Prologue

Year 3p

In a pocket-space full of ancient beings with nearly unlimited control over reality, the one word you don't want to hear, above almost any other, is "oops".

The pocket-space we are in is called the Manifold, and the ancient beings with nearly unlimited control over reality are called the Maachen (often translated as "Mages"). Oodles of millions of years ago, they were a cabal of mortal engineers / philosophers / wizards who ruled our Galaxy with benevolently titanium fists; but things eventually went wrong, and they took the only natural way out for deposed dictators with a command over time and space and escaped into a miniature universe of their own creation, where they've lived ever since. Watching over their successors in the name of truth and justice, some would say, or waiting for their chance to come back and take over again, according to others.

One way or the other, the Manifold exists, and the Maachen exist inside it, and they still keep an omniscient third eye peeled on events in the Galaxy. Especially on certain planets (like ours, naturally), and over the last ten years.

It's impossible to describe the Manifold in a way that makes sense to creatures like us, since it's a highly non-linear, subjective reality, described better with very advanced mathematics than human language. Try to imagine watching 37 different movies all projected onto the same screen at once through a rapidly-changing kaleidoscopic colour filter, underwater, just after having ingested hallucinogenic mushrooms and a very strong espresso, with the whole theatre travelling at 99% of the speed of light, and on fire. A Manifold inhabitant would find that scenario pretty tame. I will try to describe events in the Manifold in a very general way, as if they had occurred in a normal, objective, linear Riemannian space, with the understanding that it's only a model, a bad analogy like the one above.

In one corner of the Manifold there is a room, something like an office, with a chair, and a desk, and a computer. You might imagine that this is a kind of realm of Platonic forms, and this is The Desk, and The Chair, and The Computer, of which all the chairs and desks and computers in our universe are but pale shadows. A relatively young being, one of whose many names was Ken, sat at The Desk, in The Chair, futzing around on The Computer. His position was something like that of a summer intern – The Platonic Summer Intern, if you will – and he was trying to upgrade some software when the fatal "Oops" escaped his lips.

He said it softly, and even so there was no-one in the room to hear him say it. But it doesn't help when everyone around you, including your boss, is omniscient; and it helps even less when the "oops" is immediately followed by a small space-quake.

Ken's boss, and Ken's boss's boss, and a small gaggle of lookers-on, immediately materialized behind The Chair.

"What did you just do?" Ken's boss barked directly next to his ear, making Ken twitch like the fabric of spacetime had picoseconds before.

Ken's boss was a being known variously as N, or Ned, or, back when giant sloths were still Earth's dominant species, Noffras; a being known for his flamboyance and sarcasm, but which you did not want to make angry. Ken was nervous around him during his good centuries.

"Sir! I, uh, I think – " Ken's fingers galloped across The Keyboard as he tried to figure out exactly what he had done. As powerful as his intellect was, he was suddenly finding it hard to think clearly. "I was trying to upgrade – I mean, I'd installed the, uh – there was a driver conflict, I think? And part of the continuity file was overwritten and I, uh –"

He stared for a nanosecond at The Computer Screen. "Uh, I think I just deleted a star from the time stream..."

A murmur washed over the onlookers as they each took a look for themselves out into the Galaxy. Ken's boss's boss was the first to see it, and he nodded.

"Indeed, he has," said Z.

Z (or Zed, or one of countless other names) was ancient even among the Maachen, a being so old that even Time Itself probably resented his continuing existence by now, as if It had any say in the matter. Imagine him as a stereotypical wise old wizard, with a long white beard and flowing robes covered in strange symbols; that's the sort of image he had among his colleagues.

"A core star?" said N, his voice rising. "From the densest region of the Galaxy?" Many onlookers started sidling away from him, and one or two vanished altogether.

"Um, yes, sir," said Ken. "I'm sorry! I'll try to put it back – "

"No!" Z interjected. Ken looked up in confusion, not used to hearing the anxious tone in Z's voice; N turned his annoyance on the ancient.

"Any attempt to restore it may make the situation worse," Z continued. "First we need to find out what changes have been wrought."

"Well, we're still here," said N. "So it obviously wasn't the Home star. Though it could very easily have been!"

"It appears," said Z, several seconds later, after having a long look at the continuum, "that the star's absence has not caused any major difficulties. It never develops planets, nor plays a significant role in the history of sentient beings; it seems as though, being located in such a densely populated region, its presence or absence simply averages out over the long term."

The others considered this, and then nodded in agreement. "I would suggest," Z continued, turning to the crowd, "that you each carefully examine your own projects, to ensure that this is indeed the case. You, young Ken, I advise to go at once to L's precinct. He is a specialist in galactic continuity, and can assist in a full analysis."

"Yes, sir," said Ken, sheepishly. Z patted him on the shoulder reassuringly.

"You are exceedingly lucky," said N, glaring at The Computer. "Unreasonably so. If this ever happens again, my friend, you will be next. Am I clear?"

"Yes, sir!" echoed Ken, more forcefully this time.

"Now go!"

Ken vanished immediately.

The rest of the crowd was starting to disperse as well, and those who seemed inclined to hang around to witness the aftermath quickly changed their minds with a glare from N. In a few seconds, only Z and N remained.

"Idiot kid," growled N.

"Don't be too hard on him. We all make errors, no matter how omniscient we are."

"This is no mere error. This is quite possibly a screw-up of unheard of proportions. Who knows what effects on the continuity of history deleting a star might have? If that boy's ruined any critical projects through his carelessness – "

"My friend, you still need to relax."

"With all due respect, Zed, I don't think you're treating this seriously enough!"

"Oh, I agree with you, this may be very serious. After all, it is usually the little ripples that start a storm, and not the tsunamis. But if these little ripples exist, L will find them. And, as you pointed out earlier, we are still here."

"All right."

"The boy's had a good scare put into him. By you, and probably by L. He won't be so careless again... And I don't have to remind you about your own galaxy-shattering incidents of carelessness, do I?"

"No, of course not... Very well. But I will have the boy's pineal glands on a stick if he's ruined our plans."

"And what about our plans, Ned?" Z smiled. "I perceive that events surrounding the Elementals are about to accelerate, somewhat?"

"Yes." N grinned, not altogether pleasantly; then again, he could just have been out of practice. "I'm going to drop news of the girl on our dear Hydrogen Guy immediately, as a matter of fact, and I don't see that he'll have any choice but to take her in."

"Is this necessary, do you think?"

"It's preferable," said N. "And, of course, it's more fun this way."

"I might accuse you of not taking this seriously enough; but I know that's not true. Besides that, I've noticed that what amuses you tends to make the Elementals stronger."

"Oh, it's always for their benefit, my dear Zed, nothing else."

"Mm-hm."

"Very well. I'm off to Earth. Feel free to terrorise Ken as much as you like to get this mess straightened around."

"I'm sure that won't be necessary."

"Cheerio!" N waved, and vanished. Z smiled to himself and waved back at the empty air, then turned and left the room the old fashioned way, by the door.

He was a traditionalist, and enjoyed walking.

It was around eight thirty in the evening on a cold, wet day in the city of Maple Ridge. Hydrogen Guy was alone in the Cave; he'd left the University an hour and a half before, had a quick diner at his apartment, then headed for the Hydrogen Cave to change for the evening's patrol. His partners, Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl, had yet to arrive. They usually showed up just a few minutes before (or in Helium Girl's case, after) the scheduled time, having various extra-curricular commitments to get out of the way before stalking the city for crime and villainy. Hydrogen Guy's life was simpler by comparison – particularly where the opposite sex was concerned – and once dinner was finished, he had nothing to keep him.

He sat on the couch in almost-full costume – his hat sat on cushion beside him, and he wore a pair of well-broken-in carpet slippers – and sipped a hot chocolate contentedly. He'd just prepared it with the Cave's own milk steamer. Since the start of the winter, it'd turned into a ritual he'd started to depend on – to take a few minutes to clear his mind of the day's concerns, with a simple, mundane hot chocolate – no exotic isotopes or elements indigestible to normal humans, the kind he ordered in cafés and coffee shops across the city, just milk, cocoa, and sugar. A transitional aperitif of sorts, something to symbolically wash away his daily life and bring forth his alternative persona, something akin to a chocolatey high tide. As it often did, it put him in an idiotropic mood.

Last weekend he'd turned thirty. The Cave still showed signs of the birthday party DB had thrown for him, including a pair of silvery balloons from Helium Girl. Chuck War had been there, of course, with Lola Lakefront-Property – her first visit to the Cave. Reaper, SuperConductor, Gen X Man and the Rainbow Warrior were all there, and Special Agent Parker had dropped by for a cup of coffee. Carl from the Django Djava had even come, the first time Hydrogen Guy could ever remember seeing him outside his café. An excellent time was had by all, as well as many beverages stronger than what they usually drank together. Doug had gurgled admonishingly.

Hydrogen Guy looked at his hat, now sporting the new yellow feather that Deuterium Boy had given him. It was a little odd, thinking of himself as thirty. Nothing wrong with it, of course; it'd already been a few years since he'd acted like a boisterous twenty-year-old, even in costume. Most superheroes who gain their powers in the late teens or early twenties found their twenties the time when they discovered what they could do, when they started making names for themselves and learning hard lessons, the Codger had told him and Deuterium Boy a couple years ago. If a superhero was lucky enough to survive into his thirties, that was the decade when he reached the peak of his abilities, and most importantly, started to become a mentor figure for younger heroes. There was a lot of truth in what the Codger said, as there always was; Chuck War was a prime example. About three years older than Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy, he'd turned thirty not long before the Zxanxi crisis, the result of which there probably wasn't anyone in their bizarre, close-knit world-wide community who commanded more respect.

He couldn't see anyone ever looking up to him the way he looked up to Chuck and the Codger.

A polite cough roused him from his thoughts. He looked up expecting to see Deuterium Boy emerging from the elevator, but instead he saw a dark-haired man in a red silk suit, black shirt and green tie sitting in the armchair next to him.

"Copper-plated slug for your thoughts, Hydrogen Guy?" said N.

Hydrogen Guy grimaced. "Why don't you ever bother calling when you're going to show up? It must be within your power to use a phone."

"Because you'd hang up on me."

"Yes, but you'd show up anyway."

"The end result would be the same, Hydrogen Guy – you'd still make petulant remarks about my presence, despite the fact that I only ever show up for your benefit."

"You have a point. All I'm saying, though, is that I'd appreciate some advance notice."

"I have no inclination to bow to your rustic mortal manners... Aren't you going to offer me a hot chocolate?"

"All right, would you like a hot chocolate?"

"Really? Are you offering to make me one?"

Hydrogen Guy shrugged. "Sure, why not? I mean, you're right – usually when you show up, it turns out to be for our benefit, even if you act like a pain in the ass while you're here. I'm feeling mellow tonight."

"Hydrogen Guy, I'm touched. Don't go to any trouble, I can get it myself. Would you like a warm-up?"

Hydrogen Guy tested his hot chocolate, and found it had cooled off. "Sure, thanks."

N flicked a finger and a glass of hot chocolate identical to Hydrogen Guy's appeared in his hand. At the same time, Hydrogen Guy's burst into bright green flames.

"AHHH!" he opined.

N chuckled. "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist." He puffed a little air between his lips, and the flames went out. "Go ahead, you'll find it's perfectly safe."

"That's the last time I try to be a good host to you," said Hydrogen Guy. He gingerly tested his cocoa again, and found it was drinkable. "What do you want, Ned? Usually when you show up, it's to drop some chunk of exposition on us or something."

"Actually, HG, I have a favour to ask."

Hydrogen Guy arched an eyebrow. "Really? You've never asked for something except as a bribe before."

"We really must do something about this bad image you have of me... HG, this cocoa is delicious. Your own recipe?"

"Yes, thanks... What's the favour?"

N set down his hot chocolate and leaned forward with his hands on his knees. "There's a planet on the far side of the galaxy that's just recently found itself in possession of an oxygen elemental. I was hoping you'd agree to train her."

"An oxygen elemental? Really?"

"Yes. Kamparthia is another of our 'incubator' planets, about the same level of development, if you can call it that, as yours. She's quite young, and was apparently born with an active elemental gene. Her powers have just started manifesting recently."

"She's a child?"

"Young adult. About nineteen by your calender, and quite attractive, for a mortal."

Hydrogen Guy gave him another round of the eyebrow treatment. "Really, Ned. What do you think we are, cradle robbers?"

N felt disquieted for a moment. There was something that wasn't quite right here... "Ah, of course, I forgot you hadn't discovered girls yet. Well, David will appreciate her, I'm sure."

"Banter aside... Let me talk to DB and Helium Girl about it. And Chuck War, of course. I'm sure there's some sort of GC paperwork for that kind of thing."

"Excellent! You really are in an agreeable mood today, James, I should catch you during your post-prandial cocoa more often. Don't worry about the formalities, I can take care of all that myself. Send me an email when you have the little folks' approval, won't you? TheNster@gmail.manifold will reach me. Really, James, you have no idea the tentacles that company has – what's wrong?"

Hydrogen Guy was looking at him with a slightly bemused expression. "What did you say?"

N found the odd feeling return. "I said I would take care of the formalities and then made a rather amusing quip about email services."

"No, I mean, what was it you just called me?"

"I called you James, as I often do," said N, very quietly. "You know me, I like to show off my omniscience."

"I've noticed," said Hydrogen Guy. "Only my name isn't James. It's Jeff. Jeff Adams. Ned, did you actually forget something?"

"Yes, of course," said N. "Silly me. And... er... tell me something else, Jeffrey... you've always called me Ned, haven't you?"

"Yes... why?"

"Never anything else?"

"I've called you a lot of things, Ned – "

"I don't mean obscenities, I mean proper names!" he barked. "Ned is the only proper name I've ever admitted to, is that it?"

Hydrogen Guy was watching him carefully. "Well, it didn't take your so-called omniscience for me to figure out you were once called Noffras, but 'Ned' is what you told me to call you when we first met."

"That's what I thought. Well, never mind."

"What's wrong, Ned?"

"Nothing, Jeffrey, nothing at all. Everything is as it should be in this best of all possible worlds, is it not? Remember to email me after you've talked to your cohorts about the girl. Or just write it on a postcard and bury it at the root of an oak tree. Whatever. We'll be in touch."

He vanished, not even bothering with the usual light show he put on for mortals' benefit. Jeff Adams stared at the empty chair and the glass of hot chocolate, and wondered what could rattle a demigod.

Directly as Ned ported back to the Manifold, he sought out the cause of his problems – the Platonic Non-Ideal of the Summer Intern, Ken. Ned found him in what I will describe as the Continuity Lab, neck-deep in detailed causality analyses and nanopsychohistorical projections, and immediately began cursing enthusiastically. It was a display never seen before and unlikely to ever be equalled again, as Ned unleashed an explosion of invective that made quasars look dim and sluggish, high-energy gamma ray bursts seem cool and sedate, and even the most spectacular supernova look like a wet firecracker in comparison. When he ran out of established obscenities in the first 30 nanoseconds, he started making up new ones with a force that would have cracked planets in half and caused a galaxy-wide mass-extinction event had he uttered them anywhere outside the Manifold. Had He been listening, the Deity of the Old Testament would have jotted some of them down for the next time Sodom and Gomorrah got out of hand.

When Ned finally wound down, Ken was too stunned to do more than stare wildly. Even Zed, who had strolled into the room halfway through to see what the commotion was about, was taken aback.

"Goodness, Ned, what brought that on?" he said.

The exhausted Ned turned a look on the senior Mage that would melt neutron stars. "This ..." he pointed at Ken, causing the young being to flinch. Ned seemed about to start cursing again, but then took the Manifoldian equivalent of a deep breath and contained it. "I just returned from speaking to Hydrogen Guy," said Ned, controlling himself with effort.

"I take it things were not all right after all?" said Zed gravely.

"Things were not all right," said Ned. "While on the surface, things appeared to be all right, I discovered that the human calling himself Hydrogen Guy is suddenly named Jeff Adams, and has always been named Jeff Adams. I do not consider that to be anywhere close to all right!"

Zed stared at him for an instant. "Is that all?" he asked.

Ken would have immediately ported himself somewhere safer, such as a few billionths of a second after the Big Bang, only he suddenly forgot how. But instead of exploding, Ned suddenly became very calm.

There are few things more terrifying than a very angry Mage who has suddenly become very calm.

"He's now calling me 'Ned' instead 'N'," said Ned, "And a quick glance at the planet told me there were a few other changes of similar scale. What concerns me is that this is a symptom of something much, much deeper, which any day may wake up, poke its head out of whatever cave it's hiding in, and TEAR OUR THROATS OUT!"

"Hm," said Zed. "Yes. I see."

"If one of the key figures in our plans has been altered in such a fundamental way, Zed, what guarantee do we have that all our plans, everything we've been working on all this time, haven't been completely derailed? That this inconceivable IDIOT hasn't made all of our work MEANINGLESS?!"

Ken wished he could have shrunk away and hidden behind some passing particle of dark matter, completely forgetting in his terror that he could.

"Well," said Zed, unruffled, "that's why we asked Ken to carefully check over the new continuity, Ned. Why don't we sit down and have a look at his results, hm?"

"Give me a moment," said Ned. "I need a drink. Something stronger than hot chocolate."

A short time later, all three Mages gathered around the material Ken had been working on. Ned was calmer – it is impossible to speculate what kind of beverages Mages drink to relax, though I imagine it's something a little like whiskey, and a little like more whiskey – and so, correspondingly, was Ken. They were leaning over what amounted to a very large, very complicated interactive chart.

The overall picture, Ken explained, hadn't changed significantly (his emphasis) from before his accidental erasure of the star. Indeed, macro-, micro- and nanopsychohistorical projections for the future hadn't altered more than 1.16‰ over the next thousand years, effects which are small enough that they should die out over longer timescales.

Ned glowered and muttered something about lies, damned lies and psychohistory.

"Small effect, yes," said Zed. "But we must still watch carefully. Those projections you speak of were very approximate in the first place."

"What about Earth?" said Ned. "How could this blasted star of yours have affected the Elemental?"

"Uh, I, um, I've t-traced it back here," said Ken, pointing to a barely visible spot on the chart. The spot instantly expanded into a multi-dimensional series of braided and knotted world-lines. "Around the mid-18th century, Gregorian calender, in the English county of Shropshire near the Welsh border. A man named Adams died and left custody of his son to a man named Evans, who had a boy of the same age. The two boys, Thomas Adams and George Evans, grew up as brothers and in 1768 met a woman named Elizabeth Fowler."

Ken continued with increasing confidence. "Now, as far as I can recover from the original continuity, Fowler was courted by both Adams and Evans until May of 1769, when Adams was killed by a falling tree branch as the men rode home during a storm. Fowler married Evans three months later."

"And in the new continuity, it was Evans who was killed," said Zed. "And Elizabeth married Thomas Adams."

Ken nodded. "The Elemental genes probably came from Fowler," he said. That the presence or absence of a star some 15,000 light years away should affect the trajectory of a tree branch on Earth was perfectly transparent to the Mages; suffice to say that all things are fundamentally interconnected, and any further explanation is beyond the scope of this article.

"The man I spoke to as Hydrogen Guy had the exact same genetic makeup as Hydrogen Guy in the other continuity," said Ned. "These Adams and Evans weren't twins, were they?"

Ken smirked. "Elizabeth Fowler was already pregnant when she married in both continuities," he said. "And not by either George Evans or Thomas Adams."

"Ah, well, mortals will be mortals," said Ned.

Ken pointed at the tangle of threads representing the destiny of Elizabeth Fowler's first born. A second series of threads appeared super-imposed over the first. "The net effect here is that Fowler's child, a son, is genetically the same in both continuities, and subsequent events are largely convergent. When we reach the present, we see that Hydrogen Guy Adams is essentially the same person as Hydrogen Guy Evans, to within 53 parts in 10³⁰."

"And the others?" Ned asked.

"That's, the, um, largest discordance among any of the Elementals or their immediate circles that I've found," said Ken. "And it's within two standard deviations for populated planets in the galaxy as a whole."

"Very fortunate," said Zed.

"It almost makes me believe in a deity higher than myself," said Ned. "Congratulations, Ken, you're not a complete foul-up."

"Um, thank you, sir."

"Very good, Ken. You'll summarize all the deviations and disseminate the report to the others, won't you?" said Zed.

"Yes, sir."

After Ned and Zed ported out, Ken sat back and gazed at the chart, feeling relieved and exhausted. He was glad they hadn't noticed the whole continuity was held together with the psychohistorical equivalent of duct tape.

He'd fixed all of the major anomalies, spending the whole afternoon porting across time and space – tweaking a plasma cloud here, nudging an asteroid there. That the key subject of his boss's pet project had suddenly changed names had been the least of his worries. He was just glad he'd stopped the galaxy's premature gravitational collapse before anyone had noticed.

Ken folded up the chart and ported out of the lab. He planned on finding some of what Ned had been drinking.

Maple Ridge, 11:40 PM.

"Do you ever, like, feel like you're supposed to be someone else?"

"No, never," said Hydrogen Guy. The three heroes - Hydrogen Guy, Deuterium Boy and Helium Girl - sat crouched behind a blind meant to blend in with the second-story rooftop. He and Deuterium Boy were watching the alley next door, and the side entrance that belonged to Mike's Mega-Pawn. Helium Girl sat with her back to the alley, examining the ends of her hair.

"I've been feeling kind of, I dunno... weird. Since this afternoon," continued Helium Girl.

"HG, I just got a whiff of industrial grease," said Deuterium Boy. He peered down the alley, trying to make out any signs of non-murine activity.

"Yeah, DB, I caught it too," said Hydrogen Guy. "From north-northwest. Maybe three hundred meters away? Too much silicone for anything a motor vehicle would use."

"Mm-hm."

Helium Girl sighed loudly. She hated this hanging around, staring at gross, dirty buildings and smelly alleys in the freezing cold. All because Deuterium Boy had gotten a tip from some low-life that one of the dumber supervillains was going to rob a pawn shop.

There were so many better ways she could spend her Wednesday night.

"At least I won't be the only woman any more," she said. And she wouldn't be the most junior, either, she added silently. "You know, when this Oxygen Girl gets here? I think I'm going to change my name."

"Helium Girl, you don't sense any high concentrations of helium in the neighborhood, do you?" said Deuterium Boy.

"No," she said. "DB, are you listening to me?"

"Every word. Feeling weird, not the only woman, changing your name."

"To Helium Woman. I'm, like, twenty-seven now. It's starting to feel a bit stupid, you know?"

"Here he comes," said Deuterium Boy.

A large figure had appeared in the alley. Over two meters tall, not counting the pair of antennae sprouting from its helmet, it appeared to be a half-man, half-insect robot covered in plate armor, with a very heavy-duty tool belt strapped around its waist.

"The Carpenter Ant," muttered Hydrogen Guy.

"I'm totally not sensing any helium on him."

"I guess he's using a new coolant for his superconductors," said Deuterium Boy.

"Let's go, guys," said Hydrogen Guy. "Three point plan."

Corey Scrauble – alias the Carpenter Ant – scanned the pawn shop's back door. The sensor stalks on top of his helmet fed the data to the exoskeleton's computer, which directed it to his helmet's heads-up display. Reinforced steel, four inches thick, it told him. Should be able to tear through that without too much trouble, he thought.

He opened a flap on his tool-belt's widest pouch and pulled out a self-propelling circular saw blade. He flicked a switch on the handle, and the wickedly toothed seven-inch blade spun to life.

"Hey, Scrauble, how many two-bit pawn shops do you have to knock over to afford a suit like that?"

"Hydrogen Dweeb!" Scrauble turned and hurled the saw blade. Hydrogen Guy's super-atomic speed carried him across the alley before Scrauble could blink, and the saw blade impacted eight inches into the brick wall where he'd been standing.

"Dweeb," said Hydrogen Guy. "Yeah, that's great, Scrauble, thanks. I haven't heard that one since I was eleven." He held the Ruler of Elendil casually at waist height. "Seriously, how'd you get hold of the suit again?"

"I'll tell you in your grave, Hydrogen Jerk!" Scrauble yanked the two semi-automatic nail guns from his belt and opened fire. Hydrogen Guy leaped and dived as the Carpenter Ant strafed the alley with nails hard enough to pierce titanium.

THUNK! Something shaped like a letter 'D' hit the Ant's shoulder, and exploded milliseconds later. The blast knocked Scrauble sideways, making him drop the guns, and his visor display erupted in a sea of red lights. He recovered quickly, without falling, and whirled around again just in time to get a good view of the bottom of Deuterium Boy's boots as they landed solidly in his face. Scrauble fell backwards, but the exoskeleton's emergency jets shot him back to his feet. He swung at Deuterium Boy and sent him flying. The hero hit the brick wall and left an impact crater almost as deep as the saw blade hat.

Scrauble checked his radar to see where Hydrogen Guy had got to; unfortunately it was only partially effective against targets that could literally evaporate at will. There was a blip directly behind him,; but before he could turn and confront it, a red beam of energy blasted him square in the chest. He staggered back, the Ant suit sparking and shorting. The amount of red and orange in the display was threatening to wash out the rest of his view.

"YOU!" he roared. Helium Girl floated before him, six feet off the ground. He followed with what promised to be a string of ungentlemanly sentiments before an outrageously stylish lady's boot smashed into his visor, snapping his head back.

"Yeah, and that's why I think I need a name that commands more respect, y'know?" said Helium Girl. "DB, like, are you okay?"

The indentation in the wall groaned.

Scrauble whacked his helmet a couple times, trying to unscramble the display. It finally cleared, showing even more red and a series of cracks running across the view. The radar still showed no sign of Hydrogen Guy.

"I'll tear your head off, you little – !" Scrauble launched himself into the air, landing with both feet on the pawn shop wall, and made a grab for Helium Girl. She spun around in mid-air and landed another kick across his face, but he kept his position. He grabbed at her leg and caught her.

"Now you're gonna – "

"Eeee! Deuterium Boy!"

Scrauble caught another blast of helium plasma square in the face. He yowled, letting go, and his display went completely nuts. After three hard kicks and a faceful of ionized helium particles, the helmet's structural integrity was dangerously weak; and if that went, so did his control over the rest of the suit.

Time to cut his losses.

"I'm outta here for now, but you jerks haven't seen the last of me!"

A panel on his back popped open, and four rigid elliptical wings sprang into position. The Carpenter Ant fired his jump jets, and leaped off the wall. The wings buzzed, vibrating a hundred times a second, and he flew away at 80 km/h.

But not as fast as he intended. And he was listing... Scrauble looked down to see an unwelcome passenger - Hydrogen Guy was clinging to the shocks on his left leg.

"Going somewhere, Scrauble?" HG shouted over the rush of air.

"Get off me, you moron!"

Hydrogen Guy swung himself into a slightly more stable position, making Scrauble dip and wobble. "Why don't you land and turn yourself in?"

"Get bent!"

They were cruising ten stories or more above street level. Scrauble dove, rolled, and zig-zagged, trying to throw Hydrogen Guy off his back, like the buzzard and the monkey in the old Nat "King" Cole song. He almost succeeded a few times, but the superhero somehow managed to keep hold of him.

"Dammit, Hydrogen Guy! Just die already!" Scrauble pulled a chisel off his tool belt, twisted around and struck at him. Hydrogen Guy knocked it out of his hand with the Ruler of Elendil, and the chisel plummeted to the ground.

"AAUGH!"

"Look, Scrauble, we can do this the easy way or the hard way! Bring us down!"

"Not without tearing your fricking head off first!"

"Fine, the hard way!"

Hydrogen Guy slashed at one of Scrauble's lower wings with the Ruler, slicing it off. They dropped violently by several metres, but Scrauble managed to keep control with his remaining wings.

"ARE YOU NUTS?! You'll kill both of us!"

"Will I? Ask yourself this, Scrauble, which one of us can float?"

He slashed at the remaining lower wing, and missed. It may or may not have been deliberate.

Scrauble was sweating. "I'm not goin' back to prison!"

"You didn't have to before you started this burglary streak!" For the first time in the encounter, Hydrogen Guy sounded angry. "Galactic Customs got you off on a plea bargain in exchange for keeping your mouth shut! But you screwed it up, Corey!"

Scrauble grit his teeth. He had to find a way out of this... His brother Vince would know what to do. But Vince was dead. Killed, he believed, by Hydrogen Guy and his partners.

Scrauble saw red, and it wasn't his suit's warning lights this time.

"I'LL SCREW YOU UP!" he roared.

He twisted violently around, catching Hydrogen Guy unprepared. Scrauble flipped the superhero off his back and over his shoulder, and threw him away from him with all his mechanically-enhanced strength. The same move lost him what little stability three wings had given him, and Corey Scrauble plummeted to Earth.

Rocket boots, like a star kissing my feet
When I fly I think of our love destiny...

... and so I finally said, sir, it is because I'm a fan of Magical Cardsharp Luna that I need you to never wear that in my store ever again.

The least he could have done is shaved his legs. Jeez!

No, that would have been much, much worse. So then he actually starts undressing –

Hey, guys!

Oh, hey, man.

Ah, Chris, I was just telling Dale our latest tale of good cosplay gone bad.

Oh, God! When I saw the striped panties I think my life flashed in front of my eyes... Hey, Don, did you see the Badger Sticks figures in the new Previews?

In fact I did. I assume you want to order them?

You assume correctly.

Dude, your entire room is full, where are you going to put more anime figures?

Where there's a will, there's a way. These are the Undersea Band Uniform set, I can't pass these up...

Speaking of things I know you'll be unable to pass up, there's some very interesting news on 8-chan this morning.

Yeah?

You'll never guess what show BDV just picked up for import.

Hm?

Not –

Yes!

What?

CHSH: Overclocked?

Precisely.

No way! That's awesome!

We'll finally get the opportunity to spend our money on a legal, competently-subtitled edition of the series. First DVD hits in March.

Is that a new Canadian Hydrogen Soldier Hero anime?

Kind of...

Yes and no. You remember how the original CHSH series just cut off after four seasons. What was it, episode 104?

Yeah, that was kind of weird. They were in the middle of a storyline, and then it just stopped. No resolution or anything.

It was supposed to wrap up in the start of season five, but the show got canned. They never even aired the season 4 finale in Japan.

What happened?

Who knows. Internet rumour says the director went nuts or into rehab or something. Anyway, last year Studio Fozzie cranked out a sequel series, CHSH: Overclocked!, which more or less ignored the unfinished storyline from the original series.

Like the 'Coffee Danger Assassin' OVA.

Right. Only this time, they've turned it into a harem comedy centred around Deuterium Soldier Friend.

What?!!

Yeah, it turned out about as well as you'd expect.

Oh come on, Overclocked! isn't that bad...

You said the same thing about Please Parole Officer.

Please –

Don't ask.

Yeah, I won't. So have you guys seen fansubs of this Overclocked! show?

I was able to pick up a couple episodes at the last con, but that's it. There were some on YaToob!, but they got pulled.

Yeah, the League of Heroes is pretty strict about bootlegs featuring Canadian heroes... I'll be interested to see if the series actually improves in the later episodes, or if it's really as bad as people say it is.

You know what, even if it is, I'll probably buy them anyway. I'm a sucker for Helium Soldier Princess.

I hear the new girls are all really cute, too.

You guys have me curious about this show. Do they still use that same cheesy J-Rock opening?

No, it's an all-new cheesy J-Pop opening. I've got it on the store iPod, actually, I'll just cue it up... There, this is it. It's Double Express, who did the closing theme for the Dream Omelet anime. Anyway, I was telling you about Man Luna...

How many nights have we met this way?
  Why won't you ever give in?
When you arrive, my heart stands still
  And then our battle begins
Some girls may ask for a tender smile
But all I want is the sea, the sky,
  And control of the world
Is that too much to ask?!

Take off love love
Love Dominion!
Our era's coming at last
There's no one left who can stop me now
  but you!
Take off love love
Love Dominion!
I want you there at my side
There's no one else I would choose to rule
  the world!
Why must you fight?
Take off take off
Take off Love Dominion!

Ten thousand robots at my command
  I feel them crackle with life
Strange power runs through my battle suit
  And then I call for the strike
I want to make all our dreams come true
I don't expect you to understand
  I expect you to die
Is that too unreasonable?!

Take off love love
Love Dominion!
Our era's coming at last
There's no one left who can stop me now
  but you!
Take off love love
Love Dominion!
I want you there at my side
There's no one else I would choose to rule
  the world!
Why must you fight?
Take off take off
Take off Love Dominion!

It's embarrassing to say
But when you stop me and my plan to rule the world
I don't mind, that's how it should be
It's just the world, who really cares?
And so I shoot you with a laser beam and laugh
Can't you tell I love you?

How many nights will we meet this way?
Why won't we ever give in?
Maybe one day we won't need this game
And then our love can begin
Then I'll just ask for a tender smile
I'll give up taking the sea, the sky
And control of the world
Or is that too much to ask?

Take off love love
Love Dominion!
Our era's coming at last
There's no one left who can stop me now
  but you!
Take off love love
Love Dominion!
I want you there at my side
There's no one else I would choose to rule
  my heart!
Why must we fight?
Take off take off take off Love Dominion!
Take off take off take off Love Dominion!