[All characters copyright ~Steve-o, this story is severely "non-canonical", yada yada.]

Christopher Ford and the Fudge of the Apocalypse

Helluva day, lemme tell you.

It started out with the best break I've had in a while. Lorna and the Big Guy were both in a rush this morning, gibbering at each other over something - I don't know what, it had nothing to do with me or food, it's not important to the story anyway - and they got a little absent-minded with the door. Before you can say "here kitty kitty", I'm out and down the hall. Didn't even notice.

The hall I've done before. Not much going on, a couple of the neighbours have dogs and there's this old lady with a cat, but she's (the cat, I mean) almost as dumb as the mutts. None of them were out right then, so the hall didn't offer any possibilities. I knew the sliding doors a few doors down from us led to the elevator, so I turned myself invisible and waited.

I didn't have to hang around long before one of the dog guys - alone, thankfully- came out and went into the elevator. I slipped in behind him and rode down , then tailed him out of the building. Then I was fabulously, gloriously free.

Don't get me wrong - I'm strictly what the thumb people call "a house cat", most of the time. But I grew up in a barn, the outdoors are in my blood, and hey, everybody needs a change of scene once in a while. It's not like I'm defenceless or anything.

A good stretch and a poke around the front of my building, and then I decided to see what possibilities the alley held. I went back to the visible spectrum once I was out of sight of the road.

I don't have time to go into everything I found in the alley - it's fascinating, but again, not relevant. I followed the alley along for a while. I had it mostly to myself, except for this one tom. He made a crude remark about my wings and certain other parts of my anatomy. I didn't say anything, I just turned around and looked at him. These wings aren't just flaps of skin, buddy. These wings mark me as royalty, I'm a damned Princess of Findhorn. They let me turn invisible and do a couple other things most people don't know about. I'd waste you if it was worth my time. All that in a look. He got the point. I don't need to speak to put alley scum like him in his place.

I strolled around for quite a while, taking the air. Almost caught a pigeon. After a while all this great outdoors stuff was starting to get to me, and I had to take a nap. I found a nice looking step in a patch of sun, settled down and dozed off.

Next thing I know, this human in a hood's just about stepping on me. I yelled at him to watch where he was going and jumped onto the next step. He let out a little yowl and looked at me like he'd seen a ghost. Then I got a look at him.

Holy mackerel, what a fruit-cake.

He was wearing a long brown trench-coat which he was holding closed with one forepaw. In the other he had a big, purple, paper shopping bag that smelled familiar. On his head, like I say, he was wearing this hood, brown, and across his face he had a strip of cloth with holes cut out for the eyes. Like he wanted to look like he had fur, or something. He had a little tuft of real fur on the bottom of his chin - it reminded me of last Samhain when the Big Guy made himself a fake one out of fur from my brush, and told people that he was his own double "from the Mirror Universe". "Halloween" he said it was. Maybe that was it, maybe this guy was dressed up for "Halloween".

No such luck.

"Well well well!" he said, "What have we here? A cat with wings! Hello, kitty! Sorry for startling you! Hmm, yes?"

He bent down and set his package aside. I sniffed at it - it did smell familiar. The wacko petted me - he had a competent touch, I couldn't help purring a bit. He fingered my wings speculatively.

"You are a portentous omen, kitty. Like a pooka appearing to a great general on the eve of battle! Where do you come from, hmm?" Uh-oh. "I mustn't let an omen like you slip away. Come along, then!"

He scooped me up in that annoying way that humans have and carried me into the building. I didn't struggle, even though knew this could lead to trouble, because I was fascinated to know what was in that bag. He rushed through the lobby and down a hallway - I was a bit surprised to see I'd circled around and come back to our building. This guy apparently lived on the bottom floor. He stopped in front of a door and started juggling his package and me around looking for his keys. The nerve. Whatever it was in that bag had better be worth it...

Finally he unlocked the door and we hurried inside. The strangely familiar smell was really strong in here, and once we got into the kitchen I saw what it was: chocolate. The stuff was piled everywhere. As he petted me and chuckled to himself in the elevator, he put down the bag, which I could now see had a couple huge slabs of the stuff.

Feh. Lorna acts like it was some kind of catnip, but I can't eat the stuff. Well, I thought, maybe he's got something else around here.

"Now, kitty... I think I will call you Julius. " That's a guy's name, brain-trust.

"Oh, Julius, this is a momentous day, indeed! After weeks of stealthy planning, I have finally assembled enough raw materiel -- can't buy too much at one time, you know, their spies might become suspicious! And they have spies everywhere!"

He put me down on the kitchen counter, next to a mountain of rough-cut chocolate chunks. Behind me was a huge jar of M&M's. I shuddered a bit, because my one experience with chocolate was when I stole some of the Big Guy's M&M's when I was younger and got mighty sick. Just looking at them made me want to cough up a hair-ball. I tried to ignore them and watched my host. He was still in the kitchen, so food might be forth-coming. I just had to get him off the topic of spies. I mewed encouragingly.

"Yes, Julius, the time is at hand. Soon the City of San Francisco will feel the might of... The Chocolateer!! "

He threw his trench-coat off dramatically. Underneath he wore these brown tights, complete with a pair of silky red boxer shorts pulled on over-top. The emblem on his chest was four squares of chocolate flanked by crossed lightning bolts on an orange background.

The Chocolateer. Uh-huh.

I gave up and jumped off the counter. I headed into the living room and hopped up onto a couch which seemed acceptably comfortable. Maybe I could get back to that nap. But the chocolate guy kept talking.

"For five years, Julius, I have trained, prepared myself. I have become adept at using the strange powers Nature has given me, Hershel Rowntree - powers over chocolate! See this square of -- Julius? Ah!"

He strode out of the kitchen with several blocks of chocolate.

"Julius, it is very impolite to walk out when I am talking. Where was I? Ah! See this square of milk chocolate, Julius? Eating this will give me super speed for one minute! And this square of dark chocolate will give me super strength! And further, I can mould chocolate into any form I wish, including fully functional weapons!"

I yawned, disappointed. This looked less and less like it would lead to actual food every second.

"Ah, you're sceptical? So were those fools at the DeVry School for Evil Geniuses! Behold, Julius!"

He stuck a bar of chocolate in front of my nose, and I jerked back. Unexpectedly, the stuff seemed to melt and change shape, and then instead of a bar he was holding a chocolate mouse. The mouse actually moved, twitching its tail and waving its paws at me. I still wasn't going to put the crap in my mouth, but my instincts wouldn't let me put up with this. I attacked it with my paw, and Hershey laughed and drew his hand back. He held up the chocolate again, and it was melting back into a bar.

"And I can do more, Julius, so much more! I'll go on a crime spree the likes of which this city has never seen! And no one will stop me... not even ... Christopher Ford!"

Making the name's only sibilant do extra work, he pointed to a corner of the living room, where several pictures and newspaper clippings were taped to the wall. Sure enough, there were several clippings about some of the Big Guy's more sensational cases from the Chronicle; a little article from the Bay Area Ghost Enthusiast's Newsletter about his paranormal research from last month; a couple pictures of the Big Guy, obviously taken from behind bushes. There were also a couple shots of Hershey with prominent local celebrities, including one of him shaking hands with a distinguished looking man at city hall, who I recognised as that vampire who broke into our place last year.

"Boy, you are a creep," I said. Hershey misunderstood, of course, the dumb monkey.

"That, Julius," he crowed, "is my arch-nemesis! I have carefully examined the forces of Justice in San Francisco, and I have decided that that man is the only reasonable opposition for a mastermind of my calibre! When I begin my reign of terror, I shall demonstrate my superiority by leaving him clues in the form of fiendish chocolate-themed riddles! Then everyone will know of my genius, and bow down to The Chocolateer!! "

I really was going to cough up a hair-ball if he didn't stop talking pretty soon. The doorbell stopped him for a moment, and I started grooming myself.

"One moment, Julius. I'll get rid of them."

He went to the door and, without bothering with the peephole, he flung the door open. If I'd been human, I would've laughed. It was, of course, the Big Guy and Jake.

"Hi, sorry to bother you," said the Big Guy, "You haven't seen a grey cat wandering around the building, have you?"

Hershey recovered his idiot aplomb quickly. "You!" he hissed. He raised the bar of chocolate he still held, and it formed itself into a knife. Jake only saw the motion and the blade.

"Chris, look out!" he yelled.

He threw himself at the Chocolateer and knocked him to the ground. Hershey yelled and struggled. He brought the chocolate knife to his mouth, maybe trying to get some of those super-powers he said that eating chocolate gave him.

"Jake, he's turning it on himself!"

"I got it! Come on, buddy, drop the knife!"

"Never! Fools! I'll destroy you! I'll destroy you all!!!"

"It's okay, man, nobody's gonna hurt you. Just calm down..."

I figured this had gone on long enough. I jumped off the couch and called for the Big Guy's attention. He looked away from Jake and Hershey.

"Fritter? Hey! C'mere, girl!"

I sat firm on the carpet. Nuh-uh, tubbo, come over and get me yourself. You could use the exercise.

The Big Guy walked over to me and picked me up. As he was standing up, the "display" on the wall caught his eye.

"Whoa... Jake, come check this out."

"Can't right now, Chris."

"I think we should call somebody."

We had to hang around for another hour after the Big Guy's buddies showed up. Jake told the about how the guy tried to attack them with a chocolate knife, and the Big Guy showed them the Ford "shrine". Hershey kept ranting and raving about how he would destroy them all, that he was a criminal super genius, etc, etc.

The human in charge shook his head.

"Yeah... seems pretty clear, all right. As if the costume wasn't weird enough. The guy decides he's the Napoleon of Crime and that you're his arch-enemy, and starts stalking you. Your cat's lucky - ever see 'Fatal Attraction'?"

"This guy's no Glenn Close, though," said Jake.

"We'll take him in for evaluation. We'll keep you posted, Chris."

"Thanks, Lou," The Big Guy kept petting me, and I purred appropriately. "Man, I never even knew this guy lived in the same building as me. Guess it shows how we never do know our neighbours anymore."

"Good thing it was just a chocolate knife," said Jake.

I wondered though. Sure, Hershey was nuts, and the Big Guy showing up on his doorstep was more than his fragile little monkey brain could process. But he made that mouse, and it moved... could a chocolate knife in his hands have been just as effective as a real one? And what about that stuff about super-strength and super-speed?

Maybe, I thought, someone should make sure nobody gives this guy any chocolate... maybe I should try and warn the Big Guy, somehow. It was just then that he dangled his hair in my face and I got distracted. Then we went back to our place and I got some of the good food - tuna fillets.

Finally. And man, was I glad it wasn't chocolate.