Episode 99
...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
Part II
Previously: Local Tech-pages celebrity Jan Fiets, founder of the software company Comwiel, announced in a press conference that he was Hydrogen Guy - much to the surprise of the real article and Deuterium Boy. After a furious, day-long media battle, Hydrogen Guy pays a visit to Fiets, who claims it was a publicity stunt. But, just hours later, Hydrogen Guy is missing, and Special Agent Parker informs Chuck War and the Deuterium Avenger that Jan Fiets has been kidnapped!
Parker, Deuterium Boy, and Chuck War arrived at Fiets' house at close to 1:30 AM, nearly two hours after Hydrogen Guy's conversation with Fiets. The house and grounds, dark and silent before, now pulsed with activity. Police cars, lights flashing, filled the drive way. Parker pulled his ghost car in behind them. The War Rig simply stopped on the street. Chuck War and Deuterium Boy met Parker in the drive and the three headed towards the house. They were met at the door by an MRPD plain-clothes detective.
Parker
Evening, Waremont.
Waremont
Special Agent Parker! Good to see you back
on active duty.
Parker shrugged.
Parker
It was either get back to work or take up
crochet. Waremont - Deuterium Boy, Chuck War.
The detective smirked.
Waremont
Oh? Where's Hydrogen Guy?
Deuterium Boy glared at him.
Deuterium Boy
That's classified.
Chuck War
Just the facts, if you don't
mind.
Waremont flipped open a notebook he carried in his hand.
Waremont
Okay... I'll start with the witnesses.
After this morning's announcement, Fiets increased his staff of personal
bodyguards to six, all of whom were on the property tonight.
Parker
Fiets kept bodyguards?
Waremont
Yeah. According to his company, he'd
received some death threats last year. He hired two full-time bodyguards after
that, and engaged the other four from a private firm four days ago. Three of the
new guys were ex-League of Heroes reservists.
Parker
So he'd been planning his little bombshell
since Friday. Carry on, Waremont.
Waremont
Thank you. Fiets turned in about 11:30 PM
and all the doors and windows were secured, except for the French doors in
Fiets' bedroom and the window in the adjoining bathroom. Nothing
out-of-the-ordinary was done to secure the building, though Fiets naturally had
a security system. He'd ordered an upgrade yesterday, but it hasn't been
installed yet.
Deuterium Boy
Why didn't he wait until the security
system was upgraded before making his announcement?
Waremont
Maybe he thought the extra bodyguards
would be enough. At about half-past twelve, four of the six bodyguards heard an
explosion out on the grounds. Two, both metas, went out to investigate. Five
minutes later, a second, smaller explosion came from Fiets' bedroom, followed by
weapons discharges. By the time the remaining four guards reached the room,
Fiets and his attackers were gone. They called the police immediately. The two
meta guards were found unconscious by a hole in the fence shortly
after.
Parker
Those kidnappers moved damn fast. How long
did it take the guards to respond after the second explosion?
Waremont
About two, three minutes, they say. They
were all at various points in the house some distance from the
bedroom.
Deuterium Boy
So rather than put someone in the
bedroom immediately after the first explosion, they all got as far away from the
guy they were supposed to be protecting as possible. Makes sense to
me.
Parker
You sound like you think it was an inside
job, Deuterium Boy.
Waremont
I agree. There's too many little things
that don't add up. They went to a lot of effort - blowing a hole in the fence
and in the bedroom, knocking down their own guy. Probably had an accomplice or
two on the outside, helping them make it look good. We haven't made any arrests
yet, but I think it's just a matter of time. Good to know you all are seeing it
the way I am, anyway.
Parker
I'm seeing it a couple ways at this point,
Waremont. But I admit, yours is the cleanest.
Waremont
So who wants to talk to the
bodyguards?
Chuck War
I do. Especially the
ex-reservists.
Deuterium Boy
I want to see the bedroom.
Waremont
I'll have someone take you up.
Parker?
Parker shook his head.
Parker
You go with War, Waremont. I'll follow Tink
up to Peter Pan's room.
Deuterium Boy gave him a withering look. Chuck War followed Waremont down the hall.
Police officer
This way, gentlemen.
Deuterium Boy
So, Parker?
Parker
First you tell me straight, Deuterium Boy.
Was Hydrogen Guy Jan Fiets?
Deuterium Boy
No. And please stick to the present
tense.
Parker
Didn't think so. Fiets strikes me as a flake.
Hydrogen Guy's no flake. He's more of a nut. Different part of the cereal
altogether. You, I'd say you're a fruit. A bit of dried apricot, maybe a
berry.
Deuterium Boy
Don't make me regret sending you a
sympathy card.
Parker
Nice one, too. Puppies playing
baseball.
Police officer
The bedroom's right here. Be careful,
we haven't gone over it completely yet.
The room was a shambles. The mattress had been torn half off the bed, and personal effects were strewn around the room as if it had been ransacked, or torn apart during a desperate struggle. The floor was covered in broken glass from the shattered French doors, and scorch markes radiated across the carpet from the shell of an incendiary grenade. A few stray bullet holes were visible in the walls.
Deuterium Boy immediately drew his Scan-O-MaticTM from his Useful Things belt and began to slowly wave it around. The device hummed and beeped as it performed its dozen or so obscure operations. Parker, meanwhile, picked his way slowly through the room, pausing to examine a bullet hole here, or a smudge on the bedding there, as he talked to Deuterium Boy.
Parker
I'll tell you what's crossing my mind,
Deuterium Boy. That this was an inside job as Waremont says seems the most
likely to me. It fits most of the facts. I'm sure it won't take too much digging
to come up with some dirt on those guards. A second possibility is that this
really was done by someone on the outside, and these guards just do a piss-poor
job...
Deuterium Boy
But we have information that Waremont
doesn't have, Parker.
Parker
Darn tootin' we do, Deuterium Boy. Number
one, Hydrogen Guy is also apparently missing. Number two, by your own admission,
Hydrogen Guy was in this very room talking to Fiets not more than an hour before
the kidnapping.
Deuterium Boy
Mm-hmm... Faint traces of excited
hydrogen molecules, like HG leaves behind when he gaseates. That's what I was
looking for. He was here, all right. Nothing else out of the ordinary shows up
on the Scan-O-MaticTM, by the way.
Parker nodded, not looking up from his examination of the scorch mark on the carpet.
Parker
So Hydrogen Guy was the last person Fiets
saw. Now both are missing. Draw your own conclusions, Deuterium Boy.
Deuterium Boy
You're suggesting HG kidnapped
Fiets?
Parker
He had a motive - Fiets had pissed him off
with his publicity stunt. He was here. Suppose he came back and decided to
settle things with Fiets a bit more permanently. Or your partner bagged Fiets
before he talked to you, then party number two shows up. Maybe even the guards.
They pull out a little shock-and-awe, find Fiets missing, and skedaddle. If it
wasn't the guards, that would explain how the outsiders could be gone by the
time the guards showed up.
Deuterium Boy
Brilliant deduction, Parker. Except
that Hydrogen Guy did not kidnap Jan Fiets!
Parker
I'm not saying he did, Sparky. I'm just
thinking out loud.
Deuterium Boy
I think whoever kidnapped Fiets, also
kidnapped Hydrogen Guy.
Parker
That's also a possibility... I'm just saying
that I'm not ruling any possibilities out yet...
He moved out onto the balcony, and Deuterium Boy followed. Parker stared over the balcony railing while Deuterium Boy seemed to scan the air. After a few minutes he turned back to Deuterium Boy.
Parker
I'm done here, you?
Deuterium Boy
Yeah.
Parker nodded, and followed him out. Deuterium Boy spent some time scanning other rooms of the house, while Parker talked with the rest of the attending officers. Deuterium Boy found no further traces of his partner. Nor did he find anything else of interest, in any room save one.
On the ground floor's east side was Fiets' private computer lab. Deuterium Boy hadn't seen a more impressive collection of computer gadgetry outside a professional laboratory or the Hydrogen Cave. In addition to a personal PC light years beyond any thing one could afford on a scientist's salary - complete with a huge flat-screen display, better speakers than he had on his home entertainment system, and burners for any kind of media that could be burned - Fiets had a pair of Octane workstations, an old IBM minicomputer from the 80's, and occupying one entire wall, a network of two dozen high-end PC's connected into a do-it-yourself parallel processing supercomputer. Deuterium Boy had visited mid-sized computer firms with less impressive server rooms.
Even given that Fiets was a rich, hard-core computer geek and hobbyist, what, Deuterium Boy wondered, did he need all that processing power for?
He sidled up to one of the workstations and jiggled the mouse. The screen unblanked and showed a login screen. He moved on to the next, and this time he was lucky enough to find an X-Win desktop. He was no hacker, by any means, but if he knew how to get the machine's IP address. And then he had colleagues who could do considerably more with that information...
He tapped gingerly at the keyboard. He just had time to find what he needed and jot it down when Parker appeared at the door.
Parker
There you are. War's done with the
bodyguards. I'm going to take a crack at them myself. You want in?
Deuterium Boy
I'll pass, thanks. I've got everything
I need.
Parker favoured him with a blanker than usual look.
Parker
Are we going to need to have that talk about
"Our Legal Friend, the Search Warrant" again?
They met up with Waremont and Chuck War back in the foyer. A few moments later, Deuterium Boy and Chuck War were headed back to the War Rig.
Deuterium Boy
So did you get anything from the
bodyguards?
Chuck War
Just what Waremont already told us. I just
wanted to get a look at the three who were supposed to be
ex-reservists.
Deuterium Boy
Did you know them?
Chuck War
Yeah. Turk Lewis and Johnny Singh were
both cut for failure to respond, and Pembrooke was dumped after he wound up in
the hench tank in Victoria. None of them are really crooks, far as I know, but
they're not exactly shining examples to society, either. How'd you make out at
the crime scene?
Deuterium Boy
Well, HG had been there up to two
hours ago, which confirms what we already knew. It looked like somebody had
thrown an incendiary over the balcony, fired off a few warning shots, and
dragged Fiets away. But I don't know how they got him off the balcony, if that's
how they did it. I didn't see any signs of a ladder or grappling hook. I'm sure
Parker noticed that too.
Chuck War
More evidence for the inside job
theory.
Deuterium Boy
Yeah...
Chuck flicked off the War Rig's alarm, and they climbed into the cab.
Chuck War
So, where to now? The place HG was
headed?
Deuterium Boy
Right. And I need you to set up a
meeting with the Druid, for tonight.
Chuck War
Druid? You think he knows
something?
Deuterium Boy
I'd be more interested if he
didn't.
Hydrogen Guy woke up sore, cramped, and in total darkness.
He was leaning with his back against a smooth, hard surface. The floor was made of a similar material, and his feet were jammed up against the opposite wall. Opening his eyes was like trying to open an ancient window that had been sealed by rust and mildew for years, and when he finally succeeded, he had to repeat the process several times to convince himself that his eyes were actually open. Wherever he was, there was not a speck of light to be found.
He pressed his feet against the wall. It didn't budge. Feeling around, he found the other two walls; the space he was in was no bigger than a closet. Gingerly, he tried standing up. Bones and muscles ached; he had taken a fairly respectable beating from the thugs who jumped him. After a bit of shuffling, he found he could stand erect, and there was a bit more than an arm's reach of clearance above his head.
It didn't take long to explore the tiny space by touch, and what he found edged him towards panic. There was no sign of a door or lid; he wasn't in a closet, but a sealed box. His Useful Things belt was gone, along with the Ruler of Elendil and the other gadgets it carried.
He sniffed the air. He realised it wasn't air. He was trapped in a box of pure hydrogen gas. Which, thanks to his Elemental hydrogen powers, he could breathe. Obviously. But the catch was, it neutralised the rest of his powers.
He wondered how his captors knew this.
He pounded on the side of the box and got no response. He tried again, this time shouting as well. He got nothing for his troubles but ringing ears.
He sat back down and waited.
After hanging up with Deuterium Boy, he had headed for 248th and Dewdney Trunk Road, the co-ordinates Parker's page said Parker and SuperConductor would be waiting for him. When he arrived at gas station which occupied the corner, there was no one to be found. He ducked into the convenience store and asked the clerk if he had seen them. The awe-struck teenager said he hadn't. Hydrogen Guy stepped back out into the parking lot and tried his cell phone.
It was dead.
He immediately headed back to the store to use the payphone. He never got there.
He hadn't gone more than a few steps when he found himself surrounded by ten or more masked assailants. He didn't really have time to count. He dropped one of his usual witty comments, drew his Ruler, and waded in. But his opponents had the advantage of numbers and brutality. Hydrogen Guy was badly down, and just when he felt himself rallying - so he told himself - he felt himself hit from behind from a blaster bolt.
He now recognised the feeling. Terrier Ironcore had once developed disruptor weapons that operated near hydrogen frequencies. Being hit by one was unpleasant for most people, but they interacted in especially nasty ways with his Elemental field. The smaller the offset from natural hydrogen frequency, the bigger the punch it packed.
Hydrogen Guy formed the hypothesis that it was Ironcore who'd captured him. In which case, he could expect a painfully full explanation of whatever his plans were in short order. In any case, his captors were thoroughly versed in his natural weaknesses. He started a mental file titled, "Known Abilities of the Bastards Who Captured Me". He added the ability to manipulate his cell phone and pager. So far, except for the disruptor blast, it wasn't matching up with Ironcore's usual M.O.
He tapped the side of the box. It felt like bullet-proof glass, or Plexiglas. He wondered if the convenience store clerk had seen the attack, if he had called anybody, and if his attackers had seen the clerk. He hoped the kid was okay.
Hydrogen Guy sighed. He was tired, and hated waiting for supervillains.
Chuck War
This is gonna be expensive.
Deuterium Boy
I assume you're not talking about the
food.
Chuck War
Yeah. You know, I haven't eaten anything
since we left Karbala this morning...
Deuterium Boy looked up from the menu. They were sitting in a downtown all-night greasy spoon.
Deuterium Boy
Where? What have you been,
anyway?
Chuck War
You're getting off topic... The Druid
likes being completely in control. Last-second meets like this tend to tick him
off because he has to come in unprepared. I'm half surprised he even agreed to
come.
Deuterium Boy
He's not here yet.
A battered black rucksack thumped violently on the seat beside Deuterium Boy and a lean man dressed in a black trenchcoat, t-shirt and blue jeans slid in beside Chuck War. The newcomer swept back his wild brown mane with one hand.
Druid
You two are so lucky there's nothing
good on TV tonight. And that my client in Indianapolis cancelled out me. You
ordered yet?
Chuck War
Nah.
Druid
Good. Pleasure before business.
He flagged down a waitress and demanded a cup of coffee. Chuck War ordered a breakfast special and Deuterium Boy a coke. The Druid resisted any attempts at conversation until after she had returned with their drinks and he'd taken his first sip of the barely-palatable brew.
Druid
Mmm. Heaven. Okay... I know this can't be any
of your doing, Charlie, you have way more sense than that. That leaves
you.
He pointed accusingly at Deuterium Boy, then turned back to Chuck War.
Druid
How'd that thing with the Trebrehk'narf work
out, anyway?
Chuck War
It didn't.
Druid
Sorry to hear that. I'm guessing you want to
know something about this guy who's claiming he's Hydrogen Guy all of a sudden -
yeah, yeah, I know he isn't, I found that out pretty quick. I've got a few
things, but lemme tell you, this is going to cost. I don't leave my pad
in the dead of night on charity calls.
Deuterium Boy
Actually, I'm not all that interested
in Fiets' background. Do you ever take payment in kind?
Druid shrugged.
Druid
That depends. What've you got?
Deuterium Boy
We just came from Fiets' house. He's
been kidnapped.
Druid sipped his coffee.
Druid
Reeeally... that changes a few things. But
that's gonna be on the news in an hour or so, it's nothing I can use. Unless you
can tell me who did it. Or hushety-hush crime scene details, that kind of
thing.
He pulled a pen out of his pocket and jotted notes on his napkin as Deuterium Boy told him what had happened, leaving out any mention of Hydrogen Guy's own disappearance. Druid nodded.
Druid
Yeah, yeah, okay... Lewis, Singh and
Pembrooke, you probably already know the company they work for. That's an
interesting firm. I think I can tell you who's behind this kidnapping
--
Deuterium Boy
I think I can, too.
Chuck War looked at him in surprise.
Chuck War
Since when?
Deuterium Boy
Since my talk with Parker. It's just a
theory, but...
Druid made a disgusted sound and flipped his notebook closed.
Druid
Then you don't need me, obviously, and I sure
as hell don't need you. Three grand in the usual account, Charlie, just for my
trouble, 'kay? See you around --
Deuterium Boy
Wait! The ID card Fiets showed in his
press conference was a duplicate of HG's actual card.
Druid stopped reaching for his rucksack. He leaned back again slowly.
Druid
Reeeally...
Deuterium Boy
That's news to you?
Druid
Yeah... I have to say it is. I have a few
tights' ID cards, but yours and Hydrogen Guy's aren't amoung them.
Deuterium Boy
That's interesting. Because Fiets told
Hydrogen Guy he had bought it from you.
Druid looked upset.
Druid
Really. Hand me my bag.
Deuterium Boy passed him the rucksack. Druid spoke emphatically as he dug into it.
Druid
If there's one thing I'm very
aggressive about -- other than digging up information that people are willing to
pay a lot of money for -- that's protecting what I consider my brand.
People I never dealt with start saying I sold them something I didn't even know,
that reflects very badly on me. And in this business, my reputation is
even more valuable than the little secrets in this bag. Here --
He pulled a blue duotang folder out of the bag and shoved it towards Deuterium Boy.
Druid
Consider this a freebie. Aside from the
meeting fee, which I'm still expecting.
Chuck War
You got it. What is that?
Druid
Pembrooke, Lewis, Singh - in fact, half of the
guys who work at the SureGuard Personal Security agency - are card-carrying
members of what used to be called the Complete Annihliation Party of
Canada.
Chuck War
Who?
Deuterium Boy
Opposition Man's old party.
Druid
An umbrella group for hard-core political
nutballs, from Nazis to UFO-cultists to anarchists and all points in between.
United for the purpose of the complete and utter destruction of the Canadian
political and economic system -- the more violently, the better. Party-founder
and king nutball "Opposition Man" died rather messily about five years ago, and
everybody figured that was the end of the movement.
Deuterium Boy
Now you're telling us it
wasn't?
Druid
Nothing's ever over, DB, especially in
politics. There were various attempts from one ultra-fringe camp or another over
the years to revive the party, but it wasn't until last year when a guy calling
himself "The Agitator" showed up that anything really took off. This is a guy so
libertarian he makes Ayn Rand look like George Bernard Shaw. A convention was
held this winter that did not break out in a riot, and The Agitator was
elected leader of --
Deuterium Boy
"The New Progressive Annihliation
Party"?
Druid
Bingo. What you're holding in your hot little
hands is the party's new constitution. It basically boils down to "It's the
strong's natural right to trample the weak, and if you disagree with me, you're
obviously one of the weak". They're pulling money in from all over the map. ICBC
for once won't touch them - they're still making ouvertures at going legit, as
you know - but Amalgo Northwest, a militia-wannabe billionaire from Montana,
some thirties-nostalgics from Northern Europe, a few groups I strongly suspect
of being fronts for extraterrestrials - all of these have kicked in money at
fund-raising dinners.
Deuterium Boy
So how is all this connected to Jan
Fiets?
Druid
Man, you guys are getting such a deal from me
tonight. Don't expect it to be a regular thing. One of the things that seems to
spur this Agitator on is big software companies. Information wants to be free,
and we need a bloody revolution to free it. You listen to him talk and the
dot-com bubble was one of the signs of the apocalypse. I can't completely follow
his logic, because of course his political writings are totally incoherent.
Anyway, both he and other NPAP members have made threats against prominent
Canadians in the industry tech industry, including Jan Fiets. The Agitator's
also no big fan of superheroes, surprise surprise.
Chuck War
Have you done business with these
people?
Druid
I told you, they're getting money from all
over. And that's the only thing I care about. Though naturally I fundamentally
disagree with this bullshit about information being free.
Chuck War
Naturally.
Deuterium Boy
So who is this Agitator?
Druid shrugged.
Druid
Who was Opposition Man? Beats me. I don't know
much about him. Apparently he started as a cracker - reportedly he can crack
literally any system on the planet - and a virus author. I've heard some
uncomfirmed stuff that he was behind Twinker and a few other recent worms, but
at this point that's just hearsay.
Chuck War
Any system on the planet, eh? Any signs
these extraterrestrial front groups are passing him wares?
Druid
That's a separate tab, Charlie. Call me later
if you're interested.
He drained his coffee and started tying up the rucksack.
Druid
Anyway, that's all I know. Literally. Until
this morning, I had nothing but the usual gossip column stuff on Jan Fiets,
which you know I don't touch unless there's a paparazzi with some money. And I
definately have never talked to the man. You make that clear, DB, to
anyone you deal with on this. I don't know where he got your prime's ID card
from, but it wasn't me.
He got up from the table.
Druid
I won't say it's been a pleasure doing
business, guys, but it's been a full-on experience. Thanks for the coffee. Catch
you later.
He gave them a mock salute and walked away.
Chuck War
Well, well.
Deuterium Boy
Well, well, well. Definitely more
informative than a deserted gas station on Dewdney, eh?
Chuck War
DB, it seemed like you knew Fiets didn't
get the card from Druid even before you asked him.
Deuterium Boy
That's because I was pretty sure he
didn't.
Chuck War
Why? And who did you think kidnapped Fiets
and Hydrogen Guy?
Deuterium Boy grinned.
Deuterium Boy
C'mon, Chuck. HG's gone and I finally
get to do some detective work on my own. Let me play it out a little.
Chuck War
All right, all right...
He yawned.
Chuck War
Now what?
Deuterium Boy
Back to the Hydrogen Cave. If what
Druid says is true, I think the Cave's computer's been cracked.
A noise somewhere in the darkness jerked Hydrogen Guy awake. His hand flew to his side where the Ruler of Elendil was supposed to be. Looking around him, he still saw nothing but blackness.
He called out, "Who's there?"
Suddenly there was light from somewhere behind him. Hydrogen Guy twisted around, jumping to his feet as quickly as he could in the confined space.
The source of the light appeared to be a small television screen about ten feet from the wall of the box. The screen showed nothing but black and white static, throwing little light on anything else around it but bright as a beacon in the otherwise dark room. The screen bulged at the sides so it was closer to egg-shaped than rectangular, like an old portable TV from the sixties. The sudden appearance of the staticky screen was accompanied by the gentle rush of white noise from a single low-fi speaker.
Hydrogen Guy waited, but no other sound came, except for his own breathing.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Hydrogen Guy."
The voice came from somewhere behind the screen, apparently over the same tinny speaker. It reminded him of a surrealistic cartoon he'd once seen, narrated by William S. Burroughs.
"What do you want?"
"Haven't you any curiosity about who has brought you here?"
"Villains are usually pretty eager to tell me who they are, so I don't usually ask."
"I see. That's practical."
The screen began to move, circling slowly around Hydrogen Guy's prison.
"We'll stick with convention, then. I choose to call myself the Agitator. As the name implies, I am a political revolutionary."
"If you want me to endorse you for the California governor's race, you're too late. I'm backing Gary Colman."
"Heh heh. You're very cool in a crisis, Hydrogen Guy. You must be growing tired by now?"
"It's some hours past my bedtime, I'll admit. But I can go all night if I have to."
"Ah, but then what? You cannot breathe pure hydrogen gas forever, even if you minimize your movements. Sooner or later, your body will remember it is human, and start wanting oxygen."
The voice was curiously precise; Hydrogen Guy had caught it using only a single contraction in the conversation so far. It was not an uncommon affectation amoung supervillains, but something about it struck him as odd.
"You're usually supposed to make a demand or two before you start making threats, Agitator."
"I have no demands of you, Hydrogen Guy. You have already given me one of the two things I want from you - your presence here tonight. Or rather, your absence from the public eye."
"And naturally my death is the other thing you want."
"We understand one another."
"Look can you -- or your TV, or whatever -- stand still? As you very kindly pointed out, I need to conserve my movements, and this orbiting you're doing isn't helping. In fact, it's making me dizzy."
"I told you I was a revolutionary."
"Great Feynman's Ghost, that's awful."
"Puns are a weakness of mine, I'm afraid."
"You've gone to a lot of trouble bottling me up, just to torment me with puns. I'm rather impressed with the depths of your research."
"Oh, my source was impeccable, Hydrogen Guy. Your own computers told me everything I needed to know."
"So much for an unhackable firewall, then."
"There is no such thing, especially to me."
The television returned to its starting point, and stayed there.
"You are to be sacrificed to the revolution, Hydrogen Guy. The first of many servants of the Illuminati who strangle the people with their laws, their institutions, their so-called irrestible forces of history. We are the counter-current, Hydrogen Guy. You have been swept away by the undertow."
"Me? A servant of the Illuminati? Listen, buddy, if I had any pull with those guys, the Canucks would've won the Stanley Cup by now... "
"You killed Opposition Man."
"Opposition Man? Don't tell me you're one of those nutballs. Listen, I didn't kill him, he was eaten by the Vector of Doom. It was an accident."
"There are no accidents."
"If you say so. It doesn't pay to argue with crazy people."
The television dipped and started growing closer to the box.
"We have you, and we have Jan Fiets. Tomorrow we will demand a heavy ransom from Comwiel. Your simultaneous disappearances will prove to the public beyond a doubt that Jan Fiets and Hydrogen Guy are one and the same. Comwiel will have no choice but to pay, and the New Progressive Annihilation Party will receive a substantial donation."
The screen stopped inches away from the glass box, at Hydrogen Guy's eye level.
"Fiets will go free. But you are too dangerous to release, Hydrogen Guy. You must pay for your crimes. You will stay in your box, and die."
The screen suddenly blanked out. Hydrogen Guy was left blinking in the sudden darkness.
"Yeah... nice talking to you, too."
Chuck War stared at the Hydrogen Cave's wall-sized TV-screen, currently displaying the Hydrogen Computer's Mu-Win desktop. For the past fifteen minutes, Deuterium Boy had been poking around in various files in the labyrinthine OS.
Chuck War
Do you even have any idea what you're
looking for?
Deuterium Boy
Not really. Something that looks out
of place. I've been checking the server logs, user histories, all that kind of
thing...
Chuck War
So if I follow your train of thought
correctly, you think that the Agitator cracked the Hydrogen Crime Computer,
stole HG's identity card, and sold it to Fiets, posing as the Druid?
Deuterium Boy
Something like that... nothing there,
either... huh. Although somebody's been looking at Sarah Polley fan sites
recently...
Chuck War
Why would he do that?
Deuterium Boy
I don't know. Go killed any
interest I had in her as an actress, personally.
Chuck War
I mean the Agitator! Why would he help
Fiets pretend to be HG if he was going to kidnap them both later?
Deuterium Boy
Obviously he has an interest in
letting people think they were the same person. Or at least in putting doubts in
people's minds... What am I missing? He couldn't have hacked the computer
without leaving traces...
Chuck War
Why not? You have one of the most
advanced systems on the planet. If he's good enough to break through your
security, why couldn't he cover his tracks?
Deuterium Boy
I guess... it's just the rule,
though, villains always leave some clue behind. Otherwise how could we
catch them?
Chuck War
I can see a flaw in that logic.
Deuterium Boy
I don't want to consider the
alternative.
Chuck War
What about the rest of the file system?
Maybe he installed a worm or a Trojan horse, or had some goal other than the ID
card.
Deuterium Boy
I wouldn't be surprised... Luckily HG
and I are both paranoid. We don't keep anything on machines connected to the
outside world that we wouldn't want our enemies to know, or that they don't
already know or is common knowledge. Grab the back-up drive for me, and I'll run
a quick diff to see if any non-obvious files have been changed suspiciously
since the last back-up.
Chuck fetched the back-up drive and DB hooked it up to the main computer with a USB cable. He opened up one of the system's heavy-duty diagnostic tools, and set it to work comparing the entire directory structure file by file with the backup.
Deuterium Boy
That'll take a few minutes... If it
doesn't turn up something, then frankly, I'm stumped.
He sat back and sighed.
Deuterium Boy
I hope HG's all right.
Chuck War
So do I. But HG can take care of himself.
Look at it realistically - if he wasn't dead an hour after he disappeared, he'll
probably make it.
Deuterium Boy
Yeah, well... a lot of the people we
deal with are considerably more sadistic than your average alien soft-drink
smuggler. I hope I'm on the right track with this. Part of me feels we should be
out there, looking for him more actively.
Chuck War
I know. I gotta admit, that was my gut
feeling, too.
Deuterium Boy
The thing is, I have this nagging
feeling... All the details I'm seeing, they're all pointing in one direction.
It's important to make sure I'm right before we run off and start breaking
heads. I guess that's how HG thinks when he's doing his Sherlock Holmes
routine.
Chuck War
So are you gonna share your theory with
me, or what?
Deuterium Boy
Just wait until we get these
results...
They passed another ten minutes talking aimlessly. Finally, the Computer pinged and a couple pages of results scrolled past on the screen.
Deuterium Boy went over the results from the top, eliminating those files that he knew had been changed by himself or Hydrogen Guy and those which the computer itself updated automatically. The rest he scrutinised closely. He was on his third read-through of the complete list when he nearly leaped onto the keyboard with a victorious "AHA!"
Chuck War
What is it?
Deuterium Boy
Right here, line 215. Holy Hermes'
Flying Shoes, I should've known that was suspicious! ... Here, see, it's
the automated maintenance schedule for the Hydrogen Ducts. The file was updated
at 2 AM the morning of Fiets' announcement. It's been changed around so that
every Duct within a kilometre of Comwiel's HQ would be closed during Fiets'
press conference. If we'd shown up when the conference was still underway, we
would've blown Fiets' claims out of the water, and the Agitator knew we couldn't
get there in time without the Ducts!
Chuck War
DB, it's like the Agitator didn't
help Fiets' impersonation so much, as orchestrate it.
Deuterium Boy
Precisely, my dear War.
Chuck War
Now how does that help us find HG and
Fiets?
Deuterium Boy
Come on, I'll explain on the
way.
Hydrogen Guy checked his watch at around 3:30 AM. He felt very, very tired, and he knew it was more than lack of sleep. His body needed oxygen, and using his powers to convince it that it didn't was wearing him out. He was near the point where he would have to concentrate on not suffocating. Which, regardless of all Doug's meditative training, he would only be able to do for so long.
Getting to his feet, he stood in the centre of the box, placed his hands on opposite walls, and began to rock back and forth. At first the box refused to budge, then he repositioned his feet and tried again. This time, he felt the box starting to move with him. If it can move, it can be tipped over. And if it can tip, maybe it can break... He slowly built up the amplitude of his oscillation, until --
"Whoa!"
CRASH!
...
"Ow."
A pale glow from somewhere in front of him indicated the TV screen was back on. The Agitator chuckled.
"A nice job, Hydrogen Guy. Of course, you have realised by now that the transparent material is shatter-proof. It would take a much bigger impact than that to release you."
Hydrogen Guy rolled over on his side so he could look his captor in the screen.
"Now you tell me. I don't suppose you'd send someone in to stand me back up?"
"Why, so you can try again? I do not think so. Besides, I think it best if you remain alone. I am not a hundred percent certain you cannot affect atoms beyond the walls of the container, so the fewer temptations I place before you, the better."
"Thanks for nothing, then. Jeez, a guy can't even suffocate with some dignity."
"Dignity, Hydrogen Guy? You dress yourself like a circus performer, and you ask me to allow you your dignity? When you prove yourself worthy, Hydrogen Guy, then I will grant you your dignity."
"Take it easy. I was just making a joke. For nerds and superheroes, it's a coping mechanism."
"I do not find it a subject for joking. Let me tell you a little bit about myself..."
"Please do. I find supervillain monologues fascinating."
"I am from the same generation as you, Hydrogen Guy. I encountered computers for the first time as a young boy in elementary school. None of my family had ever encountered them before. I loved the computer. I looked forward to the hour our teachers gave us each day to practice with the black screen and phosphor letters like it was Christmas. The keyboards, you may remember them, they were the size of electric typewriters. Do you know, I did not know what they were for? The characters appeared on my screen without my even touching it. Once I realised that this was strange, I learned to rest my hand on the keys, to keep up the appearance. My skills steadily improved. Eventually I could manipulate the programs at will, directing the flow of bits however I liked."
"Then what, Samuel L. Jackson showed up and said you were the One?"
"Be quiet, please. By the time I entered University, all I needed was a terminal connected to the outside world, and I could access any system in the world, find any information I wanted, build any program I needed from the bit-level up. I was a human compiler, interpreter and search-engine, all at once. I met others in the world who were like me, and for one reason or another, they seemed to look to me to lead them. Maybe I was better at it than any of the others, I do not know. But it came home to me, I had a choice to make. How do I use my abilities? I had kept them secret, from my parents, teachers and most of my friends, realising that they either would not understand or make demands of me."
"So you had to choose whether to use your powers for good or evil."
"It was not that clichéd. I looked around, and saw how other people with unusual powers chose to use them. There seemed to be two paths to follow - those who used their abilities to take what they wanted, to hurt and kill people, to cause terror... your so-called supervillains. And those who claimed to protect society from the others. But they are no better. They place themselves above the rest of their societies, violating the human rights of any who stand in their way, crushing guilty and innocent indiscriminately. I found the superheroes as repugnant as the supervillains. So I chose to be neither."
"I don't know, Agitator, kidnapping folks and sticking them in boxes to die seems like pretty stereotypical supervillain behaviour."
"Didn't your own Louis Riel kidnap and murder an agent of the Canadian government, Hydrogen Guy? Was he not hung by that same government? And isn't he now considered a hero of Canadian history?"
"I'm not sure it's fair comparison."
"I do not see the difference, Hydrogen Guy. I have taken the Complete Annihilation Party of Opposition Man and remade it. We stand for the freedom of all people from the oppression of governments and self-declared demigods like you. We stand for the freedom to live life as it should be lived, without interference from authority. Gaining that freedom requires me to do some unpleasant things. Taking you as a man, I don't want to kill you. But taking you in the role you have cast for yourself, and for the crimes you have committed, I have no choice. I can at least ensure that your death helps our cause. And suffocation is as humane a method of execution as any."
"It's still murder, Agitator, as surely as if you'd strapped me to a table and cut me in half with a laser beam while laughing like a maniac and stroking a Persian cat. Look, I'm not going to argue politics with you. There are points for the anarchist philosophy, and lord knows I'm aware that a lot superheroes have questionable records --"
"Questionable? My observations show them to be fascistic ego-maniacs, every one of them."
"Well, I know some who fit that description. But listen, your actions aren't any better. Don't you think that every superhero - and most villains, for that matter - do what they do because they sincerely believe that it's in humanity's best interests? If you admit that, you have to concede that good motives aren't enough to excuse evil actions. You have to apply that same standard to yourself."
"Do you, Hydrogen Guy?"
"I try, yes. There are a few things I'm ashamed to have done. I try to make up for them everyday. But then, that's what everyone does. As best as I can figure out, that's how you get through life as a decent human being. Look, I'm not asking you to chuck the Annihilation Party and use your super-hacking powers to defend Truth, Silliness and the Canadian Way, all I'm saying is that if you're going to hold superheroes up to a higher standard of conduct, then your best way to start is by not sinking below their level. That means murder is right out."
"You are simply trying to save your own skin."
"Damn right, I am! But I would be making exactly the same argument if it was someone else whose life was at risk here."
"Even an enemy of yours?"
"Yes."
"Even the Crustacean?"
"... Well, restricting ourselves to actual human beings or close approximations thereof..."
"You are as big a hypocrite as you claim I am, Hydrogen Guy. A revolutionary sometimes must commit murder or acts of war in order to free his people. My people are all those who yearn to be free, and for their freedom I will kill every superhero on Earth if I have to. You are an engaging opponent, Hydrogen Guy. I regret having to kill you, but I would have regretted missing this opportunity to exchange ideas with you even more."
"Yeah, yeah, make your dramatic exit already..."
"I will try to check on you again before you expire. If I miss the opportunity, then good-bye, Hydrogen Guy. Best of luck in whatever after-life you believe in."
"Jerk."
Hydrogen Guy glared at the screen as it switched off, once again leaving him in total darkness. Rolling back on his stomach, he turned his attention to the former wall, now the floor, of his prison.
Whether the Agitator admitted it or not, he was a classic supervillain. Which meant that as long as Hydrogen Guy could keep him distracted and talking about his favourite grinding axe, he wouldn't pay much attention to what Hydrogen Guy was doing. Especially not when the Agitator was only monitoring him through a camera hidden in the TV that was little better than the junk sold on Internet pop-ups, and talking through a computer synthesizer. Wherever the Agitator was, he was nowhere close by.
Which meant, thought Hydrogen Guy as he fished inside his tie, he wasn't likely to have noticed the hairline fracture near the corner of the box. And, he continued as he fumbled to remove his shoe, the Agitator was unlikely to interrupt again for a while...
He got a lot of guff from other superheroes about his unconventional outfit, especially the tie. But, if you were going to wear a tie, you might as well use it to hide an emergency razor-blade (among other things). And you could hide a file inside dress shoes (well, in the heel) just as easily as you could in most boots.
Hydrogen Guy turned his tools and his attention to opening up the crack, and hoped he would be able to do so in time.
Chuck War lowered the unconscious henchman to the ground. Deuterium Boy was impressed; he hadn't even finished climbing through the basement window by the time Chuck had dealt with the guard.
Deuterium Boy
Well, we're obviously on the right
track.
Chuck War
Yeah. A guard is always a positive sign.
They had slipped onto the grounds through the same hole in the high iron fence surrounding the Fiets' house that his kidnappers had allegedly opened several hours before. There were still a few police in and around the house, but the Deuterium Avenger and the Galactic Customs agent wanted to arrive unnoticed by anyone inside, outside, or underneath the house.
Chuck slipped the unconscious guard's wallet out of his pocket and glanced through his ID.
Chuck War
An employee of SureGuard Personal
Security. Well, well.
He dropped the wallet in the prone guard's chest.
Deuterium Boy flicked his flashlight around the room. They were in a little-used part of the basement. Except for the slumbering welcoming committee, there was nothing much to see. A folding chair where the guard had sat, half dozing, against a cold water pipe; a rough work bench on the opposite wall; and a door leading to another room a few feet away, obviously what he had been set to watch. A set of rickety stairs led up to the main floor.
Deuterium Boy shone his light back on the work bench, where a pair of familiar-looking objects lay. He pounced on them.
Deuterium Boy
It's HG's Useful Things belt! And the
Ruler of Elendil!
Chuck War
He's got to be in there!
Deuterium Boy tried the door, and found it locked. Chuck produced a set of keys from the guard's belt, and by inspection chose the right key on the first try.
Deuterium Boy
Good guess.
Chuck War
Guess, nothing. I'm pretty good at
locksmithery. Just 'cause I'm big and burly doesn't mean I always have to break
the door down.
He opened the door, and they cautiously entered the darkened room. Deuterium Boy shone the flashlight inside. There was no sign of their friend. In the centre of the room was a rectangular glass box, empty. A strange mechanical contraption consisting of a small television screen mounted on a reticulating arm sat in one corner.
Deuterium Boy
Chuck, there's -- AUGH!
Suddenly, a man appeared beside him and walloped viciously him in the side of the head. Deuterium Boy staggered, and Chuck War was on the attacker like stupid on a president. Holding him by the collar, he slammed him against the open door.
Chuck War
All right, where's -- Hydrogen
Guy!
Hydrogen Guy
Ow, ow, easy, easy on the collar,
Chuck. I'm tired and dishevelled enough as it is...
Chuck released his grip.
Chuck War
Jeez! Sorry, Hydrogen Guy!
Hydrogen Guy
S'okay, I understand. DB, are you okay?
Sorry, I didn't know who it was --
Deuterium Boy
Don't worry about it. I was about to
say, when you degassed and clobbered me, that there was hydrogen gas in the
room. HG, are you all right?
He shone the flashlight at his partner. Hydrogen Guy was breathing heavily, and his lips still had a slight tinge of blue about them.
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... getting there. I just managed
to get out of that box. The Agitator had me bottled in hydrogen gas, so I was
powerless. I had to puncture the box and let some of it out before I could use
my powers again...
Chuck War
It's good to see you again, HG.
Hydrogen Guy
You guys, too.
Deuterium Boy
You sure you're okay?
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah, just fine... What took you so
long? The bastard made me rip my tie apart. He owes me a trip to "Tip Top
Tailor". Deuterium Boy, Fiets --
Deuterium Boy
Hydrogen Guy, we've found out what's
going on! The Agitator is Jan Fiets!
DRAMATIC MUSIC!
Deuterium Boy
Fiets faked his own kidnapping and
abducted you at the same time, so the public would think for sure that he was
you. That would force his company Comwiel to pay an exorbitant ransom to his New
Progressive Annihilation Party. Then Fiets would be "released" unharmed, and
probably make an announcement that the experience had convinced him to retire as
Hydrogen Guy.
Hydrogen Guy stared at him.
Hydrogen Guy
Well... yeah. That was pretty obvious,
don't you think? Are you telling me I nearly suffocated in that damn box because
it took you this long to figure that out?
Chuck War
Uh, Hydrogen Guy...
Deuterium Boy
Wha-- You-- Well, if you don't
appreciate the effort, it can be ARRANGED to put you BACK in the BOX!!
Chuck War
Guys, it's nearly four in the morning. You
can tear each other's throats out later. HG, where's Fiets?
Hydrogen Guy
I've no idea. Pretty far away, I'm
guessing.
"You're correct, Hydrogen Guy."
They whirled around to find the TV screen had activated once again. This time it was Jan Fiets' own voice coming over the speaker. The gig was slowly wheeling itself around to face them, while the TV twisted and bobbed on its reticulated arm like a pipe-necked alien.
The Agitator
Well done, Deuterium Boy. I quite
underestimated you, I had thought you were the dim bulb half of the team. And
your resourcefulness, Hydrogen Guy, I also underestimated. Next time we meet, I
won't make the same mistakes... Don't bother trying to find me, or tracing this
transmission. I can spoof its origin as easily as I spoofed your pager. Tot
ziens, gentlemen!
The static cleared and a row of green numbers appeared on the screen; 00:30 and counting down.
Chuck War
Crap!
They bolted out of the room. On the way out, Chuck grabbed the guard, who grunted a sign that he was waking up. They tore up the stairs and burst into the kitchen on the main floor. Hydrogen Guy shouted a warning to the startled police constable eating a sandwich at the kitchen table.
They made it outside and into the driveway when --
Constable
Holy -- What the hell -- ??
Chuck War
Here...
He shoved the now-conscious, upright and scowling guard towards the constable.
Chuck War
You'll wanna charge this guy with
something.
Hydrogen Guy
Seriously, why blow up the house? You
know how much he could've gotten for this place? Probably at least as
much as he was planning to ransom himself off for...
He turned to Deuterium Boy.
Hydrogen Guy
Nice work, DB. And I'm sorry for my
asphyxia-induced crabbiness earlier. If you hadn't figured out the plot when you
did, I probably would've been trapped in there when Fiets found out I'd
escaped.
Deuterium Boy
You've survived being blown up
before...
Hydrogen Guy
No, I mean it. Thanks, DB. That's
another one I owe you.
Deuterium Boy
Are you gonna try to hug me?
Hydrogen Guy
No.
Deuterium Boy
Okay. Good.
He yawned dramatically.
Deuterium Boy
Man... I'm really tired.
Hydrogen Guy
Me too... Think I'll sleep in on
Monday. Like, maybe until Wednesday.
Chuck had finished explaining the situation to the police constable, and had flipped open his cell phone.
Chuck War
Sounds nice, guys, but we still have one
heck of a statement to make when Waremont and Parker show up. Not to mention
Lola.
Hydrogen Guy
Lola?
Chuck War
Yeah. I owe her a page one scoop. Not to
mention dinner... Hey, baby... I -- Sorry, I was -- Yes, I know what time it is
-- I'm fine -- I was arrested by the U.S. Army, and I just helped rescue
Hydrogen Guy. Listen -- I'm sorry -- no, just lemme explain for a
minute...
He turned away to continue the complex negotiations. The constable was handcuffing the Agitator's henchman to the nearest fence not directly in danger from the burning house. Hydrogen Guy sighed.
Hydrogen Guy
Thursday. Better make it
Thursday...
Deuterium Boy
Oh, and don't forget, we have to go
looking for Fred Penner's inflatable cat tomorrow.
Hydrogen Guy
Oh, God, the inflatable cat, right...
DB, remind me again why we do this? Stay up half the night, get ourselves
kidnapped, blown up, dissed by supervillains, so on and so forth? Are we
gluttons for punishment? Masochists? Are we really naive enough that we think
dressing ourselves up in these ridiculous costumes and trying to get ourselves
killed is making the world a better place? What's it all about, DB?
Deuterium Boy
HG... I don't know. But we get
half-priced drinks at the Usual Coffee Shop and hang around with beautiful women
in revealing outfits.
Hydrogen Guy
Yeah... and some days, that makes it
all worthwhile. Come on, buddy. Let's go grab a hot chocolate.
[fade to black; roll credits]