I'm going in there.

Are you sure that's a good idea?
No. I'm pretty sure it's a horrible idea. But I'm getting worried.
It has been awfully quiet in there...
It's been two days, and nothing. No typing, no moaning, wailing or gnashing of teeth...
Maybe he's knocked himself unconscious again by banging his head on the floor... Or he's stuck under the exercise wheel.
Well, his food's still disappearing.
Maybe he's just found a really good porn site.
Pass me the dart gun.
Are you sure it's enough?
Thanks. I'm a good shot, and it should only take one. Are you going to stick around?
Yeah, but I'll stay behind the door, thanks.
Coward. Okay, here goes... Hi Jim! I just thought I'd stop in and see how the paper was --
WAGGA WAGGA! Hyperfine electric field gradient tensor! Local distortion environments! Quadrupole splitting distributions!
Look out, he's got a quantum mechanics text! In hard-cover!
Monoclinic point group symmetry! Ab initio electronic structure calculations! WAGGA WAGGA WAGGA!

THWACK! THWACK!

Auurrggrl...
It's all right, you can come in now.
He's worse off than I thought. Is he hurt?
Just knocked out. He'll have a hangover when he wakes up.
What a mess this place is, there's paper everywhere... Look, he's made himself a nest out of review articles.
Watch where you step, I think I just knocked over a cup of cold tea.
Are you sure that's tea?
...
It's so sad. Nine times out of ten, when a graduate student goes feral, they're from the physics department. Something should be really be done.
They don't have it so bad, really. They've got computers to play with, plenty of textbooks to colour in and papers for their beds. And it's not like they're chained to a lab bench all the time, or forced out into inhospitable climates for weeks at a time counting beetles. They're treated all right, it's the lack of variety that does it.
It's being cooped up with physicists all the time. They're unsocialized, it'd drive anybody batty.
Well, yes, but they're kind, in their own way. Just the other day I saw the department chair stop outside an M.Sc. student's hutch and give her a piece of lettuce.
Look, over here, there's a clear spot on the desk!
So there is! ... Hey, look at these. Are those... ?
Final drafts! I'll be damned, he's finished those articles! That's why he stopped typing!
I never thought he'd do it... heh, these are actually pretty good. This first one's half coherent, I can make out some English sentences.
It's good enough for peer review.
Sure is. Well, we'd better get him to the vet. Once he wakes up, he'll have to be deprogrammed to re-enter society. Grab his articles, and I'll get the janitors to divert a river through here or something.
Hey, what's this... There's some more papers underneath.
Are they references?
No... "The Files of Hydrogen Guy, episodes 101 to 110"... "Galactic Customs" ... "Salad Barbarian Crossover" ... "The Troll Who Read Nietzsche"... what is all this stuff?
...bbbllpppt...
Hurry up, he's starting to come to!
What should I do with this stuff?
I don't care, chuck it in the recycling or something. Give me a hand with him before he starts getting frisky.
Right, sorry. Oof, he's heavy! Aren't feral grad students supposed to be gaunt and malnourished?
Not when their diet consist of pizza, beer and Fudgee-o's. Don't worry about those other papers. While he's recovering, we'll send some undergrads to sort through everything for the useful references, then burn everything else. He'll probably thank us for it.
Good idea. The last thing a student trying to finish a Ph.D. wants to worry about is housecleaning.
...greatfeynamnghost...
That's right, Jimbo. Don't worry about a thing. You're in good hands.
Hey, doesn't he need another three course credits before he graduates?

Shh. You'll give him nightmares.