.

Leading their Craylek pursuers on a very merry chase indeed, the Diatomic Duo arrive at Maple Ridge's waterfront warehouse district. They stop at the foot of a fire escape, Deuterium Boy looking fresh and invigorated from the brisk jog, and Hydrogen Guy looking like he's just run a marathon in a heavy parka.

Hydrogen Guy
[panting heavily] DB... not gonna make it... tell Kate ... I love her...

Deuterium Boy
Oh, will you pull yourself together. It was eight blocks!

Hydrogen Guy
Blacking out... heart... exploding... owww...

Deuterium Boy
Here's a water bottle, Mr. World-Famous Superhero.

Hydrogen Guy
You... carry a water bottle... ?

Deuterium Boy
It's very important to stay hydrated. Besides, it's enriched heavy water. It's useful for deuterium tricks.

Hydrogen Guy
I can't drink this, it'll kill me! Only you can drink heavy water!

Deuterium Boy
Oh, right. I forgot. Well then, quit your complaining.

Hydrogen Guy
If I keel over from a stroke before the Flakers get me, it'll be all your fault.

Deuterium Boy
My fault, why is it my fault?

Two Crayleks emerge from around the corner of a warehouse, about 200 feet away.

Hydrogen Guy
Damn, here they come... I need a few minutes...

Deuterium Boy
Up the fire escape!

Hydrogen Guy
Unnnhhh....

Craylek #4
Exterminate! Exterminate! ExterminAWW GOD DAMMIT!

Craylek #5
What?! What?!

Craylek #4
Little bastards went up the stairs!!

Craylek #5
Son of a -- there they are! On top of that structure!

Craylek #4
HEY! Get down here and fight like a superior being, you little cocksuckers! Think you're so goddamn bad-ass 'cause you got a flight of stairs to protect you? Don't MAKE me get out of this droid, monkey!!

Craylek #5
Yo, chill, Unit 13. Don't lose your cool.

Craylek #4
Lose my cool? Lose my cool! These parent-violators lead us halfway across town, over every goddamn curb from here to Haney, then they go up these parent-violatin' stairs! I'm ready to crawl up their and go crabshit on their asses. Some days just shouting "Exterminate" just doesn't cut it, you know? You gotta represent.

As Craylek #4 lays it down for his companion, the other three Crayleks emerge from the other direction.

Craylek #3
Central reports teleporter is back at full capacity.

Craylek #4
Acknowledged! Monkey burnin' time!

A sparkly yellow special effect surrounds Crayleks #4 and #5 and they teleport away. Meanwhile, on the warehouse roof.

Hydrogen Guy
Craylek's got a potty mouth.

Deuterium Boy
Are you feeling better?

Hydrogen Guy
My lungs and my stomach have swapped back into their normal positions, I think... What are our friends down there doing, anyway?

Deuterium Boy cautiously peers over the edge of the roof.

Deuterium Boy
I see three of them.. they're spreading out, like they're surrounding the warehouse...

Deuterium Boy
HG, they're trying to burn down the warehouse!

Suddenly, the other two Crayleks teleported into their midst!

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost!

Craylek #4
Exterminate, parent-violators!

Hydrogen Guy dived to avoid a pair of missiles. He hit the roof and rolled, barely stopping himself before he toppled off the edge. Below, the other three Crayleks were beginning to have some success as they sprayed the walls of the warehouse with their flame cannons.

Hydrogen Guy
DB, what's in this warehouse?!

Deuterium Boy
With our luck, probably jet fuel!

Hydrogen Guy looked up to find the Craylek looming over him. A compartment in the front of the droid sprang open, revealing a deadly rotating saw!

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah. Nice touch.

He rolled backwards off the edge of the roof, forcing himself to float. He spun himself upright, grabbed the Craylek's cannon and flipped himself back onto the roof behind the Craylek.

Craylek #4
HEY!

Hydrogen Guy
OW! Hot!

The angry Craylek started turning around, but Hydrogen Guy butted his shoulder against the blocky droid and toppled it off the roof.

Craylek #4 [insert Hollywood-standard falling-off-roof scream]

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, buddy, the balcony's reserved for non-toasters only!

He was pleased to see it land on top of another Craylek. The two toppled over, crumpling and splitting apart.

Craylek #4
[censored cursing]

Craylek #1
Critical damage... critical damage... ow, my spleen...

The two damaged Crayleks were surrounded by the sparkly teleporting effect and vanished.

Hydrogen Guy
Hey... wait a minute... ! DB, keep the other one busy for a minute!

Hydrogen Guy dug into one of the seemingly endless compartments on his Useful Things belt and pulled out a pair of Magnetic Hydrogen Mines. These were gadgets that he and Chuck War had cooked up especially for the Fakey-Looking Killer Robots. Attached to a powerful magnet was a puck-shaped tin containing a particular mixture of chemicals. Under ordinary conditions the mixture was stable, but should Hydrogen Guy use his powers to snap a few hydrogen-nitrogen bonds, it would trigger a powerful explosion.

Hydrogen Guy dashed around the roof to where the remaining Crayleks were spraying the building with flame. He tossed a mine at each of them. One triggered the mine with its own jet of flame; the mine exploded a few feet in front of the droid, damaging it heavily. The Craylek shut down its flame-thrower, burbled a few incomprehensible syllables, and then like the other two, teleported away. The second mine stuck directly to the crown of its target. Hydrogen Guy stepped back from the edge of the roof, reached out to the Elemental field and triggered the mine. The puck exploded, ripping the dome of the Craylek apart like an aluminum-foil bag of oven-popped popcorn. Hydrogen Guy saw fragments of crayfish in the debris. The droid spun around uselessly in circles, then simply shut down. It was too damaged to teleport.

Meanwhile, Deuterium Boy was staying one step ahead of the second Craylek to teleport onto the roof.

Craylek #5
Exterminate! Exterminate!

Deuterium Boy
OKAY, we get the point! Gyahh!

He springs out of the way as a jet of flame shoots out from its cannon. Deuterium Boy leapt and dodged its flame and missile attacks as Hydrogen Guy ran around distributing mines and observing the results.

Deuterium Boy
"Keep it busy for a minute"... sure, I'll just let it mangle me a little, that'll kill some time... Hey Dorkanoid!

The Craylek took a run at him, cannon flaming. Just before the flame reached him, Deuterium Boy leaped over it, hopping on the droid's head, and landing behind him. Before the Craylek could turn around, Deuterium Boy climbed up on top of it.

Deuterium Boy
Yee-ha!

Craylek #5
Hey! Idiot hu-mon, get off of there!

Deuterium Boy
Say the magic word!

Craylek #5
Exterminate! Exterminate!

Deuterium Boy
Good guess, but that's not it.

Hydrogen Guy
That's it, DB! Hold him!

Deuterium Boy
HG, what are you doing?

Hydrogen Guy
Keep holding on!

Hydrogen Guy pulled the Ruler of Elendil from its scabbard, and hurled it at the Craylek. It flew end over end through the air like a knife, and plunged dead centre into the Craylek's chest panel.

Craylek #5
BZZFSHZZZ!!! Critical damage! Critical damage!

Hydrogen Guy
Hold on, DB!

Hydrogen Guy sprinted across the roof and leapt on top of the Craylek just as the shimmery teleporting effect was beginning. The effect engulfed Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy, and the Craylek, and a moment later, they were gone.

Dr. Emmanuel Lewis Hawking made an adjustment to the Craylek incubator, then made a note in the incubator's log book. He looked up as the Crustacean stomped into the lab in his robotic exoskeleton. Ignoring Hawking completely, he clanked over to the nearby aquarium entry lock, docked the robot, and in a minute he was scuttling away behind the large model treasure chest.

Hawking carefully put down his pen and went over to the aquarium's comm.-speaker. He flipped it on.

Hawking
Crustacean? Is everything well?

The Crustacean poked his head out from behind the chest.

Crustacean
NO, Hawking, everything is NOT well. It does not concern you. Return to your duties.

Hawking shrugged, and reached out to shut off the speaker. He hesitated.

Hawking
Pu Wing Fu tells me we have a prisoner. Why was I not informed?

Crustacean
It does NOT concern you! Not everything in this Undersea Lair is your personal business. You will cease your interrogation immediately, unless you wish to spend the rest of the day under my own telepathic control!

Hawking
All right, all right. If you wish to discuss it, just let me know.

He flipped off the speaker and returned to the incubators. After studying the dials on the second unit for a minute or so, the speaker switched back on from the other side.

Crustacean
The prisoner is not co-operating with my requests, Doctor.

Hawking
I find that difficult to imagine. Why don't you simply change her mind for her?

Crustacean
That is not an option in this case. She must be a willing participant.

Hawking
I see. Who is she, exactly?

Crustacean
Oh... an invertebrate marine biologist. I mean she is a marine biologist who studies invertebrates, not --

Hawking
Yes, yes, quite.

Crustacean
I thought such a specialist might be invaluable to our project.

Hawking raised an annoyed eyebrow.

Hawking
I would appreciate it if you discussed additions to the scientific staff with me... particularly since, at the moment, I am the scientific staff.

Crustacean
Yes, yes... I will do so in the future, but it was... well, she had the remains of Craylek Unit 22 in her lab, and it was more or less a spur of the moment decision, a whim, if you will...

Hawking
It was, was it?

Crustacean
You know us supervillains, Hawking, capricious as the wind, ha ha...

Hawking
Quite so. But kidnapping? Surely it would have been easier to simply advertise for an invertebrate marine biologist. We could find one who was just as competent as this woman, I'm sure, and who would be willing to work with us, for a reasonable salary. We could afford it.

Crustacean
Hawking, I am tired of you continually questioning my decisions! This is precisely why I didn't inform you, I knew you would raise all of these absurd objections!

Hawking
They are not absurd, and you know that perfectly well. There is no need to carry on like a petulant teenager.

Hawking half expected another enraged outburst, or worse, the icy chill of a telepathic invasion, but the Crustacean merely sulked in the mud. In a moment the speaker was shut off again. Hawking shrugged and mumbled softly to himself.

Hawking
You are a terrible liar, Crustacean...

The door swung open and Keith sauntered into the room.

Keith
Hey, Hawk. I thought you'd be in here. Joey and I are taking the sub up for some munchies, you want anything?

Hawking
Keith, I'm glad you're here.

Keith
Shit, I hate it when you say that.

Hawking
Can you run down to level 2 and fetch me a pyrometer?

Keith
A who the what now?

Hawking
Er... never mind. Stay here and keep an eye on these gauges, will you? If this one -- look here, Keith -- if this gauge rises above 35, adjust this valve here until it drops. Can you do that?

Keith
Yeah, but Joey's waiting in the sub, and --

Hawking
I'll only be a minute. Just watch the gauge, will you?

Keith
Dude, I can't be your gauge-monkey right now, I --

Crustacean
Keith, stay and watch the gauge.

Hawking and Keith jumped. Neither were aware the Crustacean had been listening.

Keith
Okay, okay, just stay out of my brain.

Hawking
Thank you. I'll be right back.

Hawking hurried out. Keith, ignoring his assigned gauge completely, sauntered over to the aquarium.

Keith
So... Nut-Bear tells me you got a little clam-pie holed up in the conference room.

Crustacean
What?! Damn that mammal...

Keith
So how's it going? Thrown'er the lobster club yet?

Crustacean
What?

Keith
Your chick. How's it going with her, I mean? Seriously, dude, I have no idea how'd that even work, but if she's hot, we could make some hard dough selling the pics on the Internet. I got a buddy who knows this guy with a site called GirlsOnGoats.com --

Crustacean
I find your prattling offensive.

Keith
I aim to please.

Crustacean
In truth, my attempts to woo Miranda are not going well. Keith, you will keep this confidential?

Keith
Ooo, Mir-ran-daa...

Crustacean
Keith!

Keith
Yeah, yeah, I'm your man, Crusty. Word is bond, seriously.

Crustacean
Thank you... She appears to resent the fact that the Crayleks brought her here against her will.

Keith
Well, no shit, Sherlock. That's a bit too Dirk Dastardly for most chicks.

Crustacean
I offered her dinner and a tour in the arboretum, both of which she declined. She was most insulting.

Keith
Seriously, she turned down the arboretum? Hmm, I don't know, Crusty. That's pretty serious. Lemme guess, she just wanted to be friends, right?

Crustacean
I am at a loss for my next move... my instincts are to threaten to melt the polar ice caps with an orbital weather control device unless she agrees to have dinner with me, but I suspect Miranda would not find that appealing...

Keith
Sounds damn good to me, actually. Keep it as Plan B... Crusty, you mind if I make a suggestion?

Crustacean
Please. It was my plan to solicit your advice, as a young, virile human male.

Keith
Thank you for noticing! Seriously, you can't do better than me as your guide. The only reason I'm not dripping in honeys at this very moment is that I've decided to concentrate on my career for a while.

Crustacean
Your career?

Keith
Apprentice supervillain... I think you need to start with the basics - have you tried getting her drunk?

Crustacean
Ply her with alcohol, you mean.

Keith
If you try to get anywhere when the chick's sober, you're just wasting your time, trust me. Every women on Earth has a certain level of drunkenness where the only thing preventing her from tearing her panties off and wrapping her legs around your head is a total lack of hand-eye coordination.

Crustacean
I had no idea human females were so --

Keith
Pent up? Totally. I know a lot of guys are down on women's lib, but really, letting them act like men just makes them hornier. Why do you think so many feminists are dykes? I mean, think about it. It just gets so they can't control themselves, and they start boning other women. But most of them keep it under control, until you get a bottle of wine or a few shooters in 'em. Then they're like red hot putty in your hands. Or in your case, claws.

Crustacean
You intrigue me. Perhaps I shall I send a bottle of wine to her quarters.

Keith
That's a good start. Tequila would be faster. Or you know what, better yet, just smoke up some bud with her. She'll get so mellow she'll be like, "Kidnapping? Whatever. Just nail me to the carpet!" Chances are you'll get her bra off before she even notices.

Crustacean
Physical intercourse is not my primary objective at this point. I merely wish to win her affection.

Keith
Sure, sure. In that case, send her flowers, too. That shows you care. Before and after. Of course, if you change your mind when you sober up, just skip the after flowers.

Crustacean
Keith, you have justified my decision to let you live.

Keith
Happy to help, Crusty.

Hawking jogged back into the room, carrying a black cylinder.

Hawking
Sorry I took so long -- Keith! You didn't watch the gauge!

Keith
Sorry, Hawk. I was just having a little mano a mano with my man Crusty here.

Hawking
There is no harm done, the levels remained steady, thankfully, however --

Suddenly the room shook, and there was a roll of what sounded like thunder from somewhere in the Undersea Lair. Alarms started wailing out in the hall.

Keith
The hell?

Crustacean
We are under attack!

Hawking
It sounded like it came from the teleportation centre...

Crustacean
I shall meet you in the control room.

Hawking fled the room, and the Crustacean swam off. The lab aquarium was one of many interconnected aquaria throughout the Lair.

Keith
Shit, at this rate I'm never going to get corn chips...

Hydrogen Guy
DB, you okay?

Deuterium Boy
Ohhh, my head...

Hydrogen Guy
Sorry, I didn't know the dome opened that way.

Deuterium Boy
HG, the first time wasn't your fault... But why didn't you just hack the thing up right away instead of trying to stuff it back in the droid?

Hydrogen Guy
It grabbed the Ruler! I couldn't shake it off!

Deuterium Boy
Every time it popped back out, the dome hit me in the face again! And then when you were trying to shake the crayfish off the Ruler, you kept hitting against the dome and ramming it back into my face!

Hydrogen Guy
Well, get out of the way next time!

Deuterium Boy
I was trapped between the droid and the wall!

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, okay, obviously that's a scenario we need to train with a little... Has your nose stopped bleeding?

Deuterium Boy
I think so... Ow. It's not broken...

The Diatomic Duo were in the Undersea Lair's teleportation room. It was filled mostly with empty Craylek droids, both the damaged ones that had just recently returned and others, waiting to be sent out. Aside from one recently dispatched Marmorkrebs, the room is free of any actual Crayleks.

Deuterium Boy is leaning against a Craylek droid, squeezing his nose with an orange monogrammed handkerchief. Hydrogen Guy is examining the device behind them.

Hydrogen Guy
This looks like the teleportation device... I think it's Tonarzi, pulled out of a small space-ship or something... Aha, here's the power supply.

He knelt down beside a rectangular unit, like an air conditioner, next to the teleporter.

Hydrogen Guy
Have you got any magnetic mines left? I used mine back at the warehouse.

Deuterium Boy
If you destroy the teleporter, how are we going to get out of here?

Hydrogen Guy
Oh, I think the Crustacean will be good enough to give us a lift.

Deuterium Boy passed him three mines, which Hydrogen Guy set up on the power supply.

Hydrogen Guy
I think this will make an excellent bargaining chip... these are the deuterium ones, right? So you'll have to activate them.

Deuterium Boy
Sure... ooh!

He spotted a pile of plasma rifles stacked next to the Craylek. He picked one up; it was fully charged, and like the teleporter, or Tonarzi manufacture.

Hydrogen Guy
Chuck will be interested to know that the Crustacean's been shopping again.

Deuterium Boy
HG, considering that we're stuck in a hostile base filled with killer robots, and now that you've used our last Hydrogen Mines we're only armed with swords...

Hydrogen Guy
Yes, DB, I think it'll be all right to lift our usual ban on using guns. Just as long as you just use them on the Flakers.

Deuterium Boy
Oh yeah!

He grabbed two plasma rifles and raised them, somewhat awkwardly, one in each hand.

Hydrogen Guy
It's our own personal first person shooter.

Deuterium Boy
We'll definitely have to suggest this level for the next "Hydrogen Cave" game.

Hydrogen Guy
Hopefully the Crustacean's been kind enough to scatter boxes of ammo and health around the place. Pass me one of those, will you, Duke?

They emerged from the teleporter room to find all was quiet. The hall was standard ICBC institutional/secret lair style.

Deuterium Boy
Where to, HG?

Hydrogen Guy
First thing we do is find the Crustacean. Then --

Suddenly, an entire posse of Crayleks appeared at the other end of the hall.

Craylek
Intruders!

Other Craylek
It is the superheroes! Exterminate them!

All Crayleks
Exterminate! Exterminate!

Hydrogen Guy
Great, this again!

They opened fire with the plasma rifles and started running in the opposite direction. The Crayleks returned fire.

Hydrogen Guy
I'm getting tired of all this running!

Deuterium Boy
I'm getting tired of robots chasing us!

They rounded a corner. There were several doors along the corridor. Deuterium Boy ran to one.

Deuterium Boy
HG, in here!

Hydrogen Guy
Good as any. How's it open?

Deuterium Boy pointed his plasma rifle at the nearest control panel and fired. The door started sliding open.

Hydrogen Guy
Well done!

They ducked inside. The sounds of plasma fire behind them were getting closer. Deuterium Boy found the corresponding panel on the other side of the door and pounded on it; after a few whacks he'd evidently hit the right thing, as the door slid shut again.

Deuterium Boy
Phew.

Hydrogen Guy
Now where --

LaValle
Deuterium Boy!

Miranda LaValle leapt from her cushions and tackled Deuterium Boy. She planted him with an extremely passionate kiss.

Deuterium Boy
AHH!

LaValle
How on earth did you find me?

Deuterium Boy
I, uh --

Hydrogen Guy
Elementary, Dr. LaValle --

Deuterium Boy
What are you wearing?

KA-BOOM!!

Hydrogen Guy
DEUTERIUM BOY!

LaValle
What?! What was that?

Hydrogen Guy
That was somebody getting a little over excited and setting off the damn DEUTERIUM MINES before we'd escaped the complex!!

Deuterium Boy
She distracted me!!

LaValle
You find me distracting?

Deuterium Boy
Yes! Especially in that gold boo-BIKINI you're wearing.

Hydrogen Guy
Dr. LaValle, you don't happen to know where we are or how to get out of here, do you?

LaValle
I have no idea. All I know is that we're in some kind of Undersea Lair.

Hydrogen Guy
Undersea -- ? Great Feynman's Ghost! We have to get out of here now before the entire thing floods! DB, open the door!

Deuterium Boy
What about the Crayleks?

Hydrogen Guy
I'm hoping they other things on their minds right now.

Meanwhile in the central control room...

Crustacean
Switchboard! What the kraken is going?!

Switchboard
Jeez! You scare me when you pop up in that bubble all of a sudden, chief. I dunno, I was up in the garage waitin' for Keith when all of a sudden there was this explosion a few levels down!

Big Joe Switchboard studied the instrument panel in front of him. In the centre of the room, the Crustacean sat observing in a water-filled bubble, connected to the rest of the aquarium network. The door to the control room flew open and Hawking, Keith and Pu Wing Fu entered.

Pu Wing Fu
There sure is a lot of water out there!

Switchboard
Holy crow... chief, half the east wing, level four, is just gone. Looks like the teleporter power supply went, but good! I got water comin' in all over.

Hawking
Even the hall outside the control room is starting to flood. Crustacean, we need to evacuate, quickly!

Crustacean
Miranda! I must rescue Miranda and the Crayleks!

Pu Wing Fu
Their last album really, really sucked.

Switchboard
Suit yourself, chief. It's every man for himself!

The Crustacean disappeared down the bubble, while the others rushed out of the control room.

Moments later, Big Joe was loading everyone but the Crustacean into a miniature submarine in the garage.

Pu Wing Fu
Are we going to wait for the Crustacean?

Switchboard
He's got two minutes, that's about it. The water's rushing' in here, and I ain't even opened the locks yet!

Hydrogen Guy
Ah, Joseph!

Switchboard
AHH!

Pu Wing Fu
Hydrogen Guy! KILL!

Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Miranda LaValle entered the garage. The Covalent Crusaders covered the villains with the plasma rifles.

Hydrogen Guy
Settle down, Pu.

Switchboard
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy! You two did this, didn't ya?

Deuterium Boy
Sorry about that.

Switchboard
Why, I'm gonna -- !

Hydrogen Guy
Uh uh, Joe. We're the ones with the guns. And you're all under arrest.

Deuterium Boy
Where's the Crustacean?

Switchboard
I dunno. He said he was goin' after the Crayleks.

There was an ominous creaking above them. It sounded like a great deal of water wanting to get in.

Hydrogen Guy
Curses! We don't have time to go after him... Okay, everyone into the sub.

Switchboard
Hey!

Hydrogen Guy
If it's not big enough, you should have bought a roomier model.

Switchboard
You're gonna pay for this, Hydrogen Guy!

Hydrogen Guy
Still under arrest, Joe. After you, Dr. LaValle. DB, don't stare, it isn't polite...

In the flooded debris of the Undersea Lair, three crayfish squeezed from a collapsed hallway into one of the Lair's aquaria. They were fairly certain they had found the correct location; the last signal received had come from this vicinity. They hurried about their task, scuttling to and fro in the gloom. Though naturally freshwater-dwellers, the infusion of the Crustacean's genes allowed them to breathe in salt-water, albeit with some discomfort.

One of the crayfish signalled that it had found what they were looking for. Together, they moved the iron strut, weighing several orders of magnitude more than the three of them combined, freeing the Crustacean, trapped underneath. He is unconscious, but alive.

They carefully lift him onto their backs, and then scuttle towards their waiting fellows, and safety.

Arthur's Novelty and Party Supply, Maple Ridge, several days later. Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy are in the aisle devoted to Halloween decorations, surrounded by rubber skeletons. There are various sizes, but most are the standard two-foot dangly model. Deuterium Boy has a pile draped over one arm, and Hydrogen Guy is holding them up one by one in front of a blob of charred, melted rubber.

Hydrogen Guy
How about this one?

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Hydrogen Guy
This one?

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Hydrogen Guy
This one...

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Deuterium Boy
Doug, they're all the same! Will you just choose one?

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Hydrogen Guy
Maybe he's looking for one that has Buddha nature.

Blob o' Doug
MU

Hydrogen Guy
Does that mean you like this one?

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Hydrogen Guy
Fine then... this one?

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Hydrogen Guy
How about if we sprayed it with blue glitter?

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Hydrogen Guy
Okay, just checking...

Deuterium Boy
I hope finding a new Usual Coffee Shop is easier than this.

Hydrogen Guy
Especially one that's not owned by Carl. I think he takes in too much of our money as it is. This one?

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Deuterium Boy
Well... other than leaving pile of burned out buildings in its wake, this case didn't turn out that badly. We blew up the Crustacean's new Undersea Lair, collared his whole gang and stopped the Crayleks project.

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, but the little rotter slipped through our fingers again.

Deuterium Boy
Eh, we'll get him next time.

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Hydrogen Guy
Ooh, and don't forget, DB's got a new groupie.

Deuterium Boy
Oh god, don't remind me...

Hydrogen Guy
Y'know, Miranda's not bad looking. And she's nice, in her own self-centred way.

Deuterium Boy
Yeah, hmm, who does she remind me of?

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Deuterium Boy
I'm not in the market for a second girlfriend.

Hydrogen Guy
True enough. Avalia's a far better catch, from what I know of her, anyway.

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Deuterium Boy
You already showed him that one.

Hydrogen Guy
Well, I'm losing track of which ones he's looked at! They all look the same, anyway! All right, Doug, I'm done fooling around. It has to be one of the ones in this pile. I'm not going all the way to the novelty store in Vancouver, either.

Deuterium Boy
By the way, the Fire Department was able to save the warehouse.

Hydrogen Guy
Good, that's one lawsuit we don't have to worry about.

Blob o' Doug
*bleck*

Deuterium Boy
you know what was in it?

Hydrogen Guy
The warehouse?

Deuterium Boy
Yeah.

Hydrogen Guy
I don't know, what? Don't say rubber skeletons.

Deuterium Boy
Fire extinguishers.

Hydrogen Guy
Heh.

Blob o' Doug
*gurgle*

Hydrogen Guy
This one?

Blob o' Doug
*gurgle*

Deuterium Boy
You're sure, now?

New Doug
*gurgle*

Hydrogen Guy
Finally, that's settled... let's pay for this, and go hit Carl up for those free drinks.

And so closes another chapter in our heroes' struggle for Truth, Silliness, and the Canadian Way. It is a never-ending struggle which, like the Master's search for perfect Zen, is its own reward.

Especially when the drinks are on the house.

[ fade to black; roll credits]