Episode 99 3/4
...from the Files of Hydrogen Guy
MAPLE RIDGE, BRITISH COLUMBIA: NIGHT. A hush has descended on the Hydrogen Cave, as Deuterium Boy hunches over a small piece of electronic equipment. Jaw clenched, eyes feverish, his fingers dart back and forth and small animalistic yelps burst from between his pursed lips. His concentration is absolute.
Suddenly, from behind:
HYDROGEN GUY
Hey there, DB!
Deuterium BOY executes a perfect spit-take - which is more difficult than you might think, especially when you aren't drinking anything - and spins in his chair to greet Hydrogen Guy. He only half-glances up, still fiddling with the device in his hands.
HYDROGEN GUY
You just spat on your Game Brat.
DEUTERIUM BOY
I was just retooling it into an anti-hydrogen detector. I know the stuff is rare, but it never hurts to be safe -
Deuterium Boy gets a good look at Hydrogen Guy, and his expression of irritated concentration turns to one of ashen horror.
DEUTERIUM BOY
GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
For what greets DB is not the Hydrogen Guy of yore. It is obviously the same Jim Evans beneath the garb - the flashing steel-blue eyes, heroic posture and enthralling basso voice attest to that - but the Hydrogen Guy known and beloved by Maple Ridgians has undergone a radical change of clothing.
HYDROGEN GUY
[oozing modesty] Oh, I decided it was time to update the outfit a little. The tie was a pretty impractical crime-fighting accessory, and dress shoes aren't always best for outdoor or cold-weather adventuring, you know?
DEUTERIUM BOY
You look like you were on the receiving end of a bad scrap with the Doom Tailor.
HYDROGEN GUY
Jealousy befits no one, DB.
Hydrogen Guy takes a moment to glance down and admire his new clothing. He is decked out in leather from head to toe - high-ankled boots, pants, and a leather jacket over a tight t-shirt. The leather - all of it - is a uniform robin's-egg blue, with a large "H" on the left breast of the jacket and an equally large "G" on the right. The traditional bandanna is also gone, replaced with a pair of sleek aerodynamic black sunglasses.
HYDROGEN GUY
I happen to think I look very "street".
DEUTERIUM BOY
You look like the north-east corner of S&M Avenue and Bondage Boulevard.
HYDROGEN GUY
DB, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to face the times. The days of fighting crime in respectable business attire and a jaunty bandanna are over, friend. If we're to continue to strike fear into the hearts of criminals and mentally overdeveloped shellfish, we have to stay on the cusp.
DEUTERIUM BOY
HG, we've never struck "fear" as much as "eyebrow-raising whimsy", and we've never been "on the cusp" as much as "gazing at the cusp from across the room like a jilted fourteen-year-old at a soc hop".
Hydrogen Guy crosses the room to take a look at the Game Brat DB has been tinkering with.
HYDROGEN GUY
In the olden days, chum, a hero would be entitled to set his sidekick straight with the rule of thumb. Thankfully for you, we live in more enlightened times.
DEUTERIUM BOY
Being wrapped in dead cow-flesh is having an adverse effect on your brain, HG.
HYDROGEN GUY
So what's with the Game Brat?
Deuterium Boy flips the unit over to reveal a series of new blinking LEDs and a small backlit display screen.
DEUTERIUM BOY
Well, it like you're playing Tetris, but really you're scanning the area for anti-hydrogen particles. If the unit detects them - why don't you have a seat and I'll explain in detail?
HYDROGEN GUY
[discomfited] I...uh...can't.
DEUTERIUM BOY
Afraid to scuff your gluteus maxima, HG?
HYDROGEN GUY
No. These pants are form-fitting, see, and if I sit I'm afraid...
DEUTERIUM BOY
...of giving the world a glimpse of your Hydrogen Briefs?
HYDROGEN GUY
It has more to do with chafing.
DEUTERIUM BOY
You hath murdered sleep for the next six to eight weeks.
HYDROGEN GUY
So this Game Brat thing: essentially, you play Tetris and it detects anti-hydrogen.
DEUTERIUM BOY
On the nose.
HYDROGEN GUY
Which is very, very, very, rare.
DEUTERIUM BOY
You got it.
HYDROGEN GUY
And you continually play Tetris on the off one-in-a-million chance that a stray particle of anti-hydrogen might wander along, borne on a Maple Ridge breeze.
DEUTERIUM BOY
Can't have it sneaking up on us, now.
HYDROGEN GUY
Riiiiiiiight.
DEUTERIUM BOY
Hey, it's more productive than spending my time getting my buttocks buffed.
Hydrogen Guy turns in place, glancing behind him.
HYDROGEN GUY
The designer said they "gleamed heroically". Can a butt gleam heroically, do you think?
DEUTERIUM BOY
I'm going to recite every infomercial I watch during the next several thousand sleepless nights back to you in excruciating detail, you know.
Suddenly, the air is rent with an unearthly ear-shattering shriek, and both DB and HG clap their hands over their ears.
HYDROGEN GUY
GOOD...GOD...WHAT...IS...THAT...DIN?
DEUTERIUM BOY
I...WAS...UPGRADING...THE...HYDROGEN...THREAT-O-METER!
Deuterium Boy struggles to a large dial, apparently purloined from an old General Electric washing machine, on one of the Hydrogen Cave control panels.
DEUTERIUM BOY
LET...ME...SWITCH...TO...THE...RANDOM...PHRASE...GENERATOR!
DB throws a switch, and the howling suddenly stopped, to be replaced by a large, metallic and booming voice, like James Earl Jones speaking through a long line of Spaghetti-O's cans.
THREAT-O-METER
I would very much like to see the slides of your liver operation but first I must go and hack my head into tiny pieces with my comb.
HYDROGEN GUY
DB, what exactly do you with your spare time?
DEUTERIUM BOY
This was Doug's idea, actually. Has to do with either holistic crime-fighting or determining the true name of God. I'm not sure which.
THREAT-O-METER
Hand me the jump leads, the chickens have escaped.
HYDROGEN GUY
So what does it mean?
DEUTERIUM BOY
It analyzes calls on the Maple Ridge police band and parses them into randomly created phrases. You can gauge the threat level or nature of any crisis by the volume of the siren - which we turned off - or by analyzing the threat-analogue algorithms of the phrase generator, which is the current alarm setting.
THREAT-O-METER
My drink is getting lonely. Would you like to join me with yours?
HYDROGEN GUY
"What does it mean, he asked again, fatigue beginning to settle into his voice".
DEUTERIUM BOY
Let me listen.
Deuterium Boy cocks his head and listens attentively to the Threat-O-Meter.
THREAT-O-METER
There must be a million sequins on that dress! How it glitters in the twilight!
DEUTERIUM BOY
Hmm. I think there's trouble at the old mill.
THREAT-O-METER
Quebec wild blueberries must meet stringent quality standards as well as being raised exclusively in the province's boreal region.
HYDROGEN GUY
And how, perchance, are you discerning that?
Deuterium Boy pulls a small earplug out of his ear.
DEUTERIUM BOY
I'm plugged into the police band with this transceiver. Doug's great and all, but I have no idea how this thing actually works. Shall we?
THE OLD MILL, MAPLE RIDGE, BRITISH COLUMBIA - NIGHT. The Old Mill was once the engine of the Maple Ridge economy, sitting at the edge of Maple Ridge Bluff, feeding from the hydro power of the mighty Maple Ridge Falls. After the advent of hydroelectricity, however, the Old Mill fell into first disuse, then disrepair, and has become, in recent years, known among the criminal element as a great place to meet, hide out, or settle scores. As Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy arrive, the Old Mill is surrounded by police cruisers, lights flashing to beat the band.
Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, getting out of the Hydrogen Car, approach Police Constable Humbert.
HYDROGEN GUY
Constable Humbert. What's the situation?
CONSTABLE HUMBERT
Deuterium Boy! And...uh...Fetish Man! Glad you're joining out little shindig.
HYDROGEN GUY
[sputtering] FETISH MAN??
DEUTERIUM BOY
That's my partner, Constable.
CONSTABLE HUMBERT
Your lifestyle choices are your own, Deuterium Boy, and far be it from me to cast aspersions. We have a few no-goodniks holed up in the Old Mill. Seems they got in a bit of a donnybrook with some other wee rascals and high-tailed it up to here until the heat cooled down. Begorra, it'll be a cold day in Hades before these miscreants get away with takin' the measure of the Maple Ridge Police.
HYDROGEN GUY
Are you using a special phrasebook or something?
DEUTERIUM BOY
Don't get waspish, HG. Let's slip around the back.
Deuterium Boy and Hydrogen Guy tiptoe around to the back of the mill, hidden under cover of night. Tentatively pushing the back door of the mill open, they hear...
THUG #1
Do youse t'ink da cops are gonna bust in here?
THUG #2
I will fills dem rats fulla lead.
THUG #3
Yonda lies the castle of my fodda.
THUG #1
Shaddup, Tony.
HYDROGEN GUY
[whispering] DB! What is this, Stereotype Night at the Tiki Lounge?
DEUTERIUM BOY
[whispering] Let's get this over with, HG.
Hydrogen Guy steps out into the dim light of the Old Mill.
HYDROGEN GUY
Give it up, you Bronx-talkin' baddies!
The THUGS are obviously surprised and awed by the sudden appearance of Hydrogen Guy.
THUG #1
Cheese it, boys! It's The Hug!
THUG #2
The Hug? Mudda a Gawd!
THUG #3
We must flee da powa of da Hug!
The three Thugs flee out the front of the Old Mill, straight into the waiting arms of the police.
CONSTABLE HUMBERT
I don't know how you did that, Deuterium Boy, Fetish Man, but thanks all the same.
THUG #1
Don't let him hug us, offica! Dat dere is da Hug!
HYDROGEN GUY
I have no intention of hugging anyone.
CONSTABLE HUMBERT
I understand how you might be savin' your affection for that... special someone, me lad.
Constable Humbert nods meaningfully at Deuterium Boy.
DEUTERIUM BOY
TEN THOUSAND sleepless nights await me.
CONSTABLE HUMBERT
Like I said, your personal life ain't none of me beeswax, begorrah and blarney to ye.
As Hydrogen Guy splutters and fumes, Constable Humbert and the rest of the police drive away, Thugs locked safely in the back of the car.
HYDROGEN GUY
I know what you're going to say, and I am not listening.
DEUTERIUM BOY
I wasn't going to say anything.
HYDROGEN GUY
Good.
DEUTERIUM BOY
Hard day? Need a hug?
HYDROGEN GUY
Let's just go.
MAPLE RIDGE, BRITISH COLUMBIA: MORNING. A television burbles cheerfully as Hydrogen Guy, in his guise as Jim Evans - or is that the other way around? -- prepares to sip his first cup of tea that day, while watching the morning news, when...
NEWS REPORTER
...gave themselves up shortly thereafter. Maple Ridge Gazette reporter Lola Lakefront-Property has been following the story for her newspaper, and joins us now. Lola?
LOLA LAKEFRONT-PROPERTY
Thank you, Jebediah. Well, it seems a new hero is in town - or is it the migration of an old one? Deuterium Boy, nominally the sidekick of Maple Ridge fixture Hydrogen Guy, has been seen in the company of a Bronx-based hero called The Hug. Traditionally more of a "midnight avenger", The Hug is known among residents of the Big Apple as a leather-garbed, sexually-ambiguous dispenser of not only martial justice but firm embraces, often leading to arrestees complaining of "inappropriate touching".
Jim does his own spit-take, spewing coffee over a console and the controls for the Threat-O-Meter. The Threat-O-Meter LEDs begin to flash.
LOLA LAKEFRONT-PROPERTY
Or is this the famous Hug? As of early yesterday evening, the leather-laden lothario was seen prowling the brownstones of the Bronx, and it seems implausible that he would have travelled all the way to humble Maple Ridge just to track down some minor-league members of the Bowery Brigade.
THREAT-O-METER
While plaid is generally denigrated in fashion circles, it can under the right circumstances be quite flattering to those with portly figures.
JIM
God grant DB is nowhere near a television right now...
Suddenly the Hydrogen Phone begins to ring.
JIM
I shall have my revenge, God. Oh yes, I shall.
LOLA LAKEFRONT-PROPERTY
If this isn't the Hug, however, who is the new fetish fan hanging with our beloved Deuterium Boy? And can criminals expect even swifter and more...unsettling... justice than our own Hydrogen Guy could provide? Lola Lakefront-Property, Maple Ridge Gazette.
THREAT-O-METER
Porcelain has been known to reject most stains, but if red wine is allowed to sit it can --
JIM
Shut up! [into the phone] Dave?
The smirk in David Marcolin's voice is practically distorting the receiver.
DAVID
Hello...Hug.
JIM
There's a free Carffee for whoever shuts up right now.
DAVID
No Carffee could ever taste this sweet. A case of Carffee, however...
THREAT-O-METER
We build our desks using high-grade particle board with a fine oak veneer.
DAVID
...what was that?
JIM
I spilled some tea on the Threat-O-Meter and it's going wild.
THREAT-O-METER
Transliteration can cause some wide variations (such as Qadafi, Khadaffi, etc. for the leader of Libya).
DAVID
But it's in a waterproof casing! Something else must be setting it off!
JIM
...oh.
DAVID
Let me listen...
THREAT-O-METER
His wanderlust led him on an unlikely journey from a small town in Alabama, around the world, and back again.
DAVID
Jim! I'm still new at this, but I think it's detecting something in the Cave!
JIM
Such as that man standing by the entrance?
THREAT-O-METER
Then we lovingly pour a layer of chocolate over that creamy caramel.
JIM
I'll call you back.
Jim hangs up the phone and switches the Threat-o-Meter off and turns to face the intruder. It's an average-looking man of middling height, athletic, with penetrating brown eyes and five o'clock shadow. He is dressed in street clothes and a grey duster, and is glowering at Jim.
JIM
I'm impressed. Most people can't penetrate our security.
STRANGER
I'm not most people. And most people...
The stranger tosses an identicard, which Jim catches.
STRANGER
...don't have USHA backing.
JIM
The Hug, I presume.
THE HUG
The rumours are true. You CAN read.
Jim ignores the jibe.
JIM
Nobody in the USHA or the League of Heroes has ever mentioned you.
THE HUG
I'm reserve. Deep reserve. They don't approve of my...methods.
JIM
Uh-huh.
The Hug takes a few quick steps forward. Jim retreats almost as quickly.
THE HUG
My theory is that criminals often come from bad homes. That they turn to crime as a form of attention, a way to get the notoriety they crave because of the attention they lack. So I try to combine my discipline with a little old-fashioned TLC, Hydrogen Guy. We call ourselves heroes, but amidst all this hitting...where is the hugging? Where is the love?
The Hug has struck a dramatic pose in the middle of the Hydrogen Cave, fists clenched, staring at the ceiling, frozen in place.
JIM
You're not about to break into song, are you?
THE HUG
How's that?
JIM
Never mind. I'm surprised that the League told you this much about me.
THE HUG
Identity preservation is a serious thing in the hero community. If there were six dozen Hugs running around the continent, how would that reflect on my work? And what if one of them started killing people or something? After justice, branding is every smart hero's #1 concern.
JIM
Recent events have certainly reinforced that on this end. For what it's worth...
THE HUG
No need to explain, Hydrogen Guy. It's a common problem. You should have seen the debacle that I got into when I burst onto the scene back in '87, with a big HUG on my chest and some flamboyant headgear. Hasty Urgent Guy almost had an aneurysm.
JIM
Problem is, I'm sort of attached to the new gear...
The Hug spreads his arms wide and starts advancing on Jim.
THE HUG
Well, we can always fall back on the traditional methods and have a good ole scrap over it. You look like you could use some affection, H-Guy.
Jim backs up until he is practically crawling up the wall.
JIM
On the other hand, I have begun to suspect that my new clothes are actually a psychotic alien symbiote, so good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
Jim walks to a closet and, pulling out the powder-blue leather outfit in a suit bag, hands it to The Hug.
JIM
Take good care of her. Only worn once, you know.
THE HUG
You're a real gentleman. Shake on it?
Jim extends his hand and tentatively gives The Hug a handshake.
THE HUG
That's good enough for me. Well, I have to be off. There are miscreants who need to know that somebody really cares.
JIM
It's been an experience.
THE HUG
So as far as the world knows, I just swung down here in my new threads and gave my old pal Dee-Bee a hand with the Bowery Boys. Rightyo?
JIM
Works for me.
With a jaunty wave, The Hug departs, just as Deuterium Boy appears behind Jim.
DEUTERIUM BOY
Who was that? Is everything all right?
JIM
AHH! Where'd you come from?!
DEUTERIUM BOY
Back entrance. I thought you could use back-up.
JIM
Everything's fine, DB. I just need to make a phone call.
Jim strides to the Hydrogen Phone and starts punching in a phone number.
DEUTERIUM BOY
Who're you calling? Chuck War? League of Heroes?
JIM
The local Carffee warehouse distributor. I'm buying you a 200-gallon keg to install in the Cave. All I ask for is your silence.
Deuterium Boy slings his arm over Jim's shoulder.
DEUTERIUM BOY
HG, this could be the beginning of a very jittery and caffeine-addled friendship.
JIM
Shut up.