Underpants Man Meets Hydrogen Guy!

~Steve-o's Note - A fan-fiction of sorts. Thanks to POTU for breaking the ice on the whole HG fan fic thing. This is a work of fan fiction and holds no actual relevance to the real story. No superheroes were harmed in the making of this story.

JIM's Note - I've added some footnotes - I just can't keep my big mouth shut.

He leaned back in the seat and floored it. He smiled to himself as the midnight purple Katherine Crocus slid across the brochure and onto the floor. Rocketing down Provincial Highway[1] 7 was just begging to be pulled over, but he thought he could pretend to be a dumb American and claim ignorance of the metric signs. He rubbed his forehead as he thought about the weeks that brought him here.

Noel Basset had loved the Liberal as much as anyone else in America. The Liberal stood tall and handsome as America's greatest superhero, fighting for truth, justice, and affirmative action. The Liberal fought crime and conservatism wherever he found it, and Noel idolized him for that. He was almost as powerful as the famed Hydrogen Guy, but he was even better because he was American. Like every youth in America, Noel wanted to be a superhero, just like the Liberal. Posters, newspaper clippings, and magazine interviews littered his walls.

Then, almost a month ago, like a gift from the goddess, it happened.

Noel was sitting on his bed, in his one-room apartment in Portland, reading the latest Liberal comic, when, for the thousandth time, he tried to levitate something in his room with his non-existent super powers. Only this time, he actually did. Like magic, Noel's white boxers stood up and walked across the room. Laughing like a child, Noel made the boxers dance, pirouetting lightly across the carpet. Still giddy, he turned to make his Darth Maul figurine fight his Qui Gon Jinn figure, only it didn't work. Confused, Noel lifted the boxers again, just to be sure. After several frustrating hours of experimentation, Noel sighed dejectedly and resigned himself to the stark fact that the only objects he could lift were his dirty pairs of underwear.

However, the next day, while walking to work, Noel made a woman's panties fall down around her ankles at a bus stop. Throughout the day he played with his new talent. He discovered that he could make undies cinch up, make them freeze in place so that the wearer couldn't walk, he could make bras leap from shirts, and he could deliver one hell of a wedgie. He also learned to soften his own underwear and use them to lift himself high in the air, effectively flying.

That same night, Noel lived his dream. He pulled on a pair of gray sweatpants and white T-shirt, then lifted a pair of "tighty whiteys" over the sweats. He completed the ensemble by tying a red towel around his neck as a cape and putting on a plastic "Lone Ranger" mask he'd had as a kid. The next morning, police were baffled, as they discovered no less than fourteen would-be muggers suspended from streetlights by the elastic of their underwear. The grateful victims Noel had saved offered glowing descriptions of him. Each one making him larger, stronger, and more handsome as they chatted with reporters.

Every night for the next two weeks, Noel went out and performed his heroic deeds. For the first few days, the news took to calling him "The Wedgie Vigilante." Then, in an ill-conceived attempt at humor, Joe Donlon called him "Underpants Man." A reporter for the Oregonian picked up the name, and soon he was officially considered Underpants Man, Portland's first superhero. The citizens of Portland loved him, and T-shirts and action figures bearing his likeness sold like hotcakes. Criminal-rights groups were outraged, claiming he affected a "brutal return to wild-west justice," but still he appeared at mall-openings, charity functions, and even made a public appearance with Mayor Katz and Chief Kroeker at a town watch meeting.

Then, just barely two weeks into his reign as the pre-eminent Pacific Northwest do-gooder, Noel found himself gasping for air in front of a television display at a Fred Meyers. There, on CNN for the entire world to see, was the Liberal, being dragged away in handcuffs by police. Noel listened numbly as the reporter droned on about the way the Liberal cheated the welfare system out of millions of dollars. Over the next few days, the tale got worse. The Liberal had recommended Lewinski for the job, had convinced Clinton to commit perjury, and might even have been involved in Whitewater. Several prominent Democrat politicians were implicated in the welfare scheme, and there was talk that Al Gore might lose the election because he had relied so heavily on an endorsement from the Liberal early in the campaign.

Noel was dumbfounded. He spent several days sitting in his apartment, just staring at the television. Then, one morning, he decided he had had enough and threw his few possessions into the back of his VW microbus and started driving. He didn't really know where he was heading, at least not consciously, but he knew he would find the answer when he got there.

He ended up in Victoria, British Columbia, where he spent a lovely day at the Butchart Gardens. He wandered around the town that afternoon, and spent the night at the Benvenuto Bed and Breakfast. He arose early the next morning, grabbed his "Underpants Man" costume, and hopped onto the Swartz Bay Ferry. Like liberals through time immemorial, he packed up his things and fled to Canada when things got tough and, also like liberals before him, he sought out a mentor in Canada and, even more like liberals in the past, he tried to convince himself that that was not what he was doing.

Once he reached Delta, he ditched the Microbus and rented the Mercury, it was the last car they had at the rental office, but Noel didn't care; it was large, comfortable, and, best of all, fast. Noel took off like a shot and blew threw Vancouver and Burnaby at a hefty speed. He kept reminding himself that he was just out for a nice drive[2], and even managed to ignore the "Maple Ridge" signs he kept seeing. And yet, as he stood staring at the clock with the robotic horse on top, he was finally able to admit to himself that he was looking for advice from Hydrogen Guy. But where to find him?

He drove around Maple Ridge for almost a half hour, up and down every street he could get to, looking for the great HG. Finally, he gave up and parked the cougar at the Haney Place Mall and walked around looking for a place to eat. As he sat in "Eva's 2 For 1 Pizza[3]," it hit him. Well, not actually him, but a car outside.

A huge metal I-beam dropped out of the sky and through the hood of a Mercedes, neatly pinning it to the ground. Noel ran to the street and looked up, wondering where the beam fell from. However, he didn't wonder long. High above him was a gigantic metal lobster, lumbering across the town of Maple Ridge. As it stepped over his head, Noel could see that it was actually thrown roughly together from whatever seemed handy; a large portion of the tail was made from the apparent remains of a BCTV news van.

The lobster slowly picked its way toward the mall, and Noel knew he had to act. Dodging the stomping feet, he raced to the parking lot and jumped into the Cougar. As quickly as he could, he changed into the Underpants Man costume and ran back out. Just as he was ready to face the monster, a taxi[4] screeched into the parking lot and stopped between him and the metal behemoth. The door opened and a masked clown with a ponytail jumped out. A moment later, Hydrogen Guy himself leapt from the taxi's interior, and Noel realized his mistake; the man in the funny costume wasn't a clown, he was Deuterium Boy, HG's sidekick.

"Stop Crustacean!" HG yelled. "I'm wearing my Bib of Right and I'm prepared to crack your shell open and smother you in the hot buttery sauce of Justice!"

"He worked on that one for weeks," DB muttered to Noel as an aside.

"He should have kept working on it," Noel replied. "It wasn't done yet."

"How droll, Hydrogen Guy," a booming metallic voice from the head of the robot-lobster said. "I knew that making a move on the mall would get your attention. And now, I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago."

"And what's that?" HG shouted back.

"I'm going to sick a dozen or so thugs on you and let them beat you to a pulp," the Crustacean replied. "Gentlemen!"

"Oh, puh-leez." HG said and a group of obscenely muscled, neckless goons materialized from between the parked cars. DB fingered a metal half-ring that was hanging from his waist in anticipation of the coming fight.

Just then, a "Gator Pest Control" van pulled up and a gorgeous blonde hopped out, followed by a humongous square-jaw in fatigues.

"Sorry we're late, HG," the blonde said. Noel's eyes were drawn to her chest and he noticed the letters "He" emblazoned there. Helium. Helium Girl.

"Oh, not to worry," HG replied nonchalantly. "We didn't start without you."

The toughs paused for a moment, unsure of this new development.

"Don't just stand there!" the lobster bellowed. "Get them!"

At that point, it was just like the Sweet song[5]. Bodies plowed into each other, thug after thug sailing through the air. Deuterium Boy swung his metal rings around, alternating between slashing with the edges and bashing with the hilts, Hydrogen Guy thrusted and parried with the Ruler, Helium Girl was floating a few inches in the air, posed like Ralph Macchio in the "Karate Kid" and delivering "Crane Kicks" with vicious effectiveness, and Chuck War swung his great ham-fists with thudding accuracy.

Noel stood in awe, watching as HG and his friends dispatched the goons. He didn't notice, however, that another group of muscles had circled around the foursome and were now attacking in a pincer move. One of them looped his arms over Helium Girl's elbows and pinned her arms behind her back. A thug with a knife started to make a move toward her and Noel acted. Helium Girl's blouse burst open, and her bra wrapped itself around the goon's face. Seizing the moment, she delivered a nasty boot-tip-kick to his groin, and then took off straight into the air, dragging the surprised goon behind her along for the ride.

As Hydrogen Guy bent forward to deliver a powerful up-shot with the Ruler of Elendil, another tough raised his bat to attack him from behind. Noel grabbed the jockeys of the goon in front of HG and pulled him over Hydrogen Guy's shoulder and into the attacking goon. The effect was that, to all appearances, Hydrogen Guy shoved the ruler into the thug's guts, lifted him into the air, and threw him over his shoulder into another goon that he didn't even see. Deuterium Boy was so impressed that he just stood, looking at HG, who shrugged and continued attacking toughs.

"Stop!" boomed the Crustacean's voice again. The hired muscle immediately backed away. A long metallic hose with some sort of crystal at the end protruded from between the robot-lobster's mandibles. "Do you know what this is Hydrogen Guy?"

"Um," HG said. "One of Doc Octopus' arms?"

"Does the phrase 'Banderas Crystal' mean anything to you?"

"Yes," Hydrogen Guy replied. "Isn't that the crystal that was in the meteor that brained that actor[6]?"

"Very good," the Crustacean replied. "Since my scientists 'liberated' it, I've had a quite an enjoyable time experimenting with it."

"So you found a cure for cancer then?"

"Ah, I will miss your wit when you are dead. No. What we discovered is that any photons projected through it end up vibrating at 1420 megahertz."

"Yes then," Hydrogen Guy said, rubbing his chin. "I can see why you brought it to me."

"Oh, I plan on doing more than just showing it to you," the Crustacean said with a disturbing lilt to his voice. "I'm going to fire it at you. Now, I'm not sure what it will do to you. But I'm willing to take the risk that it will be something nasty."

"Well, you have to catch me first," HG added.

At just that moment, a pair of goons tackled Deuterium Boy to the ground and started beating on him with pipes. Hydrogen Guy turned away from the lobster for a split second, but it was all the time the Crustacean needed. The beam fired, catching HG off guard. Noel saw the laser fire and reached out to grab HG's underwear with his mind, but he was too late. A spray of greenish light rained down on HG's left arm, which immediately burst into flames. Noel picked HG up with his mind and flung him into a fountain.

Turning quickly, he lifted Chuck War into the air and deposited him on top of the robot-lobster. Then, he noticed that a new opponent had appeared. A large creature, resembling a panda that had had all of its hair ripped out in clumps, was making its way toward the fountain as Hydrogen Guy was climbing out. HG looked up and saw the beast bearing down on him and raised his right hand in defense. Noel's mind reached inside the creature's hakama and grabbed it's underwrapping, then threw it through the air, toward the mall.

Hydrogen Guy looked at his hand, shrugged, and staggered to his feet, cradling his burned left arm against his stomach. An explosion caught Noel's attention, and he looked up to see Chuck War leaping from the top of the robot-lobster. Slithering trails of smoke coiled up from its back, and, moments before it exploded, an escape pod blasted out of the top and off into the distance.

As Chuck War swung from a tree branch and landed on the ground, another explosion shook the robot-lobster's frame. Stinging bits of molten metal rained down. Suddenly, Noel noticed a piece of plating fall from the underside of the machine and plummet straight toward a dazed Hydrogen Guy! Quickly, Noel grabbed an image of the plate and locked it in his mind, trying very hard to convince himself that it was the robot-lobster's underwear. A tremendous clang embodied Noel's failure to keep the plating aloft. Cautiously, almost painfully, Noel opened his eyes. There, standing in front of the fountain, was Hydrogen Guy, the metal plating bent into a perfect arch over his head.

Hydrogen Guy, still clutching his hand, glanced at the arch above him.

"I don't know how I did that," He said, "But I gotta practice that one at home."

"I'll throw metal plates at you so you can do that," DB said, coming over and helping HG to the exterminator's van. Chuck War put his arm around HG's other side and together they started leading him away from the fountain. Removing his mask, Noel started making his way over to Hydrogen Guy, calling out.

"Sorry son," War said, holding up one of his monstrous hands to stop Noel. "No autographs right now."

"Hold it," HG said, bending forward. When he came back up, he had the Banderas crystal in his right hand. "I think I better take this with me."

The three of them piled into the van and took off. Noel shook his head and walked over to the Cougar. As he inserted the key in the driver's door, a body slammed into, and through the hood. Looking up, Noel spotted Helium Girl floating above him.

"They left without me again!" she pouted, then took off through the air after the van.

Noel laughed, then looked at the wreck of his car. Well, he reminded himself, it wasn't really his, it was just a rental. Chuckling softly, he told himself that the Cougar was the underpants of the automotive industry. As if the car had heard him, it shot twenty feet into the air, then slammed into the blacktop. Laughing full force now, Noel made his way back to Provincial Highway 7 to hitchhike a ride back to Vancouver. Maybe his Microbus was still there.

JIM's Smart-Ass Footnotes

[1] Or as we locals say, "the Lougheed Highway".

[2] Sounds like he's on a mission to Mission! HA HA! Hey, he keeps this up and he'll be beyond Hope! HA HA HA!! Ahhh... regional humour, folks. Sorry.

[3] Call for free delivery, (604) 467-2444.

[4] I give them all these ways to get around - the De Broglie boards, the Tritium Truck, ZOLTAN, the Hydrogen Ducts - and he has them take a TAXI???

[5] i.e., it turned into a Ballroom Blitz.

[6] Wishful thinking, ~Steve-o?

[7] With this kind of press, I can see why DB gets cranky!