Episode 98

...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy

Part I

Jan Fiets, founder and on-again/off-again president of software company Comwiel, stood at a podium in front of a roomful of reporters. He knew many were expecting him to deliver some dire news about Comwiel's financial state, possibly confirm the rumours the company was about to be bought (and subsequently dismantled) by Microsoft. Others were more likely expecting some product announcement or other, or a revelation of grandiose plans that would be scuttled in less than a year before coming to fruition, which had come to be something of Fiets' trademark. Whatever it was, they thought, it was bound to be theatrical and provide some good quotes.

They would not be disappointed.

Fiets held up his hand for silence, then leaned into the microphone.

Fiets
Thank you... Thank you all for coming. First of all, I'd like to make clear that this is not an official Comwiel press conference, so I'm not going to answer any Comwiel questions.

There were several mock groans of disappointment, punctuated by a handful of camera flashes. Fiets smiled good-naturedly at the sea of microphones and cameras. He was tall and somewhat thin, with short dark hair that curled slightly at the ends. He spoke with only a slight trace of a Rotterdam accent.

Uncharacteristically, he seemed a bit nervous at all the attention. There was a running joke that, like Steve Jobs, Jan Fiets emitted a sort of reality distortion field that allowed him to get anyone within the sound of his voice excited about anything, no matter how ludicrous. Now, he looked like he was afraid his "field" might abandon him.

Fiets behind him at glanced at Manny Yu, Comwiel's head of public relations and chief ego-wrangler.

Fiets
You could say this is a more personal matter, although it is inevitable that it will affect Comwiel and its employees.

An inaudible buzz swept over the room. The Globe and Mail mouthed the word 'resignation' to Reuters.

Fiets
I've always believed that whatever a person does, should contribute to society as a whole. We should all strive with whatever natural gifts and abilities we have to make the world a better, safer, and more pleasant place to live for the people we share it with, just as we would want them to do for us...

The Vancouver Sun exchanged a glance with CBC. A scholarship fund?

Fiets
For some of us, those abilities go beyond those of normal people, and so in return, we must give corresponding more, to help those who have less to give. For the last five years, in addition to my work at Comwiel, I've been involved in a project to give back to the world and help others, a project that I've kept from those who know and work with me in my other life, both for my own safety, and for theirs. However, after a long and painful debate with myself, and my partners in this project, I have decided that more good can be accomplished by making my own role in this project public, and taking upon myself the dangers involved in having my secret identity known.

The room had gone completely silent. Fiets lifted a sports bag onto the podium and unzipped it. Reaching inside, he produced a blue cape, a blue skull-cap style helmet sporting a yellow feather, and a forty-centimetre ruler with an ornate handle.

Fiets' words were almost drown out by the clicking of cameras and popping of flash bulbs.

Fiets
I'm Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy sat on the couch, his empty hand raised to his mouth, and a doughnut, chocolate-side down, lying in his lap. Deuterium Boy was wiping Carffee off his face and the coffee table.

On the Hydrogen Cave's wide-screen TV, Jan Fiets continued his press conference. The din of reporters shouting questions was nearly deafening.

Fiets
No, I can't answer that. Deuterium Boy has elected not to go public at this time. All I can tell you is that he isn't anybody connected with Comweil.

Reporter #1
Mr. Fiets, can you offer us any proof that you are actually Hydrogen Guy?

Manny Yu pressed activated the remote he was holding, and the image of an identity card was projected onto a screen behind Fiets. It bore the words "League of Heroes, Canada", a photograph of Hydrogen Guy, and in the space labelled "Secret Identity", the name "Jan Fiets".

Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy! That's your ID card! I mean, that's even your card number!

Hydrogen Guy tossed the doughnut aside and pulled his wallet from his pocket. Flipping it open, his League ID was still in its usual place; it was identical to the card on the television, except that his gave his Secret Identity as "Undisclosed".

Hydrogen Guy
How did he get that? Only the League has that information --

Fiets
...though I know that's not the sort of proof that you were really looking for.

Fiets' grin was more relaxed, even mischievous, as if he was relieved to get the weight of his "secret" off his chest. Closing his eyes, he seemed to concentrate for moment; then his body appeared to dissolve into thin air. A second later, he resolidified on the other side of the room, where he shook hands with a pair of nearby reporters, proving his solidity. Then, closing his eyes again, he dissolved, and then reassembled behind the podium. He smiled broadly.

Fiets
That one takes a lot of effort...

Deuterium Boy
Is he an Elemental? If he's an Elemental, why didn't Doug or N warn us?

The super-secret Hydrogen Phone started ringing somewhere behind them.

Hydrogen Guy
DB?

Deuterium Boy
I'll get it.

A pair of assistants had produced a large pan of water. Fiets held his hand over it; ripples spread across the water, and the image of Comwiel's gear-wheel logo formed on the water's surface. Fiets lowered his hand and the image vanished. He was looking tired.

Fiets
I think that's enough for one day. Questions?

Reporter #2
Mr. Fiets, why did you chose now to --

Reporter #3
Jan, has the League of Heroes --

Deuterium Boy
Sure... yeah, get it out as fast as you can, Mar, don't even spell check it... Good, great... forward everything you have to us... You want to talk -- Right, we'll do that.

Hydrogen Guy
Deuterium Boy! Comwiel Plaza! Now! The conference looks like it'll end soon!

Deuterium Boy
Thanks, Mar. DB out.

He hung up the red phone.

Deuterium Boy
That was the League's publicist. They're issuing statements within the hour.

Hydrogen Guy
Great. DB, to the Hydrogen Ducts! We're crashing the press conference!

They ran into the Duct Room, which was just off the Cave's main room. Deuterium Boy quickly consulted the plan of the Duct system. The network of pressurised, subterranean tubes could literally suck the Diatomic Duo from anywhere, to anywhere in BC's Lower Mainland in minutes. The room was ringed with over a score of circular hatches, each leading to a different main duct.

Deuterium Boy
We wanna take Duct A17 to the Switchpoint, then B34 to the corner of No. 6 Road and Escaladeur. That's a half block from Comwiel Plaza.

Hydrogen Guy
Good work, DB!

He raced to the appropriate hatch and hit the open key. It answered with a rude electronic buzzer, and the hatch stayed shut.

Hydrogen Guy
What the --

Deuterium Boy tapped the map display and called up the Duct's maintenance grid. He shook his head.

Deuterium Boy
Bad news, HG. Both A17 and B34 are closed for maintenance.

Hydrogen Guy
What?!

Maintenance of the Ducts were carried out by small, portable-vacuum-cleaner-sized robots controlled from the Switchpoint.

Hydrogen Guy
Fine. A15 and C23 will get us to Bennett Park, which is about four blocks --

Deuterium Boy
C23's closed, too... in fact... every Hydrogen Duct that opens within a kilometre of Comwiel Plaza is closed.

Hydrogen Guy
That shouldn't be possible.

Deuterium Boy
It's ten in the morning on a weekday, that's the peak maintenance hour. Bad luck.

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost... to the Tritium Truck!

Deuterium Boy
Demolished by Crayleks, remember? We'll take my car.

Hydrogen Guy
We'll never get there in time... Dammit! But we have to try. Let's go, DB.

The Iraqi Desert...

Chuck War crouched under the holographic equivalent of a duck blind with his Argon Blast Cannon resting across his knees. Right in front of him, two decoys dressed as Iraqi army officers waited for a contact to arrive who had promised to sell them a half kilo of antimatter. Despite the fact that the decoys were less than six feet away, Chuck and his partner were completely invisible to both them and any one else who happened to be watching.

Rhino Cannon sat next to him, scanning the horizon with a pair of binoculars. He lowered them and rubbed his neck.

Rhino
I thought this guy was supposed to be punctual.

Chuck War
He is, for a Trebrehk'narf. But then all that means is that he has a sense of time other than geological... Something wrong with your neck?

Rhino
I've been stiff since I hit that robot in Sofia. I gotta remember to check my angle next time I take a run at something that hard.

Chuck War
Get Phil to give you a neck massage, maybe.

Rhino
Yeah, but then I'll start hurting everywhere else.

Chuck felt his cell phone vibrate. He flicked a button on his belt.

Chuck War
War.

Lola
I'm switching to recipes.

Chuck War
Lola?

Lola
The biggest freakin' superhero story of the year, hell! Of the decade, in this town, and who gets the scoop? Denny, the freaking tech reporter! Denny! I got scooped by a three-hundred pound guy who dresses up in a home-made stormtrooper outfit at sci-fi conventions!

Chuck War
Baby, you're not making any sense.

Rhino was signalling for his attention. A creature was rising out of the sand in front of the "Iraqis". It looked something like a giant grub, the same colour as the sand, with six prehensile appendages. Its head was like a cross between a mole's and housefly's. Roger and Shimo were babbling and gesturing at it, while it gestured back.

Chuck cupped his hand over the phone.

Chuck War
Rhino, wait till you see the package... Lola? Babe, I'm right in the middle of --

Lola
Jan Fiets held a press conference to announce he was Hydrogen Guy, and I missed it. The paper sent Denny Freakin' Tremolo --

Chuck War
He what?

Rhino shushed him.

Lola
I'm supposed to be covering the tights beat, I'm dating practically his best friend, and I can barely get a freakin' interview with him! I can't even get through to the Cave. I don't know, maybe editing the recipes page is still too complex for me, maybe I'll try doing the classifieds or the Editorial page or something really brainless --

Chuck War
Sugar, back up a minute. Jan Fiets, the software guy, announced that he was Hydrogen Guy?

Rhino
Damn ...

Rhino had his binoculars trained on the horizon past where the negotiations were taking place. An armoured vehicle had appeared over the rise and was heading their way.

Rhino
Chuck, we got company --

Chuck War
Just a sec, Rhino... Lola, look, I don't know what this guy is saying, but Jan Fiets is not Hydrogen Guy.

Lola
Would you actually tell me if he was?

Chuck War
Honestly? Yes, if he'd announced it at a press conference. And before you ask, no, I won't tell you who he really is until that happens.

Lola
You're sure, you swear on your mother's grave that Jan Fiets is not Hydrogen Guy?

Rhino
Chuck, get off the phone, the Yankees are coming!

Chuck War
Yes, I swear! Lola, I gotta go. I'll be back in town for dinner tonight, promise.

Lola
Wait, Chuck --

Chuck War
Loveyoubye! Rhino --

A shell screeched over their heads. The alien dove back under the sand; Shimo grabbed its tail as it was disappearing out of sight and tried to yank it back to the surface. Roger jumped back under the holo-blind.

Roger
What are you doing?! Why didn't you arrest him?!

Rhino
He hadn't produced the antimatter yet, that's why!

Shimo
I got him! Roger, Rhino, I got him! AHH!

Rhino
SHIMO!

Shimo disappeared under the sand. The others took cover as another shell tore past them, this one exploding close enough to send sand raining down on them.

Roger
So, fearless leader, stay here and get blown to smithereens, or run for it and reveal ourselves?

Chuck grimaced. This was turning out to be one of those days.

Is he or isn't he? That's the question on everyone's minds tonight as Comwiel founder and president Jan Fiets announces he's Hydrogen Guy, and the League of Heroes says, no he isn't.

Good evening, I'm Wendy Morsels. In a dramatic press conference this morning, Jan Fiets, the often-embattled president and CEO of local software corporation Comwiel, made the announcement that for the past five years, he has been fighting crime in Maple Ridge and around the world as Hydrogen Guy. Fiets wowed viewers around North America by evaporating in front of reporters and manipulating a pan of water to display the Comwiel logo. However, less than an hour later, spokesmen for the League of Heroes, local 441, and the Diatomic Duo, Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, denied Fiets' claims.

But when asked whether the ID card displayed by Fiets at the earlier conference actually belonged to Hydrogen Guy or not, League of Heroes publicist Mar Miller said simply, "No comment".

Hydrogen Guy's superhero colleagues were themselves divided on the issue. Shortly after Fiets' announcement, Lola Lakefront-Property, reporter for the Maple Ridge Gazette had this to say:

"I've known Hydrogen Guy for a number of years, and I can tell you, no, Mr. Fiets is not Hydrogen Guy. And this has been confirmed for me by sources very close to the man himself."

[off-camera voice] "Chuck War?"

"No comment."

[off-camera voice #2] "Who is Hydrogen Guy?"

"If I knew that, I would've printed it years ago."

Yolanda St. Claire, who works closely with Hydrogen Guy as Helium Girl, made this statement while on holiday in Greece:

"Jan Fiets? Jan Fiets? Like, ohymygod, you have no idea how, like, hilarious that is. Like, okay, I dated Jan for a little while a few years ago? And the only world where Jan Fiets is a superhero is, like, in his own mind, you know? My God... no, he is so totally not Hydrogen Guy."

Back in B.C., though, fellow member of the League of Heroes (local 441) Gen X Man had this to say:

"Yeah, I'm proud of Jan, actually, for coming out and just saying it. Getting it right out, you know, regardless of what people say. I mean, I know that a lot of people are going to come out and say, no he isn't, and there was a lot of disagreement within the community about his decision to come out. But Jan, HG, I'm right behind you, man. Jan Fiets, Hydrogen Guy. Rock on!"

But so far, Gen X Man is in the minority among superheroes, with most either flatly denying Fiets' claims or declining comment. Members of the public are more divided.

"Yeah, I can see it, you know. I always thought there was something... you know, out there about him? From what I've seen in the news and so on... Yeah, I'd believe it."

"I believe him. I mean, he's only putting himself in danger by saying that he is, why would he do that if he's not? I think this thing where the League or whatever is denying it is just a lot of politics. I say good for him."

"No way. Hydrogen Guy's in the coffee shop where my son works all the time, he says it's not him."

"Well, like, he did those demonstrations of his powers. They seemed pretty real to me... I don't know, yeah, I think so."

Fiets' "demonstrations" seem to be the strongest argument for many people in favour of his claims. Noted paranormal debunker Phil Fetzer, speaking to a radio call-in show this morning, had this to say:

"Well first of all, the fact that Fiets seemed to disappear off stage, reappear at the back of the room, and then disappear and reappear on stage again, shouldn't convince anybody in this day and age. Stage magicians have been making themselves disappear and reappear for decades, some a lot more convincingly than Fiets did - who was an amateur conjurer when he was in university, by the way. You take some mirrors, some false wall panels, powdered glass or smoke to achieve the dissolution effect, and with a practised hand you can convince any audience who's prone to believe, including a roomful of reporters. Reporters, by the way, aren't the most objective audience in the world, especially when they're looking for a big story..."

"The water in the pan trick was a bit more original... If you focus some low frequency sound waves at a pan of water, you can make it vibrate in a wide range of intricate patterns. The Comwiel logo is a gear, just a circle with some variation on the circumference, it would be tricky but not impossible to excite the surface of the water so that the peaks and troughs of the waves combine in such a way that it gives you the logo. I'm sure a bunch of enterprising physics or engineering students could rig something up that does the same thing if you give them a few days..."

The debate continues, one more colourful episode in the careers of Jan Fiets and Hydrogen Guy - whether they're one man, or two.

In international news... American officials in Iraq have recovered the body of a man who they claim is one of Saddam Hussein's top advisors, pulled out of a sand dune. Three others --

Hydrogen Guy
Great Feynman's Ghost, I hate the media. Carl, change the channel, please?

Carl
As you wish.

Deuterium Boy and Hydrogen Guy sat in a corner table at Django Djava, a safe refuge from the frenzy of the outside world. Carl, the owner, was leaning behind the bar watching television. Aside from the three of them, the café was empty.

Hydrogen Guy
I never thought I'd say this, but remind me to send Phantastic Phil a thank you card. Oh, and a flaming bag of something malodorously squishy to Gen X Man.

Deuterium Boy
Could this be the end of the famous Fetzer-Evans feud?

Hydrogen Guy
I wouldn't go that far.

He polished off the last of his hot chocolate. Deuterium Boy glanced at his watch.

Deuterium Boy
Shall we head out?

Hydrogen Guy
I'll catch up with you. I'm gonna pay a visit to a friend.

Deuterium Boy
Uh-huh. There's a surprise. Just don't break any bones if I'm not there to watch.

Jan Fiets' sprawling home lay in the Maple Ridge's northern hills, hidden from the city by the old coniferous forest. Fiets was sitting in bed, tapping on a laptop which looked barely thick enough to accommodate a 3-1/2" floppy disk. He looked up when he heard the faint scuff of a shoe outside on the balcony.

Fiets
I was wondering when you would arrive.

Hydrogen Guy emerged into the room.

Hydrogen Guy
Please excuse my predictability... We tried crashing your press conference, but by the time we arrived it had already broken up. You know, for someone who's just volunteered himself as a target for every gangster, supervillain and half-cocked wannabe, your security leaves a lot to be desired.

Fiets
Actually, I have six bodyguards on the property, three of whom are ex-League reservists. They were prepared for your arrival.

Hydrogen Guy
You're playing this from every angle, aren't you? What's the big deal, Fiets?

Fiets
I owe you an apology, Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
You owe me an explanation.

Fiets
Also.

Hydrogen Guy
And a retraction.

Fiets
That's a little more difficult.

Hydrogen Guy
You want difficult, how about if I stuff that fake ruler down your throat?

Fiets
You can't intimidate me, Hydrogen Guy. I've negotiated with Microsoft's lawyers.

Hydrogen Guy
Talk, Fiets.

Fiets
Ah... you know, no matter how many times I've rehearsed this in my head, it's still incredibly awkward... You know that Comwiel has been struggling for the last year or so, everybody knows that. The last version of GearOffice didn't sell as well as we'd have liked, and Comwiel Linux tanked. The board brought me back as president because they thought, whatever faults they found with me in the past, I could at least bring some positive attention back to the company.

Hydrogen Guy
Is that what this is about? Getting Comwiel some good press?

Fiets
Not even that so much. I just wanted to get people talking. I figured, with your co-operation, in a week or so we'll come clean about the joke, and nobody has to look like a loser --

Hydrogen Guy
Where do I even start. First of all, if that was your plan, you should have approached me first, not that I would ever consider getting involved in such a cheap publicity stunt. Second of all, you're going to look like a jerk no matter how the truth comes out. Which is fine by me, because you are a jerk.

Fiets
But people like me.

Hydrogen Guy
There's no accounting for public taste. Thirdly - what you're doing isn't illegal. But the League has lawyers, and if you don't come clean tomorrow, they'll be sending you a cease and desist letter.

Fiets
I think my legal team is more than a match for yours, Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
Maybe, maybe not. That's not how I like to fight my battles.

Fiets
And if we do go to court, I don't think breaking into my house and threatening me is going to help you very much.

Hydrogen Guy
That's why I haven't touched you yet.. And, last on my little list of points to consider - a few words have been placed in the ears of the British Columbia Securities Commission. If there's any hint that your attempt to "get people talking" is some kind of insider trading scam, you're going to need more than mirrors to make yourself disappear.

Fiets
Hydrogen Guy, I swear to you - there is nothing criminal going on here. I'm sorry to have offended you.

Hydrogen Guy
There's just one thing I want you to tell me. Where did you get the League ID card?

Fiets smiled.

Fiets
I'm sorry, I can't reveal my sources.

Hydrogen Guy
You can, and you will. You overplayed your hand, there. You can lay claim to my secret identity, there's no law but common sense stopping you from that. But falsifying government-issued identification is something else altogether. Especially when, as far as I know, that ID number is only recorded in three places - the League registry in Toronto, the local 441 office, and the card in my back pocket.

Fiets
Obviously not, if what we used was the real article. There's a hole in your security someplace. Okay, to prove I'm not being malicious, I'll tell you where I got a copy of the ID card. There's a man who calls himself the Druid, I understand he's an information trader...

Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, I know the Druid. That's some shady company you're keeping, Fiets. I'd be careful, you wouldn't be the first playboy who decided to take a stroll in the cave of fear and got whacked by the dark side.

Fiets
I've taken precautions. I also paid Druid to spread the word in the criminal element that I'm not really Hydrogen Guy.

Hydrogen Guy
Fiets, a lot of the criminal element won't care... Good night, Mr. Fiets. You'll be hearing more from me. And, honestly, be a lot more careful. I may not be the only late night visitor you get tonight.

He stepped back onto the balcony, and a moment later, he was gone. After he'd left, Fiets got up and locked the doors.

Hai!

DB, it's HG. I'm just leaving Fiets' place.

How'd it go?

About how you'd expect. I was like, blah blah blah dark knight blah blah, and he was like, blah blah blah my lawyers are bigger than yours blah blah blah...

Is he going to back down?

I don't know, he wasn't acting like it, but I think I gave him some food for thought... He says he bought the ID card from the Druid.

Wow, that's pretty respectable. He's more of a player than I gave him credit for.

Please. Half of Druid's merchandise is stuff he cons for free out of player wannabes just like Fiets... How's your night going?

Pretty quiet. I broke up a fight in Holly Park between a guy with a 17th century Japanese sword and another guy in a hippopotamus costume.

... What... ?

I didn't even want to know. I just stapled them to a tree, took their weapons, called the cops and left.

What was the hippo packing?

A Paul Kariya autographed hockey stick.

Of course... Where do you want to meet up?

We promised Carl we'd terrorise the java serfs at the Starbucks in Municipal Square, remember?

Sounds good... Hang on, I'm getting a page.

Really? Mine's quiet.

It's from Parker. It's on this end of town, 248th and Dewdney.

You want me to meet you?

Nah, SuperConductor's with him, too. I got it, DB. I need to take my frustrations out on something, anyway. Just head for the Municipal Square, I'll call you if we need you.

Good luck, HG.

Watch out for more furries of fury, DB. HG out.

See you soon. DB out.

Chuck War nearly collided with Deuterium Boy at the Django Djava. Deuterium Boy was on his way out; Chuck was on his way in.

Chuck War
There you are! I've been trying to get both of you on your cells for almost an hour, but I kept getting the Cave's answering machine. I finally had to track you down with the GPS.

Deuterium Boy
Chuck!

He looked Chuck War up and down. His normally spotless khakis were covered in dust and dried grime; he looked exhausted.

Deuterium Boy
What happened to you? Where've you been?

Chuck War
Guantanamo Bay.

Deuterium Boy
What?

Chuck War
I don't wanna talk about it. Where's Hydrogen Guy?

Deuterium Boy
I don't know! I was supposed to meet him at the coffee shop in Municipal Square over an hour ago. I haven't been able to get through to his phone, either.

Chuck War
... and you were trying to call him, which is why I couldn't get you. Great. You know his League transponder is off?

Deuterium Boy
That's only supposed to be turned off if he's going under cover.

Chuck War
Where was he, last time you talked to him?

Deuterium Boy
Just leaving Jan Fiets' place. Then I got a page from Parker, and he went to meet him and SuperConductor. I haven't been able to reach them, either. I was going to head out there.

Chuck War
Let's go, we'll take the Rig.

Suddenly they heard a familiar voice call after them. Special Agent Jack Parker was striding down the sidewalk towards them. One arm of his ever-present trenchcoat flapped loosely at his side; he'd lost the arm several months before.

Parker
Deuterium Boy! Don't you ever turn your damn phone on? Evening, War.

Chuck War
Jack.

Deuterium Boy
What are you talking about? Where's Hydrogen Guy?

Parker
How should I know? Can't even keep track of my own damn limbs often enough.

Deuterium Boy
You sent a page asking for help, and he went to meet you and SuperConductor.

Parker
I never sent any page. Haven't seen Train-boy all night, either. War, what the hell happened to you? You look like you've been rolling in someone's litter box.

Chuck War
Yeah, the U.S. Army's. Jack, DB's been trying to find HG for the last hour. He thought he was with you.

Parker
Where'd you say I paged him from?

Deuterium Boy
248th and Dewdney.

Parker
Close but no cigarillo. Haven't been in that part of town all night. But I'm on my way, and I thought you might want to join me. You, too, War, especially if what I've been hearing non-stop all day is true.

Chuck War
Why? What's happened?

Parker
Jan Fiets has been kidnapped.

Deviltry is afoot! Both claimants to the Hydrogen Guy crown - missing! Deuterium Boy and Chuck War - baffled! Who is responsible? Can our heroes solve this tangled skein? Find out, in the Conclusion of...

Same Hydrogen Time... Same Hydrogen Website!

And what was up with the hippo and the sword guy, exactly?