A Wholesome Panto in Two Acts

Cast of Characters
Esmerelda
Woodsman Bill
The Troll
The Pirate Captain
Toe Jam & Groin Pull
The Three Townswomen
The Housekeeper
Various minor persons

Act I

It is a bright sunny spring day. Our heroine, the beautiful Esmerelda, is skipping merrily along the path, when she meets three elderly Townswomen.

Esmerelda
Good morning, ladies!

Townswomen
Oh, good morning, Esmerelda.

Townswoman #1
Where are you off to this morning, dearie?

Esmerelda
[stroking her hair] I'm going to have my ends done.

Townswoman #2
Oh! You little tramp!

Townswoman #3
She meant her hair, you old prune! [Whacks #2 with her purse]

Esmerelda
I'm going to see my hair-dresser, Jean-Pierre.

Townswoman #3
What, you mean that old poof who lives in the forest?

Esmerelda
Oh, but he does wonderful things with my hair!

Townswoman #2
And that's all he'll do'em with, too.

Townswoman #1
Oh, but you can't be going into the forest, dear! It's dangerous!

Esmerelda
Oh, I'll be fine, really...

Townswoman #3
It's full of Fierce Animals! Like lions!

Townswoman #1
And tigers!

Townswoman #2
And bears!

Esmerelda
Oh my!

Townswoman #1
Not to mention trolls and ogres and elves and especially fairies!

Townswoman #3
Like Jean-Pierre.

Townswoman #1
Not that kind, you ninny! [whacks #3 with her purse]

Townswoman #2 whacks #1 and #3 with her purse.

Townswoman #1 & 3
What was that for?

Townswoman #2
Just wanted to get my fair shot in.

The other two whack her repeatedly with their purses.

Townswoman #1
Anyways... you'll be fine, dear, as long as you keep to the south path.

Townswoman #3
And stay away from that dirty, awful Woodsman Bill! He's a good for nothing!

Townswoman #2
Good for nothing but a good time, that is. [#1 whacks her with purse] Well, he's got a great bum! [#3 whacks her with purse]

The Townswomen all start hitting each other and chasing each other around, finally off stage.

Esmerelda
Thank you! Good morning! [to herself] Stay to the south path... right.

She exits. A short time later, a bit further down the path, our strapping hero Woodsman Bill is chopping firewood.

Woodsman Bill
Oof, this wood-cutting is hot and sweaty work. Think I'll take off my sweater.

He tries to remove his sweater, but becomes hopelessly entangled in it, eventually falling down. Esmerelda wanders by and stares at him.

Woodsman Bill
Um, I know it's here somewhere ... no, no, that's another arm ... ooff, help!

Esmerelda
Er ... excuse me, ... are you all right?

Woodsman Bill
Hello? Who's there? Oof, dammit...

Esmerelda
It's Esmerelda ... do you need any help?

Woodsman Bill
Well, yes, unless you believe me to be a large, woolly, rather active fungus, I do need help.

She bends down, and after some effort, helps him out of the sweater. With a mighty pull, it comes off, and they see each other face to face. The Love Goddess dances out to soaring romantic music, sprinkles Love Dust on them, and waltzes out.

Woodsman Bill
Well ... hello.

Esmerelda
Hi.

He helps her to her feet.

Woodsman Bill
Thank you, Esmerelda... my name is Woodsman Bill. I appreciate your help ... I've never been good with clothes, I'm afraid.

Esmerelda
[breathlessly] Maybe you should do without them then.

Woodsman Bill
Esmerelda! I hardly know you!

Esmerelda
Um, that's not, what I mean, I meant, um ... I really should be going, My appointment's at nine, and I'm feeling rather...

Woodsman Bill
Unexpectedly giddy?

Esmerelda
Something like that. Goodbye, Woodsman Bill!

She dashes off into the woods.

Woodsman Bill
I'll call you! Wait, I don't have her phone number. Wait, I don't have a phone! [pause] Whoa... what a groovy chick...

This might be a great time for our hero to sing a song or something.

Woodsman Bill
... or maybe it's just termite bites...

He sits down on a pile off wood and stares dreamily off into space.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, the Housekeeper is bustling about the kitchen of a cottage in the woods. She's dressed to go out. The Troll comes downstairs and sits at the kitchen table.

Troll
Housekeeper! I'm hungry!! Fetch me twelve Athenian virgins!

Housekeeper
Good morning, sir. I'm afraid all we have is some nice, lovely porridge for breakfast.

Troll
Bah! All you ever feed me is porridge, vegetables, and cooked animal flesh!! What sort of diet is that for a troll in my condition, hm?

Housekeeper
Oh? And what condition is it today, sir?

Troll
I've got tapeworms.

Housekeeper
Oh, you do not.

She puts the porridge in the microwave.

Troll
I do too. I saw them when I pooped.

Housekeeper
Oh, heavens, I've told you before, those are just undigested bean sprouts.

Troll
Hmf. Looked like tapeworms.

[pause]

Housekeeper
You did use the toilet for your poop this morning, didn't you, sir?

Troll
Of course I did. I have been ever since you replaced the begonias with cactuses. What're you all dressed up for, anyway?

Housekeeper
It's Tuesday, sir. I'm going into town to visit my sister.

Troll
Town, eh? Well, since you're going into town, would you get me something from the butcher shop?

Housekeeper
What is it?

Troll
The butcher?

Housekeeper
No, absolutely not.

Troll
Oh, come on, please? He's got such meaty legs...

Housekeeper
No, now you know I don't like you eating people. And don't you be doing it while I'm gone, or no pudding for dinner.

Troll
Oh, all right...

Housekeeper
Good. There's the microwave.

She gets up from the table and brings him his porridge. She sets it down in front of him.

Housekeeper
There you are, sir. Be careful, it's hot.

The Troll grunts.

Housekeeper
I'm going now. I'll be back in time for supper. Now remember: no eating people, and no calling up Larry King and telling him you're Ross Perot. I know you enjoy it, but you make that little vein pop out on his forehead, poor man.

Troll
Fine, all right. Now get out, woman!! Before I eat you for breakfast!!!

Whistling happily, the Housekeeper leaves and makes her way down the forest path. The Troll picks up a large spoon and takes a mouthful of porridge.

Troll
[spitting it out] YEEEEEOOOOOWW!!!! Devil take her, that women!! This porridge is way too hot!! With her, that microwave has only three settings - low, medium, and Chernobyl. Hmf... maybe I'll go for a walk and wait for this slop to cool... better yet, maybe I'll go hang around by the bridge and wait for billy goats! Ha ha!!!

He leaps up from the table and scurries out the door, chortling and snoring to himself. He soon disappears down the forest path.

A few moments later, there is a rustling in the bushes. The three pirates leap out.

Pirate Captain
Avast, me hearties, loyal Groin Pull and Toe Jam! The little troll and the old lady are gone! Now we can break into the house and steal the troll's treasure! HAR HAR HAR!!!

Groin Pull
But captain, what if they come back while we're in there?

Toe Jam
I know!! We'll snuff 'em!!!

Groin Pull
Yeah! Snuff the Troll!!

They start dancing around, chanting "Snuff the Troll".

Captain
No! No! Shut up, both of ye! They won't be back! Nobody's snuffing anybody!!

Toe Jam
What about pets? If we find any pets, can we snuff them?

Captain
No!

Groin Pull
How about house plants?

Captain
No! Now shut up!! All we're gonna do is get into the house and search for the treasure!!

All
ARRRRGGHH!! The Treasure!!!!

Captain
Come on, lads, let's search the place!!

They enter the cottage and start looking around. The Captain sends Toe Jam upstairs. They search through everything, but in vain.

Groin Pull
Nothing here, Captain.

Captain
Aye, nothing here too. Where be that blasted treasure? Toe Jam!! Ye found anything, boy?!!

Toe Jam comes downstairs wearing a flower-print mu-mu.

Toe Jam
No sign of the treasure, cap'n.

Captain
Toe Jam, ye dink, what're ye doing in that dress?

Toe Jam
I found it in the housekeeper's closet. Do you like it?

Groin Pull
It is just so totally you!

Toe Jam
It's what all the pirates will be wearing next season.

Captain
Arrgh, ye slack-sphinctered son of a sea snail, ye're supposed to be looking for troll treasure, not playing dress-up in the tickle-trunk!!

Toe Jam
I may be in a dress, cap'n, but no one's better be ticklin' anywhere near me trunks!

Captain
Aye... well, the treasure's well hid if it be here, crew. We'll come back later, and wring it out of the Troll's snot-covered trachea!!

Groin Pull
Then can we snuff 'im?

Captain
Aye, then ye can snuff 'im...

Toe Jam and Groin Pull
ARRRRGGHHH! Snuff the Troll!!!

Captain
Come on, we'll go back to camp.

The Pirates exit. A few moments after they disappear into the forest, Esmerelda comes wandering down the path.

Esmerelda
Oh, this is terrible! I must have missed the south path! Now I'm lost and late for my appointment!! I'll have to go back on Jean-Pierre's waiting list!! *Sigh* Being in love is wonderful, but it's the shits for your sense of direction... wait, there's a cottage. Maybe someone who lives there can tell me how to find the south path...

She walks up to the door, and finding it open, she walks in.

Esmerelda
Hello? Is anybody home? I'm lost and was wondering... ooooh, porridge...

She walks over to the table.

Esmerelda
It looks like there's nobody home... the place is kind of deserted and everything...and I'm so hungry. Like I mean I'm really really hungry. Like just so totally, ravenously hungry, I might walk into some total stranger's house and eat their bowl of porridge, despite knowing my cousin Goldilocks has had some bad experiences with that... oh, what the hell...

She sits down at the table and starts devouring the porridge. She finishes quickly.

Esmerelda
Mmm, that was good porridge. [She yawns] Oh damn, I forgot, ... [yawn] porridge always makes me sleepy... [yawn] especially after wandering through the forest all morning... [yawn] oh... bother...

She pitches over and falls asleep in the porridge bowl.

Act II

It is now afternoon on the same bright, sunny spring day. Our jaunty hero, Woodsman Bill, comes whistling down the path carrying a load of firewood into town. He meets the three elderly Townswomen, who are talking together excitedly.

Woodsmen Bill
Good day, ladies. What seems to be the problem?

Townswoman #1
Clear off, you riff raff!

Townswoman #2
We don't need anything from you, you smelly woodsman.

Townswoman #3
Right, move along, you disenfranchised baboon.

Woodsman Bill
Ladies, please! Is that any way to treat a leading man?

Townswoman #1
You're no Antonio Banderas, you know.

Townswoman #3
You're not even Pauly Shore, for that matter.

Woodsman Bill
Really, ladies! Just because I'm under-employed, ill-mannered, anti-social, slow-witted and smell like a week-old dead cow doesn't make me a bad guy. In fact, I'm perfectly qualified to be premier of Ontario.

*Ba-Boom-Tish*

Townswoman #2
Oh, all right then. But we're only talking to you to further the plot.

Woodsman Bill
Of course.

Townswoman #1
Esmerelda is lost in the forest!

Townswoman #2
She never arrived at her hair appointment!

Townswoman #3
We found her half-eaten corpse hanging in an oak tree!

Townswoman #1
[whacks #2 with her purse] Oh, we did not! That was a salami!

Townswoman #3
Well, it looked like a corpse!

Townswoman #2
Well, the point is that nobody knows where she is!

Woodsman Bill
Great Scott!! [he drops his wood] My true love adrift in the enchanted wood? My little buttercup, my honey muffin, my sweet little puff pastry? Have no fear, ladies, I shall rush to her rescue! After all, I know that forest like the back of my neck!! I'm coming, Esmerelda!

He dashes off into the forest.

Townswoman #3
Well that was queer, wasn't it?

Townswoman #2
Quite, yes.

[a long pause]

Townswoman #1
I think they've forgotten about us.

Townswoman #2
Quite, yes.

Townswoman #3
Must be rather boring for the audience.

[another long pause]

Townswoman #3
Maybe we should do something.

Townswoman #1
Like what?

Townswoman #3
I don't know. We can't just stand here forever waiting for the bleeding scene change.

[a short pause]

Townswoman #2
Let's sing!

Townswoman #1
All right.

Townswoman #3
Let's not instead.

Townswoman #1
Just as well.

Meanwhile, the Troll returns to his cottage. Esmerelda is still sleeping.

Troll
Hmf... all morning and not one frigging goat. Damned Harris government... mutter mutter mutter... hey, who left the door open?!

He walks into the cottage and discovers Esmerelda asleep in the bowl where his porridge used to be.

Troll
HEY!!!!!!!!

Esmerelda jumps, and looks up with porridge on her face. She sees the Troll and screams. She gets up and starts running around the kitchen with the Troll chasing her.

Troll
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? WHAT ARE DOING EATING MY PORRIDGE? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I'M GOING TO CATCH YOU AND EAT YOUR BRAINS RAW YOU UGLY LITTLE GIRL!!! (etc)

Esmerelda dives under the table and curls up into a fetal ball.

Esmerelda
Oh please don't eat me Mr. Troll I'm sorry I ate your porridge but I was lost and no one was home and I was so hungry like I mean really really hungry like just so totally, ravenously hungry, I might walk into some total stranger's house and eat their bowl of porridge, despite knowing my cousin Goldilocks has had some bad experiences with that and I'm really sorry and please don't eat my brains raw I'm sorry sorry sorry... .

Troll
ALL RIGHT all right, quit your blubbering. I won't eat you... YET!!

Esmerelda
Promise?

Troll
Yes, dammit. Come out from there.

She crawls out from under the table and stands up, looking sad and pathetic. The Troll hands her a tea towel.

Troll
Here. You've got porridge all over you.

Esmerelda
[sniff] Thank you.

Troll
Who are you?

Esmerelda
Esmerelda?

Troll
All right, Esmerelda, IF THAT'S YOUR REAL NAME, I'm going to do this by the book. My housekeeper doesn't like me eating humans, so I'll keep you here until she gets home. Maybe I can convince her to LET me eat you. You certainly deserve it.

Esmerelda
I'm sorry...

Troll
Shut up. In the meantime, I'll start preparing all the fixin's for a five course human dinner. Have a seat.

Esmerelda moves to sit on the window seat.

Troll
NOT THERE!!!

Esmerelda jumps and scurries over to the table.

Troll
That's where I keep my treasure.

Esmerelda
Treasure? You have a treasure?

Troll
Of course I have a treasure, you silly girl!! All trolls have treasures! We collect them by eating dwarves, ha ha ha... and it's a fine treasure, too, ... rubies, emeralds, gold, mutual funds, ... mmm, it makes me warm and tingly just thinking about it... Right! You sit there! I've got a sauce to make...

He busies himself in the kitchen as Esmerelda waits.

Meanwhile, Woodsman Bill is frantically searching the forest. He comes down the path, just as the pirates are gathering around their camp.

Woodsman Bill
Esmerelda! Esmerelda! Are you here? ... she must have come this way. Her footprints leading off the path went in this direction. Wait, there's somebody in that clearing...

He leaps into the pirate camp.

Woodsman Bill
Esmerelda? Oh, hello good fellows! Have you seen a girl, about so high, with long blonde hair and full ...

Captain
Avast, me hearties, what have we here? It's a woodsman who isn't afraid of pirates! Har har har!

Groin Pull & Toe Jam
Har har har! [etc]

Woodsman Bill
Oops... um, sorry, wrong clearing!

Captain
[drawing his sword] Not so fast, ye land lubbin' little rodent. Hand over yer wallet.

Woodsman Bill
I don't have a wallet!! Listen, you have to let me go! My dearest Esmerelda is in grave danger somewhere in this very forest!!

Toe Jam
In case you haven't noticed, so are you!

Woodsman Bill
Say, that's a nice mu-mu!

Toe Jam
Thank you!

Groin Pull
They're all the rage on the Spanish Main this year.

Captain
Stop it, ye fools! He's trying to distract us!

Bill pulls out his hatchet.

Woodsman Bill
A ha, now we're even!

Groin Pull and Toe Jam pull their swords.

Woodsman Bill
... or not.

There is a brief battle as Woodsman Bill attempts to fend off the pirates. However, the Pirate Captain clubs him on the head with the butt of his sword, and he falls to the ground unconscious.

Captain
Go through his pockets, men!

The henchmen rifle through Bill's pockets.

Groin Pull
He ain't got no money, Captain!

Toe Jam
But wait... look, condoms!!

Captain
Avast, laddie, ye hit the mother lode!! Those'll come in handy when we go to Surrey, eh boys? HAR HAR HAR! Alright then, we've given the Troll enough time... back to the cottage!!

Groin Pull & Toe Jam
TO THE COTTAGE!!

They dash off into the woods, leaving the unconscious Woodsman Bill behind.

Meanwhile, back at the cottage, Esmerelda is enjoying a glass of milk at the table while the Troll is busy in the kitchen.

Esmerelda
... and so I told her, no way, she'd never have said that to him, or not to his face anyways, but she was like, yeah she would. So I was just like, pff, whatever.

Troll
Do you go well with alfredo?

Esmerelda
Oh, no, I'm not going with anyone right now, although just this morning I did fall in love with this fabulous woodsman...

Troll
No, human, I meant for the sauce! Do you think your flesh would go well with alfredo?

Esmerelda
Oh, you mean the sauce? You're not seriously considering alfredo are you?

Troll
I like alfredo.

Esmerelda
I think I'm definitely more of a pesto person.

Troll
A pesto person?

Esmerelda
A pesto person. And have a white wine.

Troll
Of course, I'll have a white wine! What do you take me for, an American?

Esmerelda
Well you do remind me of Ross Perot a bit. . So what are you going to do with this sauce if your housekeeper says you can't eat me?

Troll
I've got tupperware...

The door bursts open and the Pirates storm in.

Captain
Avast, Troll! Give us yer treasure!

Toe Jam
Why do you keep saying "Avast"?

Captain
What?

Toe Jam
Every time you make an entrance or something, it's always "Avast, me hearties" or "Avast, ye scurvy dogs". Avast this, avast that. What's wrong with "Yo ho ho" or "Hey there"?

Captain
What?!! Shut up, ye mangy excuse for a plague rat!! We'll talk about this later, I'm busy now!!

Groin Pull
Oh, you're busy. That's just great. Whenever we have issues, you're always busy! You never have time for us.

Troll
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!

Captain
[to Troll] I'll deal with you in a minute. [to henchmen] Shut up, or I'll shut ye up me-self!! Are we here to get the Troll's treasure, or are we here to criticize my entrances?

Groin Pull & Toe Jam
THE TREASURE!!!

Captain
THEN SHUT UP!!!! Now then, Troll, hand over yer treasure or else?

Troll
Or else what, you pirate scum?

Captain
Or else... this!!

He pulls out a bottle of cough medicine.

Troll
AAAGH!! COUGH MEDICINE!!!!! KEEP IT AWAY!!

Esmerelda
You fiends!

Captain
That's enough outta ye, wench! Or it'll be the blade fer ye! The treasure, Troll, or ye'll be so pumped full o' codeine ye'll wilt like an accountant!!

Troll
Never!!

Captain
Then here it comes!!

Just then, Woodsman Bill leaps into the cottage.

Esmerelda
Woodsman Bill!

Woodsman Bill
Esmerelda!

Esmerelda
Stop the pirates! They've got cough medicine!!!

Woodsman Bill leaps at the Pirate Captain, knocking the bottle out of his hand. Mayhem ensues, as Bill, Esmerelda, and the Troll start brawling with the Pirates. After a much longer fight scene than is really necessary, Groin Pull and Toe Jam are violently subdued, and Woodsman Bill has the Pirate Captain by the collar. He pulls his fist back as if to strike him. The Director walks on stage and blows a whistle.

Director
Stunt double!!!! [exits]

The stunt double jumps up out of the audience and runs up on stage. He takes the Captain's place while the Captain steps off stage. Bill lets his fist fly, and knocks the stunt double flying dramatically back. The Captain then takes his place lying unconscious on the ground, and the stunt double walks off stage.

Esmerelda
Oh, Woodsman Bill!

Woodsman Bill
Esmerelda!

They embrace.

Woodsman Bill
Would you marry me, Esmerelda?

Esmerelda
Um, well, that might be very nice, Woodsman Bill, and I do love you terribly, but...

Woodsman Bill
You're afraid of commitment? I understand. We can slow down if you want.

Esmerelda
No, no, it's just that you smell like a week old dead cow.

Troll
[sounding alarmed] You're not going to make him bathe, are you? No man deserves that!!

Woodsman Bill
But I'll do it for you, Esmerelda! Just so we can live happily ever after!

Esmerelda
Oh, yes, Woodsman Bill, yes!

Troll
I'm going to vomit now!!

They separate.

Esmerelda & Woodsman Bill
Terribly sorry... [etc]

Troll
Hmf. Well, I'll tell you what. I'm very grateful and all that for what you two did. You saved my life, and most importantly, you saved my treasure. You can have... er... a tenth.

Esmerelda
Oh, Mr. Troll!

Woodsman Bill
Actually, you don't have to do that, Mr. Troll. You see, I'm not really a woodsman ... I'm actually the son of a wealthy Swiss industrialist, seeking happiness in the life of simple people...

Troll
Oh, thank God!! I was afraid you might accept for a minute!! Now get out of here, both of you, before my Housekeeper gets back. She'll have my balls on a platter when she sees this mess...

Esmerelda & Woodsman Bill
Good-bye Mr. Troll! Farewell!

They exit.

Troll
Right, farewell to you too! Don't ever come back! INVITE ME TO THE WEDDING!!

He looks around, surveying the mess and the scattered Pirate bodies.

Troll
Hmf. Now, I'm sure I have a recipe somewhere for Pirate Frontenac...

He starts picking up the bodies as the curtain falls.